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Tuesday, Nov 09, 2004

The Death of Cultural Elitism

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Evangelical Talmud Guides Re-Alignment of Consanguine County Curricula

Clem "Tow Head" Travis, Supervisor of Public Education for Consanguine County, announced today that all grading and scoring of students is banned.

"We found that the ones that could read was making fun of all the other kids -- lording their cultural elitism over the rest of the class. We can't encourage that kind of behavior by reinforcing it with report cards", opined Mr. Travis.

With the guidance of the newly published Evangelical Talmudic Guide to Judeo-Christian Education, Mr. Travis is revamping several of the schools' educational programs. The Health Studies program at Jefferson Davis High School has been replaced with Godliness Studies.

The Bible has been chosen as the new science text book. Coach Pat Falwell explains, "When we got rid of that heretical science teacher, the book had to go too. Genesis is my 'big bang.'" Mr. Falwell will be covering the science program until a non-heretical college graduate can be found.

All forms of mathematics have been entirely banned, with the exception of the counting numbers, from one to nine. "We found out that the Ay-rabs invented the algebra, so that had to be dropped, for sure. I got my nephew over in Bay City to google on it, and we wasn't sure if the number zero was invented by the Chinese, the Oriental Indians, the Ay-rabs or the Babylonians. But we couldn't take the chance that we was teaching the children the black arts of the towel heads," said James "Jimbo" Beufort of the Arithmetic Department.

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Note:
This is purely satire, and is not intended to reflect any educational system to which I may have been subjected while living in a Red State.

Polygamy is Already Legal

Well, duh. It's called "blended-families". Sure, it's mightly complicated at times. Dad, step-dad, mom, step-mom, step-siblings, half siblings, siblings, step-cousins, step grandmas. Hard to keep it straight. Some people handle it okay, and some fuck it up. But it's legal. There's an entire branch of law devoted to it: Family Law.

So, unless you're going to put that genie back in the bottle, polygamy is here to stay. However, taking your cousin's 12 year old daughter as your third simultaneous wife is illegal in several different ways.

So, honkie, please. Your hatred of gay marriage is all about your hatred of gays.

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For another fascinating round of "Traditional Family Values", let's take a look at that foundation of Anglo-American law: the Magna Carta.

Heirs may be given in marriage, but not to someone of lower social standing. Before a marriage takes place, it shall be' made known to the heir's next-of-kin.

No widow shall be compelled to marry, so long as she wishes to remain without a husband. But she must give security that she will not marry without royal consent, if she holds her lands of the Crown, or without the consent of whatever other lord she may hold them of.

Gosh, isn't it nice that laws sometime liberalize over the years?

This fine screed inspired me to go ahead and publish the rant I wrote last week. I'm beginning to let go of the anger, but will never let go of the determination to quash the 1% man-date.

Red State Rant

I'm receiving some visitors from the buckle of the Cracker Belt in two days, so I should go ahead and get this out of my system.

Get the fuck out of my state. I left that shithole behind. I left that ignorance, that racism, that religious bigotry, that violence, that homophobia, that intellectual stagnation, that worship of the superficial, that cesspool of pollution, that odious collection of xenophobic conformists. You have the gall to impose that back on me with your vote for this government, and you want to show your face in this state? Fuck you. Go buy your fucking wine from the Permian Basin, go do your fucking shopping in Dallas, and do your urban sightseeing in that fucking septic tank of industrial filth you call Houston.

There are those of us in the blue counties of the blue states who just don't want to see your fucking faces. You threaten the very foundations of our cities' greatness: the celebration of the intellect, international exchange of ideas, culture and commerce, public health, public safety, and freedom from puritan moralists. And then you want to visit?

Just get the fuck out of here.

By the way, it's not just the entire Bay Area. Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Boston and New York City called to say "Fuck Off" too.

Update: Another fine rant -- from Adam Felber.

Monday, Nov 08, 2004

Jihad vs. Jihad

J.C. Christian, in his post linked below, links to a Reuters article about the religious zeal with which some Americans will approach Fallujah. Allawi has his own band of zealots in this fight ...

"Your job is to arrest the killers but if you kill them then let it be," he said, according to a pool report.

"May they go to hell," shouted the soldiers. "To hell they will go," Allawi replied.

Yes, fanatical devotion to invisible cosmic beings makes the world so much better.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God

Blow them all away

Courtesy of Jesus' General.

- mark 11-08-2004 5:59 pm [link] [add a comment]

The Evangelical Talmud of the Christian Taliban

I'll just keep driving this theme right into the ground. There's certainly no shortage of material.

A man who removes the hair of the armpits or the private parts is to be scourged.

I wonder if Ahnold still waxes? And does he go "Brazilian"? Because it's important for the government to know what's going on with everyone's perinea.

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