Saturday, April 14, 2001if you read it, they will come
joke of the day fodder. now which day is it again?
however, those with pastel colored egg shaped grenades will be allowed entry. or charlton hestons grandchildren have planned a boycott just outside the white house gates carrying signs that say things like "kids with guns dont kill presidents. presidents kill guns with kids." when asked what the sign meant, the protestor was overheard saying that he wasnt old enough to comprehend logical rejoinders. well?
Friday, April 13, 2001bedtime for bonzo
"The trouble is that Bush is right about arsenic. How it happened, one can only imagine: Late nights in the White House library. The first lady: "George, are you coming to bed? It's a quarter after 10 already." The president: "Honey, could you bring me that epidemiological study? It's over there on top of my pocket calculator. I think I've figured out where the National Academy of Sciences went wrong." The first lady: "I'm warning you, buster, if this doesn't stop I'm running for the Senate." The president: "Honey, calm down. [Ominous pause.] Have a glass of water." well?
it comes in colors
"According to a 1996 article in The Los Angeles Times, when Mr. Burroughs once described a psychedelic trip as an earth-shaking metaphysical experience, Dr. Schultes's response was, "That's funny, Bill, all I saw was colors."well?
hazy days of sunburn
April 13, 2001 -- "Those Pop.com workers aren't sitting on their hands.
Stephen Spielberg's Web crew have been hard at work producing a complex teaser site for "AI," the DreamWorks/Warner Brothers blockbuster that opens this July 4th weekend.
Curious film freaks have been sent in circles by a complex series of phony sites based on characters believed to be taken from the closely guarded script.
"It's the most ingenious movie setup yet," said Harry Knowles, who runs famed movie Web site Ain't It Cool News. "This is far better than the ‘Blair Witch Project' site. This has the feel of being written by a master storyteller."
The complex web of over 20 sites are designed to look very different from each other. Some have a corporate feel, some look like university sites and others like homemade home pages.
Since Tuesday, fans have been tracking hyperlinks and "googling" character names in a bid to learn more about "sentient machine therapist" Jeanine Salla or the Anit-Robot Militia.
A child character from the movie appears online as a man - but since so little is known about the movie script, even though the film is in the can, no one is sure.
Knowles believes the ruse to be the work of the same team that conceived Majestic, the bizarro online game in which players are phoned, faxed and e-mailed at work and at home as part of a multiplayer murder mystery, reminiscent of the Michael Douglas movie "The Game."
"My readers have come up against a brick wall. They've reached the point of entering their phone numbers, but they haven't heard back yet. When the content's this compelling, though, this kind of guerrilla marketing really works."
Robot movie "AI" - which stands for Artificial Intelligence - is said to be the last brainchild of reclusive director Stanley Kubrick, who died in 1999 just before his final movie opened, the flopbuster "Eyes Wide Shut."
Spielberg and Kubrick are believed to have traded 750 pages of notes for the movie back and forth before Kubrick's death. The reclusive ex-pat spent months in his English hideaway coming up with notes and sketches of back story for characters and even spaceships in his movies - materiel that would never be used."
pig in a poke
"[I did 'Letterman'] because I was promised a canned ham, but I'm still waiting for it ... I've been a fan for a long time. I think that it's a rite of passage for a candidate to appear on his show. That and the canned ham were the two reasons why I went on. I would like to say, for a second time, that I am still waiting for it."well?
-- Former Veep Al Gore on why he agreed to appear on David Letterman's "Late Show" during the presidential campaign, in TV Guide.
Thursday, April 12, 2001downgraded
out line for a humorous sketch. the only thing that came to mind for the "joke of the day" was inspired by the stroking that the bush administration was getting from the media now that it had resolved the most critical element of the spy plane incident, that being securing the freedom from bondage of those on board the plane when it went down. and i loved the minute by minute reportage of the vital role our resident in chief played in the wee hours of the morning. howard kurtz has a number of links regarding the spin cycle this morning. so, i was imagining a scene wherein bush was shot down by his wife in bed for penetrating her no fly zone. he claimed that all the excitement from averting an international crisis had given him "an especial dipsensation," which allowed him to breach her defenses. she would have none of it and refused to release her control over his manhood. she claimed his actions were too aggressive and suggested he take a cold shower before reconsidering his next move. bush was put off. he could not believe that his special dispensation line didnt work as well as it had when he joined and subsequently avoided his duty to the national guard. instead of a shower, bush called for a meeting with his kitchen cabinet. as the cabinet had nothing to say, he wondered why past presidents had put so much faith in it. with the dishes mute, he gathered together an impromptu group of advisers -- maurice, his personal valet, hector the gardener and dick cheney who sleeps in a ball at the end of the bushes bed. he tried reaching condi rice for "the female prospective" but she was busy drafting an accord with the chinese. maurice thought the president should use a little sweet talk before implementing any invasive maneuvers. hectors counsel was to massage the feet but it was well known around the executive mansion that hector had a thing for feet so bush questioned his judgement. cheney had no advice as he is married to cruella de ville who had him neutered years ago. after a while he came back with the idea of getting the first lady liquored up before any further attempts are made but as mrs bush was unlikely to get smashed before breakfast, this option was tabled for future use. eventually a treaty was drafted that everyone could agree upon. mrs bush would surrender said manhood if W would cease any predawn encroachments upon her sovereign half of the bed. mr bush would not apologize for his behavior but he would acknowledge regret for his transgression. bush held a press conference in his robe at his private gym to assure the world that his masculinity was intact and in what must have been a scripted photo op allowed his robe to come undone in order to prove it. in the aftermath, the washington presscorps roundly praised bushs libido and his ability to manage a crisis with blue balls. bush was last seen headed to a chinese massage parlor to have a panel discussion with madame X and her well regarded harem of advisers. well?
