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20X6 vs. 1936 The Unauthorized Script

SCENE: A futuristic landscape, with green manicured park and rounded modern buildings in the background. STINKOMAN, a masked, blue-haired Japanese animation character who looks suspiciously like STRONG BAD, is training. He boxes the air and makes martial arts yells. Videogame music (NES' Rad Racer) plays underneath.

HOMESTAR RUNNER enters from right. This is "old timey" Homestar, a cartoon figure straight out of a black and white 1930s one-reeler, complete with celluloid scratches and hair caught in the projector. Like a hologram, he doesn't appear to inhabit the same spacetime continuum as STINKOMAN, yet the characters interact. He is kicking a crumpled can, which bumps STINKOMAN's foot.

STINKOMAN: Wha-? Who are you? (NOTE: All STINKOMAN's lines are delivered in an exaggerated, shouting voice, as in a bad English anime translation.)

HOMESTAR (with nasal, "country" accent) : I'm-a Homestar Runner.

STINKOMAN: That name is dumb. It sounds like it's so dumb.

[SLIGHT PAUSE, as if STINKOMAN'S words are delayed in tachyon transfer between dimensions.]

HOMESTAR (in CLOSEUP): Well, what's your moniker?

STINKOMAN: I go by Stinkoman. That's the name of talented fighter (sic) if ever there was one!

HOMESTAR: Okay. If you say so. Would you care for some dry meal? (Bag labeled "DRY MEAL" appears out of nowhere and hits ground with a loud wheeze)

STINKOMAN: No way. I'm training for fighting. Or maybe a challenge. So what's that thing you're kicking around?

HOMESTAR: Oh, that's just an old can of water soup. (CLOSEUP of HOMESTAR looking sad) I kick it around ever since my dog washed away in the storm of '28.

STINKOMAN: You seem like you might not be from around here. Do you have any special powers?

HOMESTAR: I can play a mean washboard. (Washboard materializes. As HOMESTAR scratches it rhythmically, STINKOMAN begins bobbing up and down involuntarily.)

STINKOMAN: What is that? What is that? Some kind of robot?

HOMESTAR (another slight pause): What's a robut?

STINKOMAN: You don't know what a robot is? (Pointing) HA HA HA HA! You are so dumb. (CLOSEUP of STINKOMAN laughing with cartoon steampuffs coming out from his head) HA HA HA HA! Dumb!

HOMESTAR (while STINKOMAN is laughing): Oh, go soak your fat head.

STINKOMAN: Are you asking me for a cha-a-a-LLENGE? (Begins powering up, Dragonball Z style, a halo of energy growing around his body)

HOMESTAR (while STINKOMAN is powering up): Yes sir. Yes sir, I am.

[STINKOMAN's energy aura reaches full power and with a cry of "Double Deuce!" he leaps into the sky. As he begins plummeting downward, HOMESTAR aims a peashooter at him and fires with an audible "ptui."

LOW ANGLE SHOT looking up at the rapidly descending STINKOMAN. HOMESTAR's spitball hits STINKOMAN's eye just as he is about to land on HOMESTAR.]

STINKOMAN (back on ground, howling with pain): My eye! It's like my eye! It hurts so bad!

HOMESTAR (as STINKOMAN jumps in pain): Well, folks, you know what that means. Now I'll do a dance.

[HOMESTAR launches into a comical dance, splaying his feet and twisting his head to inane electric piano music. STINKOMAN stops wailing when he sees what HOMESTAR is doing.]

STINKOMAN (pointing at HOMESTAR): HA HA HA. That dance cracks me up. You gotta teach me.

HOMESTAR: Just kind of...shimmy and shake.

STINKOMAN (imitating HOMESTAR's dance): Yeah! Now I've got it.

[The two dance jerkily, several feet apart, calling out each other's dates of origin.]

HOMESTAR: 20X6 (pronounced "Twenty Exty-six").

STINKOMAN: 1936!

HOMESTAR: 20X6.

STINKOMAN: 1936!

HOMESTAR: 20X6.

STINKOMAN: 1936... [The call-and-response continues as picture FADES TO BLACK]

- tom moody 4-24-2003 2:59 am [link] [2 comments]