1st avenue freeze out my not very old fridge is dying. just what i need, right? as a last ditch effort to see if it has anything left before i take out my frustration on it with a sledge hammer, ive spent the last two days defrosting it.
i finally decided there was no more water left to leak on the floor so i turned it on. nothing. the motor was completely kaput. tried plugging it directly into the outlet. nothing. gave it the evil eye. nothing. cursed at it. not even a titter. with nothing left to do, i shook it out of abject frustration, and god have mercy on my blighted soul, it started to hum. now i dont actually have much faith that it will actually get cold and become a useful member of society but for one more night i can dream.
so far so good. houston st, we have lift-ice!
margharitas at daves!
i know, whos margarita?
no, i usually riff on the malaprops. that pun is more in line with my fathers borscht belt sense of humor.
here are the 100 most misspelled words which arent technically malaprops. among those listed id say i have trouble with
sergeant
occasionally
daiquiri
minuscule
privilege
possibly some ent/ant endings
and the occasional brain fart on their/there/theyre.
Occasionally the Sergeant poured himself a minuscule daiquiri before enjoying the privilege of chewing out Gomer.
I bet the sledge hammer would have got it going just as well.
well, i still may get a chance to find out. theres still some puddling of water. i have to assume its because the door doesnt close properly which is a result of the crap job the overpriced under muscled israeli movers did that i hired way back when. so for everyone out in googleland, dont hire moishe's, they suck major ass!!
think weve noted this in posts past but as long as were spinekag of mnlipsselig... word gestalt.
back to the borscht belt. got this in the inbox from dear old dad. by the looks of teh header its been cc'd to every jew in north america.
> Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Old fashion Jewish Humor
>
>
> You may remember the Catskill comics such as Shecky
> Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle,
> Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their
> humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
> Here are some samples:
>
> * There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my
> hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her
> out.
>
> * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic
> says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a
> good living."
>
> * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
> mother-in-law to the
> airport.
>
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49
> years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
>
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear
> when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
>
> * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we
> spent our wedding
> night; only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and
> cried.
>
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a
> waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
>
> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
> only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked
> great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
>
> * The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
> couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him
> another six months.
>
> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen,
> your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did
> my arthritis!"
>
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM
> 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
>
> * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
> The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
> says, "That's what puzzles me!"
>
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor:
> "Don't answer!"
>
> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
> "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk
> says, "Okay, let's get started."
>
> * A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till
> payday."The Jewish fellow responded, "When's
> payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one
> that's working!"
>
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth
> it.
>
> * I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would
> know what kind of work he's out of.
>
> * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
> Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
> revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
> spelled backward is Not Now.
>
> * There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of
> when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is
> not considered viable until it graduates from
> medical school.
>
> * Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol
> interferes with their suffering.
>
> * Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish American
> Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does
> Dishes."
>
> * Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
> officers? A: They never let anyone finish a
> sentence.
>
> * Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite
> position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
>
> * A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are
> you?" "Not too good, "said the mother, "I've been
> very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She
> said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son
> said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
> days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want
> my mouth to be filled with food if you should
> call."
>
> * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
> mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What
> part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the
> Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go
> back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
>
> * Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change
> a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in
> the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
>
> * Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried
> to kill us, we won, let's eat.
>
> * Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
> Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I
> haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she
> replied.
>
> * Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and
> a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets
> go ..
>
Good ones!
I just got this and will park it here for the time being if you don't mind:
All right, you can shoot me, but this is classic lawyer humor. Just got it from an attorney friend, and I suspect it might be a tad exaggerated, but not much.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued… and WON! (Stay with me.) delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer “held a policy from the company which it hadwarranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.
*NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
* After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimonyfrom the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ill pass that along to my dad, but i might have to make the lawyer jewish. otherwise he might not get it.
not to bash lifelong democrat dear ol' dad but he found this amusing enough to pass along and i spent the rest of the day telling him why its not funny.
Rudy's Last Chance to Save NY
now my dad is sending me bad stoner humor. this comes with pictures just in case you are too stoned to appreciate the size difference between a lizard and a crocodile. damn, i just ruined it for you.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?!!"
That was a mighty long windup. Have you ever seen a koala? A stoned koala is like a sloth on 'ludes. Redundant.
according to that planet earth doc, that bamboo they eat isnt very nutritious which is why they have to eat all day.
They eat eucalyptus. Pandas are the not-bears that eat bamboo. Both are about as nutritious as a 2x4.
of course i knew that. i was just testing you.
*slowly backs out of the room*
|
i finally decided there was no more water left to leak on the floor so i turned it on. nothing. the motor was completely kaput. tried plugging it directly into the outlet. nothing. gave it the evil eye. nothing. cursed at it. not even a titter. with nothing left to do, i shook it out of abject frustration, and god have mercy on my blighted soul, it started to hum. now i dont actually have much faith that it will actually get cold and become a useful member of society but for one more night i can dream.
