Is There Liquor In Purgatory
I was getting rid of the evidence of irresponsible behavior over by the bocce court when I stubbed the second little piggy of my right foot on the sharp edge of the rock border. I looked down to see it bleeding right away and whereas my first instinct was to cry like a little girl I chose instead to spew obscenities like the ill-bred, frustrated, benighted blowhard that I am. Almost spewed out, and ending with a whimpering "oh golly that hurt," I began limping towards the pool, which caused the pain to increase so much that I briefly considered the possibility that I might be dying.
In Purgatory I am sitting on a bench next to a black kid with bullet hole between his eyebrows. When he turns away from me I notice that the back of his skull is missing. Hey kid, I say, I just have to know, did that hurt at all?
Naw mane, nuh uh. I got a little scared before it, think I shit myself...yeah you did, I interrupted...but no, he continued, I don't think I really felt nothing at all. Then I'm just sittin' here, guess I gotta go represent.
Is that right? I say
I don't know mane, he says turning away, I look like I got any brain in there? I don't know what all go on up in here. What about you, pops?
I glance down at my toe, embarrassed.
He says, oh you that man that crying like a little girl cuz he hurt his footie. Oh man, everybody be talking about you, how that so sad how you acting 'bout your toe. Something else you should know, pops. He turns to face me and I notice what a good looking kid he is. He has high cheekbones and his clear black eyes have me hypnotized and I'm thinking he may be descended from royalty when he interrupts my thoughts with a zinger. You ain't even dead, he tells me. You just trippin' or something.
I'm driving the Polaris over to the burn pile to off load some twigs from a big apple tree branch that broke off in the last storm. My toe isn't really hurting that badly anymore but I'm going to drive down to the house anyway to pop some Tylenol when I see an electric company bucket truck coming up the driveway. I head on over and pull up beside it and turn off my ignition. The man is looking for someplace this is not. I try to help him. He looks at his directions and tells me where he's supposed to be is near a liquor store. I suffer a momentary burst of elation like in those dreams where you open a door in your house and find a whole other wing that you didn't know about and is always way better than the house you actually live in. But I'm not tripping so I ask him if he is sure he is in the right town and he verifies by naming the town, that he is. When I tell him there is no liquor store here he says that the sheriff told him the same thing. Oh, he did? I say and he says, she. Oh right, she, I say.
He seems upset remembering his meeting with the sheriff and says, how did that happen, weren't there any men running? I tell him that yes, there were three rather impressive male candidates. He takes a call and I wait. Across from the newspaper office? he says into the phone and I nod even though he isn't looking at me.
While he's talking I'm doing some math in my head figuring how much of my gas money could be going towards liquor. Before he leaves I say, hey, just in case you do find a liquor store here will you come back and tell me where it is?
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The Preacher And The Piano Player
It might have been a little early yet for church and in any case we did not plan on attending. In Fence Post the preacher lives two houses down and had said if I should ever need anything that is where I should go, and that if he wasn't there his wife probably would be. It is a neat, well cared for, modest property and his offer seemed sincere. His last name is not Waite nor is his wife's name Helen. He had two days previous invited me to his church which is just about a quarter mile away, up on the two-lane state highway. The printout he had given me--with the hand-written query on the back, ''Does Sweet Jesus Live Here?"--had given 11a.m. as the time for the first, and only, service. The church is a relatively new structure, built in the last ten years or so and though I have only seen it from the outside and it appears small, I would guess it might seat 50 parishioners.
There have been times in my life when it was suggested that I possess a certain type of courage but any courage I possess is as far as I can tell just a mask to hide my fear. Which is to say I probably would not have the requisite courage to attend services at the little church up on the highway. I can however, imagine.
I just think it's a little early.
Are you sure this is the right church?
I'm pretty sure.
But look at the doorknob, it looks rusty.
Oh I bet that's just because these people are very clean and have no oil on their hands, which would help prevent that unsightly rust.
Cleanliness is next to godliness?
Or certainly very nearby.
What time is it now? Is it still early? Why don't we go in and get a good seat?
But we're the only car in the parking lot.
Maybe the locals come in by tunnel. I'm going in, it's too hot out here.
But Bernadette...wait...I think you're right, this is probably the wrong church. It's my mistake. I should have written down the directions...what if this is a meeting hall for those local gangsters Johnny Woodman's wife was talking about? They've seen graffiti in the area, Bernadette, this is no joke. All of this I was saying to the door as it swung shut. I stood outside, defiantly, waiting for Bernadette's return and eventual acquiescence to the realization that my game plan of hesitation was better than hers. As that didn't happen right away I became impatient and entered the church.
I was greeted by a screeching electronic feedback which preceded the warm syrupy tones of my neighbor preacher. Welcome, I am so glad you all could make it. Bernadette was nowhere in sight. I waved meekly and sat down. Immediately there began a jaunty hymn hammered out on a stand up piano to the left of the pulpit. From old habit I looked for documentation and in the seatback in front of me extracted a sheaf of paper, which listed the opening hymn as--In My Heart There Rings a Melody. The piano player was a boy child appearing to be maybe ten-years-old. In the two beat following the last note the preacher said, please be seated, and as I was already seated, I momentarily stood up, before awkwardly sitting down again. I was the only one in the church, besides the preacher and the piano player. I warned Bernadette about those gangbangers, but she doesn't listen, she has her own way.