Wednesday, April 11, 2001the night the movies died
Online convenience store Kozmo will cease operations, lay off 1,100 workers and begin liquidating assets, sources told CNET News.com. The 2-year-old company is expected to announce the closure Thursday and to stop its delivery service in the nine cities it operates on Wednesday night, sources said. The New York-based company dispatched legions of orange-clad deliverymen to cart goods to customers' doors. Kozmo is the latest dot-com dream to evaporate in the market downturn. Amazon, venture capital firm Flatiron Partners and coffee magnate Starbucks were among former investors in Kozmo. Kozmo said in December that investors promised a total of $30 million in private funding. But last month the company learned that an investor had backed out of a $6 million commitment. Kozmo executives had been working on a merger deal with Los Angeles-based PDQuick, another online grocer, sources said. The deal collapsed when funding that was promised to PDQuick did not materialize. Sources said Kozmo still has money but decided to close now and liquidate to ensure that employees could receive a severance package. More details to followwell?
you and me
now ive got the punchline (see below).
"i wonder how much it costs without the lap dance?well?
mark me down
now that my morning movements have become less frequent (well that doesnt sound pleasant) (unless im on the ball and write it down immediately, i tend to forget as with today), i thought i would try and institute a joke of the day. can i really be funny every damn day? maybe i should consider them quick quips, thats more appropriate to my attention span. hopefully, they will approach "late night quality" monologue jokes. so the bar is set sufficiently low. i was reminded of my dimwitted plan by the nearly humorous remark just south of this one. i thought if i could "punch that up a bit," it would almost make a joke. so lets see what we can do. must channel letterman. and as with all j-lo jokes it must be butt related.
i was reading something interesting in jane magazine the other day (arches brows to indicate irony). they were talking about what some celebrities charge for their time. the article said that the multi-talented jennifer lopez asking price is $750000 an hour. $750000 an hour! can you believe that? and i said to myself, "geez, for that price, i hope she throws in a lap dance."another onionesque joke could be found in "jordan steps in to mediate palestinian-israeli conflict." and, of course, that jordan would be michael and not the country. mayhem ensues. well?
nose for news
if it doesnt say O
Tuesday, April 10, 2001jet lag
the doctor has such a soothing manner. its a shame so many kind words were wasted on such as a fink, a real shrinky dink. now, do i turn you green with envy? and who is not blue? are they the enemy? well?
"Weakness of will requires two great arts: the art of procrastination and the art of immediate gratification. Procrastination means putting off something you should do; immediate gratification means doing something you should put off. Most of us are quite skilled in the practice of both these arts. The theory, however, still needs work."well?
big giant head
Monday, April 09, 2001dietary fiber
one click programming
dip theory a
hand in glove
joanies got a gun
Sunday, April 08, 2001masterwaiting
ok. i was a little off. you may get 56 minutes per hour of actual tv coverage from the masters but you are only going to get 3 plus hours of coverage. very tight control those wasps are keeping over their haloed grounds. meanwhile, the knicks looked more like the knots as they went down to the heat. and as an aside knicks coach jeff van gundy gets ejected from his first game ever which is impressive considering all the turmoil the knicks usually generate. back to golf, tiger better bring that "A" game today because hes already lost a stroke and is tied with 3 others for the lead. just be another 50 minutes now before they let the rest of the world watch. could you imagine if they refused to broadcast the first quarter of the superbowl? well?
knicks mets and the final round of the masters simultaneously. picture in picture tubes across the metropolitan area will get a workout today. in other news, a mellowed out dallas mavericks coach gave ahmad rashad a hawaiian surfers "hello" gesture. he even gave a little wrist twist. i took a closer look at his eyes. from all indications he looked to be enjoying his morning. meanwhile, as i fought darkness, it struck back with wicked dreams. im blaming the pork dumplings but it was just as much a denial of the dawn on a rainy morn. i did manage to successfully reconnoiter with the grocery store so im ready to recline like my ancestors. well?