- dave 3-25-2007 9:42 am
so far so good. houston st, we have lift-ice!
- dave 3-25-2007 11:51 pm
margharitas at daves!
- bill 3-26-2007 12:46 am
i know, whos margarita?
- bill 3-26-2007 12:46 am
no, i usually riff on the malaprops. that pun is more in line with my fathers borscht belt sense of humor.
- dave 3-26-2007 3:22 am
here are the 100 most misspelled words which arent technically malaprops. among those listed id say i have trouble with
sergeant
occasionally
daiquiri
minuscule
privilege
possibly some ent/ant endings
and the occasional brain fart on their/there/theyre.
- dave 3-26-2007 3:41 am
Occasionally the Sergeant poured himself a minuscule daiquiri before enjoying the privilege of chewing out Gomer.
- tom moody 3-26-2007 3:45 am
I bet the sledge hammer would have got it going just as well.
- jimlouis 3-26-2007 4:56 pm
well, i still may get a chance to find out. theres still some puddling of water. i have to assume its because the door doesnt close properly which is a result of the crap job the overpriced under muscled israeli movers did that i hired way back when. so for everyone out in googleland, dont hire moishe's, they suck major ass!!
- dave 3-28-2007 1:34 am
think weve noted this in posts past but as long as were spinekag of mnlipsselig... word gestalt.
- dave 3-29-2007 1:32 am
back to the borscht belt. got this in the inbox from dear old dad. by the looks of teh header its been cc'd to every jew in north america.
> Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Old fashion Jewish Humor
>
>
> You may remember the Catskill comics such as Shecky
> Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle,
> Henny Youngman, and others. Don't you miss their
> humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
> Here are some samples:
>
> * There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my
> hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her
> out.
>
> * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic
> says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a
> good living."
>
> * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
> mother-in-law to the
> airport.
>
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49
> years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
>
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear
> when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
>
> * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we
> spent our wedding
> night; only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and
> cried.
>
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a
> waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
>
> * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
> only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked
> great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
>
> * The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
> couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him
> another six months.
>
> * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen,
> your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did
> my arthritis!"
>
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM
> 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
>
> * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
> The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
> says, "That's what puzzles me!"
>
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor:
> "Don't answer!"
>
> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
> "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk
> says, "Okay, let's get started."
>
> * A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till
> payday."The Jewish fellow responded, "When's
> payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one
> that's working!"
>
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth
> it.
>
> * I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would
> know what kind of work he's out of.
>
> * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
> Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
> revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
> spelled backward is Not Now.
>
> * There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of
> when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is
> not considered viable until it graduates from
> medical school.
>
> * Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol
> interferes with their suffering.
>
> * Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish American
> Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does
> Dishes."
>
> * Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
> officers? A: They never let anyone finish a
> sentence.
>
> * Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite
> position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
>
> * A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are
> you?" "Not too good, "said the mother, "I've been
> very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She
> said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son
> said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
> days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want
> my mouth to be filled with food if you should
> call."
>
> * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
> mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What
> part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the
> Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go
> back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
>
> * Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change
> a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in
> the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
>
> * Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried
> to kill us, we won, let's eat.
>
> * Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
> Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I
> haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she
> replied.
>
> * Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and
> a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets
> go ..
>
- dave 3-30-2007 4:11 am
Good ones!
I just got this and will park it here for the time being if you don't mind:
- tom moody 3-30-2007 4:21 am
ill pass that along to my dad, but i might have to make the lawyer jewish. otherwise he might not get it.
- dave 3-30-2007 4:51 am
not to bash lifelong democrat dear ol' dad but he found this amusing enough to pass along and i spent the rest of the day telling him why its not funny.
Rudy's Last Chance to Save NY
- dave 4-07-2007 8:14 am
now my dad is sending me bad stoner humor. this comes with pictures just in case you are too stoned to appreciate the size difference between a lizard and a crocodile. damn, i just ruined it for you.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?!!"
- dave 4-25-2007 8:33 pm
That was a mighty long windup. Have you ever seen a koala? A stoned koala is like a sloth on 'ludes. Redundant.
- mark 4-25-2007 9:26 pm
according to that planet earth doc, that bamboo they eat isnt very nutritious which is why they have to eat all day.
- dave 4-25-2007 11:27 pm
They eat eucalyptus. Pandas are the not-bears that eat bamboo. Both are about as nutritious as a 2x4.
- mark 4-26-2007 12:12 am
of course i knew that. i was just testing you.
*slowly backs out of the room*
- dave 4-26-2007 1:24 am