The preacher began--it's good to see some new faces here today and I felt my face flush. Luckily there happened a distraction coming from the door to the right of the pulpit and what came through that door was a procession of two women and three children, the children being teenagers, one boy and two girls. Of the two women, one was Bernadette in a flower print dress, perhaps a little large for her, and the other I ventured to guess was the preacher's wife. They all came and sat in the seats on either side of me. Bernadette by expression gave no clue. The preacher's wife, to my left, leaned over and said, I thought your wife might be more comfortable in one of my dresses. I nodded and said, hmm hmm. Bernadette, to my right, clasped my right hand with her left, and dug her nails into the back of my knuckles.
The sermon began and was a homily of some sort based on the idea that there were three ways to get what you wanted. One was to work for it, the other was to lie, cheat, and steal for it, and the third way was to accept the thing as a gift. Shortly after the sermon began I bowed my head in apparent prayer and napped my way through the most of it, waking every so often when I felt a pain emanating from my right hand.
I felt myself being lifted (perhaps spirited away) at some point and when I regained what we all might agree is a reasonable semblance of consciousness, I was back in the Jeep, driving down the highway. Bernadette, in the seat beside me, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, was very quiet, and I contemplated engagement, but opted instead for silent contemplation.
It might have been a little early yet for church and in any case we did not plan on attending. In Fence Post the preacher lives two houses down and had said if I should ever need anything that is where I should go, and that if he wasn't there his wife probably would be. It is a neat, well cared for, modest property and his offer seemed sincere. His last name is not Waite nor is his wife's name Helen. He had two days previous invited me to his church which is just about a quarter mile away, up on the two-lane state highway. The printout he had given me--with the hand-written query on the back, ''Does Sweet Jesus Live Here?"--had given 11a.m. as the time for the first, and only, service. The church is a relatively new structure, built in the last ten years or so and though I have only seen it from the outside and it appears small, I would guess it might seat 50 parishioners.
There have been times in my life when it was suggested that I possess a certain type of courage but any courage I possess is as far as I can tell just a mask to hide my fear. Which is to say I probably would not have the requisite courage to attend services at the little church up on the highway. I can however, imagine.
I just think it's a little early.
Are you sure this is the right church?
I'm pretty sure.
But look at the doorknob, it looks rusty.
Oh I bet that's just because these people are very clean and have no oil on their hands, which would help prevent that unsightly rust.
Cleanliness is next to godliness?
Or certainly very nearby.
What time is it now? Is it still early? Why don't we go in and get a good seat?
But we're the only car in the parking lot.
Maybe the locals come in by tunnel. I'm going in, it's too hot out here.
But Bernadette...wait...I think you're right, this is probably the wrong church. It's my mistake. I should have written down the directions...what if this is a meeting hall for those local gangsters Johnny Woodman's wife was talking about? They've seen graffiti in the area, Bernadette, this is no joke. All of this I was saying to the door as it swung shut. I stood outside, defiantly, waiting for Bernadette's return and eventual acquiescence to the realization that my game plan of hesitation was better than hers. As that didn't happen right away I became impatient and entered the church.
I was greeted by a screeching electronic feedback which preceded the warm syrupy tones of my neighbor preacher. Welcome, I am so glad you all could make it. Bernadette was nowhere in sight. I waved meekly and sat down. Immediately there began a jaunty hymn hammered out on a stand up piano to the left of the pulpit. From old habit I looked for documentation and in the seatback in front of me extracted a sheaf of paper, which listed the opening hymn as--In My Heart There Rings a Melody. The piano player was a boy child appearing to be maybe ten-years-old. In the two beat following the last note the preacher said, please be seated, and as I was already seated, I momentarily stood up, before awkwardly sitting down again. I was the only one in the church, besides the preacher and the piano player. I warned Bernadette about those gangbangers, but she doesn't listen, she has her own way.
The preacher began--it's good to see some new faces here today and I felt my face flush. Luckily there happened a distraction coming from the door to the right of the pulpit and what came through that door was a procession of two women and three children, the children being teenagers, one boy and two girls. Of the two women, one was Bernadette in a flower print dress, perhaps a little large for her, and the other I ventured to guess was the preacher's wife. They all came and sat in the seats on either side of me. Bernadette by expression gave no clue. The preacher's wife, to my left, leaned over and said, I thought your wife might be more comfortable in one of my dresses. I nodded and said, hmm hmm. Bernadette, to my right, clasped my right hand with her left, and dug her nails into the back of my knuckles.
The sermon began and was a homily of some sort based on the idea that there were three ways to get what you wanted. One was to work for it, the other was to lie, cheat, and steal for it, and the third way was to accept the thing as a gift. Shortly after the sermon began I bowed my head in apparent prayer and napped my way through the most of it, waking every so often when I felt a pain emanating from my right hand.
I felt myself being lifted (perhaps spirited away) at some point and when I regained what we all might agree is a reasonable semblance of consciousness, I was back in the Jeep, driving down the highway. Bernadette, in the seat beside me, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, was very quiet, and I contemplated engagement, but opted instead for silent contemplation.
