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Email From NOLA IIx
I was cruising down St. Charles last week looking for the Bultman Funeral Home as landmark to a nearby destination and got a call on my cell. I can't drive with my reading glasses on and I can't see a damn thing, up close, without them. So if I answer the phone without saying hey Biff, hey Susie, or hey, I told you not to call me anymore, you will know I don't have my reading glasses on and am just winging it, hoping for the best.
Hello?
Jim? This is Julie (Julie a man). He is one of my employees. That's right, my caretaking empire is so out of control that I now have employees of my own.
Look Jim, it supposed to get down in the teens tonight (in Rappahannock County, VA.) and I'm worried about the cottage (because the heat went out). He did not want to be responsible for the catastrophe of frozen pipes on his watch and I gave him some soothing instructions and said, don't worry about it Julie, just do those couple of things for me and I'll be there day after tomorrow, and take full responsibility for any catastrophe. So I've been around here almost a week now and its been in the teens every night and everything is fine, no frozen pipes. I am a cool cucumber about potential catastrophe, except when the planetary alignments are less than ideal and then I may let loose with a non-traditional stream of profanities. It is an immaturity of mine I just can't seem to control sometimes. Crapshit, fuckwad, dickbutter. The planets are cool by me right now, that was just a little example.
Julie said, I got a couple of mice since you've been gone. That's two in like five or six weeks since my return to New Orleans, and I've removed three cute little broken-necked carcasses just in the week I've been around here. I'm not bragging I'm just saying, sometimes it takes the boss to get things done.
I throw them out in the bushes by the back door, as snack food for the foxes, or skunks.
The one I retrieved this morning got the blunt guillotine so good that his eyes literally popped out of his head, and they remain on the kitchen floor, even now, because I don't do eyeballs. Everybody these days, if you want to make the big money, you got to have things you just don't do, and by not doing these things you don't do, you give extra weight and importance to the things you do do. I don't think this is necessarily right or good but I'm trying to swim in the mainstream a little more these days. Be like my successful contemporaries.
I have postponed my trip to NYC by one day so that I can be here for the heating guy. He's late. I'm afraid to even go and get lunch because I don't want to miss him. I'm getting hot under the collar. It is really really hard to get tradespeople to come out here. For the sake of propriety I don't think I should go on about this. Hunger and impatience go badly together. Did the planets just shift, is there a realignment happening?