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Chump Pheromone
The first thing I did when I learned I would soon be broke was go out and buy a few used books. I bought three hardback Hemingways, two Fitzgeralds, and a Saul Bellow for $1.91 each. A pristine hardcover of Tom Wolfe's A Man in Full was almost four dollars. The paperbacks go for 50 cents a piece. I got Salinger's Nine Stories, an Amy Tan, an Anne Tyler, and to rinse the palate, two Grishams. I subscribe to the local New Orleans newspaper, and have been receiving as gift the New Yorker for a couple of years. Quality reading material is essential to a happy poverty.
The next thing I did was make preparations for visiting out of state friends. While poverty is imminent, the current bank balance, prior to the most obvious upcoming debits, is fat. As a number it would make me appear to be someone a long way from living paycheck to paycheck. I know otherwise, and am privy to facts which lead me to take action in the opposite direction of fiscal responsibility, towards at least a meager attempt at vacation. While the getting is good. I called my pal in Northern Virginia and although his offer of "come on, whenever you want," is purely sincere, a closer inspection of his and wife's calendar makes middle March look like the preferred date. It means sleeping in a bed, and high tech toys, and good whisky and food, or hotdogs and popsicles and intelligent, humorous children, and adults for that matter, in a vibrant settting that is most decidely not New Orleans, and perhaps a children's birthday party and laser tag. For me it is almost like Disneyworld, although I've never been there to support that as a valid comparison. And if his seven-year-old son hasn't improved at all, or better yet, fallen off his game since my last visit, I might be able to compete with minimal success against him playing various real and made up contests of skill.
So I'm thinking about all these things at work today, which has been irregular of late (but I'm not complaining even as I walk the plank towards the poor house), and telling my boss how if I have to I'll go work with the Mexicans and Nicaraguans for a spell and he's hip (as it appears he's getting beat out of 7k on the Roaf job) and not sure his ownself what he's going to do during this period until our schedule becomes steady with work again.
It's been over an hour now since I got taken for twenty bucks and he, the complete stranger, said he would be back in an hour, he promised. I really have to wonder if there is such a thing as a chump pheromone, and if there is, today I was secreting up a storm.
I was just back from the first day of a two day work week, feeling a little tired but good, unwinding with ice cold budweiser sitting on the side steps overlooking the devastation of the Pentecostal property, musing on the life of ground doves, getting squiggy eyed and becoming comfortably comtemplative while I waited for a bird, any bird, to land in the leafless mulberry tree to my left.
A man and child approach and let me say a child is a good prop. With the hat pulled down low over those long pig-tailed cornrows I could not say for certain if the child was boy or girl, but I was thinking girl, despite hearing the man refer to her as "son" at one point.
The man was, according to himself, 58-years-old, but he looked 47, with just a tinge of grey on the tips of his short afro. As he made his abrupt vere towards me from the sidewalk sixty feet away holding the miniature hand of the four-year-old my first thought was "con," and then, "come on." I smiled serenly but perhaps unnoticeably at the waddle of youth. The man was smiling confidently but not smugly twenty feet away and spoke those two words that are at the same time both interrogative and statement of fact--"Gettin' it?"
I spoke inside my head with a smile and he approached more eagerly and from a few feet away said again, "Gettin' it?"
"Yeh, but slow," I said. This didn't seem like a con anymore, but retrospect would like to teach me to consider the numbers. How many people off the street have approached me here for any other reason. Still I'm guessing to the end I'll feel it necessary to resist the attitude of the jaded to support my naive opinion that only the eyes of the babe can see what it is worth seeing. One day, Jesus Christ Himself will step off that sidewalk with a solicitaton and I feel I should be ready with a fresh open mind.
The man introduced himself but I can't remember his name the minute he said it (although I don't think he said "Jesus Christ") and we shook hands. I did not offer my name. Was I back to thinking this a con.?
Did I know where Charity Hospital was? Yeh. He has a van parked somewhere, it's burgundy and tan, he knew I had seen it parked over there around the corner. I'm not sure. He was my neighbor he said, stayed with Miss Izzy. I have not met all my neighbors. Right there he said, the blue and white house, my back door is practically right next to your front door. I nodded. Somebody down at Charity had nine dollars but he needed $18.95 for a bendix spring.
I look at the child who seems to have heard all this before, is really not very interested, not the least bit curious about me, or perhaps is just shy, head down looking at her tiny tennis shoes. It now seems to me the man is asking me for money. I make the mistake of telling him about my financial woes. How many times will I make that same mistake when being asked for money I really don't have? If it is your heartfelt intention to say no, just say no, as quickly and simply as possible, using the fewest words possible, while (if you must) still being polite. No one under any circumstances really gives a flying fuck about your financial woes, especially if you are drinking ice cold budweiser, and they are not.
He misses not a beat but to his credit does not scoff at, by word or facial expression, my admission of money problems. In the past other hitup artists have waved a hand or verbally dismissed my sincerity in ways I have found offensive, although in the end many of them have still reached their goal. This man professes to understand but to trump me raises his shirt to show me a deep scar running from above his belly button down into his pants. He has had recent problems himself, he implies, but to me the scar looks none to fresh. He shows it to me again later, but I'm not scoring him too high on the scar. I really don't care about it. It doesn't affect me.
This is a con now but a good one and I am committed to playing by the rules, even if they are rules I made up myself. Effort, originality, and a smooth obfuscating of facts will win a prize in my court of law.
He will not ever in so many words ask me for money, in fact, he actually says he is not asking me for money at one point, explaining how the payback will be so quick I won't actually be giving him money. I can't get this logic, but he's pretty good, and I must say again, the kid is a fine prop, lending an air of innocence to the affair. I mean who would run a racket with a kid in tow, except Fagin of course, but that's just a story. And this guy is my close neighbor. The fact that in two years I've never seen or met him before, is immaterial. I gave him twenty dollars.
He said he would be right back. I'll just wait here. But you know, I wonder why he refused my offer of a ride to the auto parts store, and when he referred to it himself he pointed in the wrong direction?