Redneck Dog Pen
I'd been loading the last of the dog pen wood pallets onto the trailer for transport to burn pile number ten and swinging the sledge and prying off with crowbar the 2X4s and 1X4s and 4X4s and scraps of plywood that comprised the framework onto which chicken and hog wire were attached and I should mention the maple and oak and poplar trees, forty feet higher than they needed to be as vertical support posts, living crucified with nails and staples and also having accepted over time the grafting of hog wire into the history of their trunks. Fucking redneck dog pen. Oops, my bad, there I was just giving description and a little bit of my anger came through. I've already expressed a lack of enmity for this man who rented from me but his landscape maintenance I have to tell you has just about got me fit to be tied, oh hell, not just about. I extracted as many nails as I could from the trunks of these trees but don't have a pry bar big enough to yank out the one or two, foot long spikes; what was he thinking?
I'm a tree lover, I admit it, shoot me.
I looked into the bucket into which I threw the nails and thought about a future where I drove them into the renter's forehead. I guess that doesn't really describe a lack of enmity. Except for that bit of remaining tic-tac-toeing of metal grown into the trees there's about 50 feet of hog wire unattached or snipped away from all support that still needs to be yanked from where it is buried in the ground, probably attached to rotting 1X6s. I about felt my groin ripping trying to pull it out by hand so I'll one of these days hook a tow rope to the Jeep and pull it out with that.
I tried to calm myself the next day by raking about a quarter acres worth of leaves and twigs into piles. Around 1:30 in the afternoon Danny Claypool comes driving up on his red four seater golf cart with a half empty Coors Light in the cup holder. I'm writing this now back at the manicured grounds of Mt. Pleasant, in Virginia. There's a local mystery drunk who tosses his empty Coors Light bottles onto the strip of ground bordering the front of the property here. That's what I'm thinking about in N. Carolina raking twigs looking at the Coors bottle in Claypool's cup holder. Claypool's corn growing in my garden has benefitted by rain in my absence and is now about waist high, back dropping the two of us. He wants to know how I'm doing and you know, I'm just doing, I don't know what to tell him. We had about twenty minutes of bonding that first time out, some 6 weeks ago and he is wanting to rework a few of those topics, what is was like in New Orleans, how much it costs to live in New York, how much junk the renter left laying around. After about 90 seconds of that there is a silence during which I feel a little uncomfortable as Claypool stares vacantly at the leaf dust and bits of twig stuck to my sweating naked rib bones.
I want to apologize for planting that corn without asking you. I should have ask you first.
You should have ask me first, that is true.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
Well I got to tell you, planting the corn didn't bother me anywhere near as much as you watering it hooked up to my well.
That was dumb, I shouldn't have done that.
Well Danny, I don't really have the energy to be pissed off about these things forever and I've got a lot of work to do here so let's just forget about all that. You can finish out the corn this year but as for the future I don't want you doing anything in this garden without my permission.
That's fair enough Jim, I won't. I hope you're not holding this against me. I tell him I'm not. He's looking all sad and dopey like an old hound dog into who's face you are waving a chewed up leather shoe. I try to mean what I say but just in case I am not able to live up to my magnanimous pretensions, I have plenty enough nails to pluck from the lovely wounded trees for insertion into another thick skulled forehead.
I'd been loading the last of the dog pen wood pallets onto the trailer for transport to burn pile number ten and swinging the sledge and prying off with crowbar the 2X4s and 1X4s and 4X4s and scraps of plywood that comprised the framework onto which chicken and hog wire were attached and I should mention the maple and oak and poplar trees, forty feet higher than they needed to be as vertical support posts, living crucified with nails and staples and also having accepted over time the grafting of hog wire into the history of their trunks. Fucking redneck dog pen. Oops, my bad, there I was just giving description and a little bit of my anger came through. I've already expressed a lack of enmity for this man who rented from me but his landscape maintenance I have to tell you has just about got me fit to be tied, oh hell, not just about. I extracted as many nails as I could from the trunks of these trees but don't have a pry bar big enough to yank out the one or two, foot long spikes; what was he thinking?
I'm a tree lover, I admit it, shoot me.
I looked into the bucket into which I threw the nails and thought about a future where I drove them into the renter's forehead. I guess that doesn't really describe a lack of enmity. Except for that bit of remaining tic-tac-toeing of metal grown into the trees there's about 50 feet of hog wire unattached or snipped away from all support that still needs to be yanked from where it is buried in the ground, probably attached to rotting 1X6s. I about felt my groin ripping trying to pull it out by hand so I'll one of these days hook a tow rope to the Jeep and pull it out with that.
I tried to calm myself the next day by raking about a quarter acres worth of leaves and twigs into piles. Around 1:30 in the afternoon Danny Claypool comes driving up on his red four seater golf cart with a half empty Coors Light in the cup holder. I'm writing this now back at the manicured grounds of Mt. Pleasant, in Virginia. There's a local mystery drunk who tosses his empty Coors Light bottles onto the strip of ground bordering the front of the property here. That's what I'm thinking about in N. Carolina raking twigs looking at the Coors bottle in Claypool's cup holder. Claypool's corn growing in my garden has benefitted by rain in my absence and is now about waist high, back dropping the two of us. He wants to know how I'm doing and you know, I'm just doing, I don't know what to tell him. We had about twenty minutes of bonding that first time out, some 6 weeks ago and he is wanting to rework a few of those topics, what is was like in New Orleans, how much it costs to live in New York, how much junk the renter left laying around. After about 90 seconds of that there is a silence during which I feel a little uncomfortable as Claypool stares vacantly at the leaf dust and bits of twig stuck to my sweating naked rib bones.
I want to apologize for planting that corn without asking you. I should have ask you first.
You should have ask me first, that is true.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
Well I got to tell you, planting the corn didn't bother me anywhere near as much as you watering it hooked up to my well.
That was dumb, I shouldn't have done that.
Well Danny, I don't really have the energy to be pissed off about these things forever and I've got a lot of work to do here so let's just forget about all that. You can finish out the corn this year but as for the future I don't want you doing anything in this garden without my permission.
That's fair enough Jim, I won't. I hope you're not holding this against me. I tell him I'm not. He's looking all sad and dopey like an old hound dog into who's face you are waving a chewed up leather shoe. I try to mean what I say but just in case I am not able to live up to my magnanimous pretensions, I have plenty enough nails to pluck from the lovely wounded trees for insertion into another thick skulled forehead.
Sweet Jesus
I don't know what I ever did to Bernadette to deserve that. We're heading out to Saxapaw a little later on, and I was taking a little nap, I don't know, just feeling a little wore out from the grunting and sweating or maybe that tick bite is infected and I gots the Fence Post fever, I really don't know, but I was tired enough for a nap and she comes in and says there's a green truck out there, oh hell maybe I wasn't completely asleep because why would she talk to me if I were, damn I wish I had a been though and the door knocks and I know one thing, I'm too sleepy to think straight, just ignore the knocking I might have said more clear headed, but she's out there answering it, I hear my name drawled out like a warm bit of tobacco juice dripping down a man's chin, and she comes back all sheepish like she just turned me into the law, oh I wish she had, you remember that Bernadette, you turn me into the law but don't answer that knocking in Fence Post. Jim he says, you remember me? I really don't so I just say it, I mean I must of just blocked it out because this guy is married to one of the Claypool women I guess, lives two houses down he says, they almost all Claypools in some fashion out here, it's coming back to me now, he tells me I told him last time--I just woke up from a nap remember--that I said he was trying to tell me what was wrong with my life and I said I'm not sure I would have said that, and then I go, oh you mean 14 years ago? He says has it been that long and I say yep, he gives me a piece of paper and says read the back and hand written are the words "does Sweet Jesus live here?" and I have to be completely honest, I really don't know, well this is all an invite to join his church just around the corner there, ain't gonna be no passing of the plate he assures me, does this guy have 14 year old notes on me? because I might have accused him of being a plate passer, I can see myself saying that but he just goes on and on all syrupy like and I'm trying to maintain eye contact, just trying to be polite...his shirt is too crisp and that after-shave is too strong and I got to get to Saxapaw. We're heading out now.
I don't know what I ever did to Bernadette to deserve that. We're heading out to Saxapaw a little later on, and I was taking a little nap, I don't know, just feeling a little wore out from the grunting and sweating or maybe that tick bite is infected and I gots the Fence Post fever, I really don't know, but I was tired enough for a nap and she comes in and says there's a green truck out there, oh hell maybe I wasn't completely asleep because why would she talk to me if I were, damn I wish I had a been though and the door knocks and I know one thing, I'm too sleepy to think straight, just ignore the knocking I might have said more clear headed, but she's out there answering it, I hear my name drawled out like a warm bit of tobacco juice dripping down a man's chin, and she comes back all sheepish like she just turned me into the law, oh I wish she had, you remember that Bernadette, you turn me into the law but don't answer that knocking in Fence Post. Jim he says, you remember me? I really don't so I just say it, I mean I must of just blocked it out because this guy is married to one of the Claypool women I guess, lives two houses down he says, they almost all Claypools in some fashion out here, it's coming back to me now, he tells me I told him last time--I just woke up from a nap remember--that I said he was trying to tell me what was wrong with my life and I said I'm not sure I would have said that, and then I go, oh you mean 14 years ago? He says has it been that long and I say yep, he gives me a piece of paper and says read the back and hand written are the words "does Sweet Jesus live here?" and I have to be completely honest, I really don't know, well this is all an invite to join his church just around the corner there, ain't gonna be no passing of the plate he assures me, does this guy have 14 year old notes on me? because I might have accused him of being a plate passer, I can see myself saying that but he just goes on and on all syrupy like and I'm trying to maintain eye contact, just trying to be polite...his shirt is too crisp and that after-shave is too strong and I got to get to Saxapaw. We're heading out now.
Mowing Day
The moon waxes fatter and fatter in Fence Post as burning days pass and the debris of Randy Renter continues to float up to the surface after every rain.
Johnny Woodman brought his Bobcat and blow torch over while I was gone and has started taking apart the last three vehicles--two truck beds and a front half of a small truck--and loading the metal onto his trailer for redemption at the nearby scrap metal place. I ask him if he was making out well enough to make it worth his effort and he said he is getting about 200 dollars for every load. He's been for the last couple of weeks trying to pass a small rough edged pebble through the soft tender insides of his urinary tract so his side work project of helping me clean this place up has suffered some from that.
The over the counter pain killers aren't doing much and my left caliper and lower ball joint are causing me some discomfort but I only mention that in passing so that I can say I would never mention it to a man with a kidney stone.
I did not desire to travel with a box of shit this time so the cat is coming and going through the hole in the floor and is so far apparently taking care of her business outdoors.
It rained here while I was gone so the neighbors' grass, which was brown when I left, has turned green and now while I sit here the sound of their mowing and weed-eating reminds me of the guilty pleasure I would feel sitting inside here while they mowed and weed-eated 14 years ago.
Bernadette is here, has set up a North Carolina office, and is using the bathroom door set atop two saw horses as her desk. Danny Claypool has appeared for the first time this visit and is this minute stirring up dust running his tractor with mower attachment over the few blades of grass in my mostly dirt yard. Pebbles ping the glass of Bernadette's corner office. He has only shorts covering his sun burned body and is wearing wrap around mirror shades. His bearded face is so sun burned it would be hard to tell if he had an alcohol flush. He did this mowing the first time I was here as what I thought was a one time favor and him doing it now is part of a play that if accurately written would be mostly pitiful and half the audience would leave at the intermission. Danny, a three time losing drunk driver with revoked license goes to jail just before the intermission for driving his golf cart on the highway.
I don't like going out on the property during mowing day, I don't know why, I just never have.
The moon waxes fatter and fatter in Fence Post as burning days pass and the debris of Randy Renter continues to float up to the surface after every rain.
Johnny Woodman brought his Bobcat and blow torch over while I was gone and has started taking apart the last three vehicles--two truck beds and a front half of a small truck--and loading the metal onto his trailer for redemption at the nearby scrap metal place. I ask him if he was making out well enough to make it worth his effort and he said he is getting about 200 dollars for every load. He's been for the last couple of weeks trying to pass a small rough edged pebble through the soft tender insides of his urinary tract so his side work project of helping me clean this place up has suffered some from that.
The over the counter pain killers aren't doing much and my left caliper and lower ball joint are causing me some discomfort but I only mention that in passing so that I can say I would never mention it to a man with a kidney stone.
I did not desire to travel with a box of shit this time so the cat is coming and going through the hole in the floor and is so far apparently taking care of her business outdoors.
It rained here while I was gone so the neighbors' grass, which was brown when I left, has turned green and now while I sit here the sound of their mowing and weed-eating reminds me of the guilty pleasure I would feel sitting inside here while they mowed and weed-eated 14 years ago.
Bernadette is here, has set up a North Carolina office, and is using the bathroom door set atop two saw horses as her desk. Danny Claypool has appeared for the first time this visit and is this minute stirring up dust running his tractor with mower attachment over the few blades of grass in my mostly dirt yard. Pebbles ping the glass of Bernadette's corner office. He has only shorts covering his sun burned body and is wearing wrap around mirror shades. His bearded face is so sun burned it would be hard to tell if he had an alcohol flush. He did this mowing the first time I was here as what I thought was a one time favor and him doing it now is part of a play that if accurately written would be mostly pitiful and half the audience would leave at the intermission. Danny, a three time losing drunk driver with revoked license goes to jail just before the intermission for driving his golf cart on the highway.
I don't like going out on the property during mowing day, I don't know why, I just never have.
Catfishing
The cat came down to the algae-choked pond to join me for a little fishing. Caught some algae. Threw most of it back. I put the fly rod down with the line all pulled out and was getting ready to wind it up and go back to the house...
...when the cat ran wildly from where I stood over to the tall grass by the willow tree and got herself hooked in the chest by the small fly. The line whizzed out from the reel for a second and then she snapped the leader. After I coaxed her up to the house she seemed mostly oblivious to the fly hooked in her chest but as someone trained her to be a playful biter it was difficult to calmly diagnose just how deep into her was the small hook. When she started gnawing at it as if it were a burr in her coat I began to worry that she would get the hook stuck in her mouth. This was quite a predicament. It was a Saturday evening so there would be no chance for a Vet visit until Monday. Just as I was about to lose hope the hook and fly just fell from her chest onto the brick sidewalk leading up to the breezeway. I was happy and resolved not to fish with my cat anymore.
The cat came down to the algae-choked pond to join me for a little fishing. Caught some algae. Threw most of it back. I put the fly rod down with the line all pulled out and was getting ready to wind it up and go back to the house...
...when the cat ran wildly from where I stood over to the tall grass by the willow tree and got herself hooked in the chest by the small fly. The line whizzed out from the reel for a second and then she snapped the leader. After I coaxed her up to the house she seemed mostly oblivious to the fly hooked in her chest but as someone trained her to be a playful biter it was difficult to calmly diagnose just how deep into her was the small hook. When she started gnawing at it as if it were a burr in her coat I began to worry that she would get the hook stuck in her mouth. This was quite a predicament. It was a Saturday evening so there would be no chance for a Vet visit until Monday. Just as I was about to lose hope the hook and fly just fell from her chest onto the brick sidewalk leading up to the breezeway. I was happy and resolved not to fish with my cat anymore.
The Ballad Of Teddy Goodman
I am for all practical purposes too pooped to poke through this preponderancy of paint pots and assorted personal particulate under this poplar, Slim said out loud to himself while the Cardinal above him offered a wheat, wheat, wheat of affirmation. Better you than me, the Cardinal said, to which Slim responded, go away Red. Red said, better Red than dead, better Red than Fred, better Red than you. I think I will call you Fred, Red, Slim said.
Maybe I sucked too hard on that Green Label last night, Slim mused, or maybe it was that half pound of hamburger for breakfast, I just don't know. I only eat bugs and berries and buds, and on Sundays, worms, lot's of fat juicy worms, said Red. Fascinating, Fred, Slim said. I think since we are becoming friends I will call you Ted, said Fred. I am not really in the market for a red friend, Ted said to Red Fred. Isn't that a pity, Ted. If we were friends I would gladly pick off you that tick which crawled from a stick and is on its way to your...
Red Fred, Ted said, I will pick off my own ticks but thank you for that kind offer. Ted, Ted, Teddy, how great to have a friend named Ted, said Red Fred to Slim Ted. Oh my friend Teddy, don't look so glum under the sweet gum. You might find a piece of treasure buried beneath this boneyard of iron and tin. Do you really think so Red Fred? Well actually T-T-T-Teddy, I think no such thing, the man before he had no bling to bring, only trash, trash, trash, he was a trash hauling man, he would bring trash in the morning and trash in the evenings, that trash hauling man loved his trash more than anything.
You are quite a singer, Ted said. Thank you Ted, said Red Fred, actually I am shopping around for a producer. I will admit, and forgive me for saying this, but when I first saw you out here I thought, well you know, with the long hair and all, well, I thought you might be a producer, like in the business. Do you remember those first few days how I sang from sunup to sundown? I guess I was trying to impress you, but I got the distinct impression I was annoying you, so I went away for awhile to Pig Hollow, to visit a sick aunt. Tell me the truth, did you miss me while I was gone? No? Not really? Well no matter. The day I got back I heard you singing and that was when I realized you probably weren't in the business, but Ted, I hope my candor will not impede on our budding friendship.
I'm sure the status of our friendship will remain fairly constant, Fred.
That is music to my ears good man Teddy. In fact I think I will start this minute working on a new ballad. I will call it The Ballad of Teddy Goodman. I hope you don't mind that all my title characters die in the end, I think it adds a gravity that so much music today is lacking.
That would be great, Red Fred, to be the inspiration for your song. As for the dying, I guess I'm ok with it.
I think we're going places, Teddy. But oh my I fear I have worn you out with the vibrance of my personality. A power nap, that's what you need my friend. Go in there and lie down and in one hour I will sing you awake.
Just one hour Red Fred, said Ted, before going back to bed.
I am for all practical purposes too pooped to poke through this preponderancy of paint pots and assorted personal particulate under this poplar, Slim said out loud to himself while the Cardinal above him offered a wheat, wheat, wheat of affirmation. Better you than me, the Cardinal said, to which Slim responded, go away Red. Red said, better Red than dead, better Red than Fred, better Red than you. I think I will call you Fred, Red, Slim said.
Maybe I sucked too hard on that Green Label last night, Slim mused, or maybe it was that half pound of hamburger for breakfast, I just don't know. I only eat bugs and berries and buds, and on Sundays, worms, lot's of fat juicy worms, said Red. Fascinating, Fred, Slim said. I think since we are becoming friends I will call you Ted, said Fred. I am not really in the market for a red friend, Ted said to Red Fred. Isn't that a pity, Ted. If we were friends I would gladly pick off you that tick which crawled from a stick and is on its way to your...
Red Fred, Ted said, I will pick off my own ticks but thank you for that kind offer. Ted, Ted, Teddy, how great to have a friend named Ted, said Red Fred to Slim Ted. Oh my friend Teddy, don't look so glum under the sweet gum. You might find a piece of treasure buried beneath this boneyard of iron and tin. Do you really think so Red Fred? Well actually T-T-T-Teddy, I think no such thing, the man before he had no bling to bring, only trash, trash, trash, he was a trash hauling man, he would bring trash in the morning and trash in the evenings, that trash hauling man loved his trash more than anything.
You are quite a singer, Ted said. Thank you Ted, said Red Fred, actually I am shopping around for a producer. I will admit, and forgive me for saying this, but when I first saw you out here I thought, well you know, with the long hair and all, well, I thought you might be a producer, like in the business. Do you remember those first few days how I sang from sunup to sundown? I guess I was trying to impress you, but I got the distinct impression I was annoying you, so I went away for awhile to Pig Hollow, to visit a sick aunt. Tell me the truth, did you miss me while I was gone? No? Not really? Well no matter. The day I got back I heard you singing and that was when I realized you probably weren't in the business, but Ted, I hope my candor will not impede on our budding friendship.
I'm sure the status of our friendship will remain fairly constant, Fred.
That is music to my ears good man Teddy. In fact I think I will start this minute working on a new ballad. I will call it The Ballad of Teddy Goodman. I hope you don't mind that all my title characters die in the end, I think it adds a gravity that so much music today is lacking.
That would be great, Red Fred, to be the inspiration for your song. As for the dying, I guess I'm ok with it.
I think we're going places, Teddy. But oh my I fear I have worn you out with the vibrance of my personality. A power nap, that's what you need my friend. Go in there and lie down and in one hour I will sing you awake.
Just one hour Red Fred, said Ted, before going back to bed.
Aunt Florence's Vacation Slides
These are pictures of the two week old corn that Claypool planted in my garden and turning your back to the garden the next picture is a shot across the property between the two sheds. The tree trunk framing the left of the picture is a shag bark hickory and in the bottom right up to and around those first two trees (the right one almost out of the picture) is where the larger of the chicken coops was and if you look real hard just upper right of dead center you can see the disconnected white cab of a small Toyota truck tucked into the far woods. Just to the right of that is where I have stacked the tires for now. The shed on the right is where, back left corner, the paints cans and buckets are still located and the shed you can almost see on the left is where, under the right overhang, the 302 V-8 Maverick used to sit and just to front left of that shed on the left is where the cripped aluminum carport frame used to reside. Just across from that, behind that right shed is where I began the archeology out here, digging up a large half buried pile of lumber, which made up the first (of I think now seven) burn pile.
The next picture is the tires I mentioned.
The next picture is the top left of the Maverick shed with a big tree in the background.
The next picture is the Maverick shed and right overhang where the Maverick lived for 14 years. In the background in the shadows is where the dog pen is, which I have started to dismantle.
The next picture is a flower on a small tree to the left of the Maverick shed's left overhang. I guess it appears to be some sort of dog...I just got up to see what that crashing sound was and it was that big dead limb from the pecan tree in the backyard that I was thinking I would cut off one day but now I don't have to. Anyway that flower I guess would be some sort of dogwood but neither it nor the leaf are classic dogwood so I don't really know what it is.
The next three pictures are from the back edge of the property and show proof I guess that the big trees do blow down sometimes (and maybe helped along by bugs).
These are pictures of the two week old corn that Claypool planted in my garden and turning your back to the garden the next picture is a shot across the property between the two sheds. The tree trunk framing the left of the picture is a shag bark hickory and in the bottom right up to and around those first two trees (the right one almost out of the picture) is where the larger of the chicken coops was and if you look real hard just upper right of dead center you can see the disconnected white cab of a small Toyota truck tucked into the far woods. Just to the right of that is where I have stacked the tires for now. The shed on the right is where, back left corner, the paints cans and buckets are still located and the shed you can almost see on the left is where, under the right overhang, the 302 V-8 Maverick used to sit and just to front left of that shed on the left is where the cripped aluminum carport frame used to reside. Just across from that, behind that right shed is where I began the archeology out here, digging up a large half buried pile of lumber, which made up the first (of I think now seven) burn pile.
The next picture is the tires I mentioned.
The next picture is the top left of the Maverick shed with a big tree in the background.
The next picture is the Maverick shed and right overhang where the Maverick lived for 14 years. In the background in the shadows is where the dog pen is, which I have started to dismantle.
The next picture is a flower on a small tree to the left of the Maverick shed's left overhang. I guess it appears to be some sort of dog...I just got up to see what that crashing sound was and it was that big dead limb from the pecan tree in the backyard that I was thinking I would cut off one day but now I don't have to. Anyway that flower I guess would be some sort of dogwood but neither it nor the leaf are classic dogwood so I don't really know what it is.
The next three pictures are from the back edge of the property and show proof I guess that the big trees do blow down sometimes (and maybe helped along by bugs).
Manure If It Pleases You
The drama regarding Slim's Internet connection rises to new heights after a technician spends 4 hours at the house, tries three different modems, confers by phone with a half dozen different fellow technicians, and leaves in defeat. I've been working with DSL for three years and I've never seen anything like this, the technician tells Slim. Slim takes a measure of satisfaction in the fact that his DSL problem is one for the ages. He imagines technicians a hundred years from now talking about this one during their coffee breaks. My great-great grandfather tole me about this one in Fence Post, there was this old scraggly lookin smelly hermit he live in a run down shack trying to get what they called high speed back in those days, they tore apart a whole relay substation trying to get to the bottom of it, but never did. The hermit I hear he died in his sleep, apparently with a phone pressed to his ear while on hold to one of our technicians.
Meanwhile, in that world not ruled by fancy gadgets, Slim finds himself knee deep in dried chicken shit, with a crowbar and a sledge hammer, a pair of wire snips and a vocabulary to make a sailor blush. He was feeling pretty full of himself and unreasonably manly after he collapsed the first coop with three or four blows from the 8 lb. sledge, but the second coop was a test to his patience and the efficacy of his last tetanus shot. After a long day that had begun with him up on the roof removing a small limb blown there from the previous night's storm, the two coops were piled in two separate loadings onto his 8X12 flatbed trailer. The first pile he off loaded onto the burn pile and after the wind died down he struck a match to some paper below cardboard below twigs which he had gathered up from his lawn that morning and as the technician explained to Slim why he still did not have Internet access, the fire blazed in the background.
Earlier worrying that he had somehow distanced himself from potential ally, Johnny Woodman, the earnest, hardworking, neighbor across the street, Slim had walked over and confronted Johnny with a proposition. Did Johnny want this pile of cut lumber stacked in his backyard? Johnny was working on his log-splitter at the time but said he would take a break and come see. When they got to talking about, among other things, that bastard Danny Claypool, Johnny said he had watched Danny plant the corn and just assumed Slim had given him permission. Johnny also said he thought Slim was mad at him because Slim didn't wave back a couple of times and that maybe he heard that he, Johnny, didn't take no shit from Claypool and seeing as how we appeared to be buddies... but Slim assured Johnny that if he didn't wave back it was because he didn't see Johnny waving and that he held no particular affection for Danny Claypool. Slim told him about Claypool using his water and Johnny said the thing about Claypool was that if you gave him an inch he would take a mile. Slim said he had not intended to give Claypool an inch, just his 302 V-8.
Slim got to thinking and said, hey, Johnny, what would you think about you planting this garden in the future? Johnny said, well I already have a garden, but Slim said, well you could have another one, nice brown dirt over here, and Johnny agreed that it was a nice garden spot and that if Slim wanted him to, he would plant and maintain it in the future. They got to talking some more and about an hour later Johnny was backing his truck up to one of the metal piles. He took the aluminum pile first and then later in the day came back and got most of the heavy metals. Slim did not ask or care what amount of profit Johnny took from it.
There was still, after this removal, an unacceptable amount of junk on the property but Johnny's wife tried to encourage Slim by saying when their friends visit they are much impressed by the progress. Johnny kept telling Slim to cheer up. Apparently when Slim had his game face on it was a countenance dour to behold. Slim tried smiling but found it to feel counter to his motive, which at the time was was working, grunting, sweating, and cussing, in piles of dried chicken shit.
(As I was leaving for the 10 mile drive to post this a technician called and said give it a try and I did and it worked, something about a loop where there shouldn't have been one)
The drama regarding Slim's Internet connection rises to new heights after a technician spends 4 hours at the house, tries three different modems, confers by phone with a half dozen different fellow technicians, and leaves in defeat. I've been working with DSL for three years and I've never seen anything like this, the technician tells Slim. Slim takes a measure of satisfaction in the fact that his DSL problem is one for the ages. He imagines technicians a hundred years from now talking about this one during their coffee breaks. My great-great grandfather tole me about this one in Fence Post, there was this old scraggly lookin smelly hermit he live in a run down shack trying to get what they called high speed back in those days, they tore apart a whole relay substation trying to get to the bottom of it, but never did. The hermit I hear he died in his sleep, apparently with a phone pressed to his ear while on hold to one of our technicians.
Meanwhile, in that world not ruled by fancy gadgets, Slim finds himself knee deep in dried chicken shit, with a crowbar and a sledge hammer, a pair of wire snips and a vocabulary to make a sailor blush. He was feeling pretty full of himself and unreasonably manly after he collapsed the first coop with three or four blows from the 8 lb. sledge, but the second coop was a test to his patience and the efficacy of his last tetanus shot. After a long day that had begun with him up on the roof removing a small limb blown there from the previous night's storm, the two coops were piled in two separate loadings onto his 8X12 flatbed trailer. The first pile he off loaded onto the burn pile and after the wind died down he struck a match to some paper below cardboard below twigs which he had gathered up from his lawn that morning and as the technician explained to Slim why he still did not have Internet access, the fire blazed in the background.
Earlier worrying that he had somehow distanced himself from potential ally, Johnny Woodman, the earnest, hardworking, neighbor across the street, Slim had walked over and confronted Johnny with a proposition. Did Johnny want this pile of cut lumber stacked in his backyard? Johnny was working on his log-splitter at the time but said he would take a break and come see. When they got to talking about, among other things, that bastard Danny Claypool, Johnny said he had watched Danny plant the corn and just assumed Slim had given him permission. Johnny also said he thought Slim was mad at him because Slim didn't wave back a couple of times and that maybe he heard that he, Johnny, didn't take no shit from Claypool and seeing as how we appeared to be buddies... but Slim assured Johnny that if he didn't wave back it was because he didn't see Johnny waving and that he held no particular affection for Danny Claypool. Slim told him about Claypool using his water and Johnny said the thing about Claypool was that if you gave him an inch he would take a mile. Slim said he had not intended to give Claypool an inch, just his 302 V-8.
Slim got to thinking and said, hey, Johnny, what would you think about you planting this garden in the future? Johnny said, well I already have a garden, but Slim said, well you could have another one, nice brown dirt over here, and Johnny agreed that it was a nice garden spot and that if Slim wanted him to, he would plant and maintain it in the future. They got to talking some more and about an hour later Johnny was backing his truck up to one of the metal piles. He took the aluminum pile first and then later in the day came back and got most of the heavy metals. Slim did not ask or care what amount of profit Johnny took from it.
There was still, after this removal, an unacceptable amount of junk on the property but Johnny's wife tried to encourage Slim by saying when their friends visit they are much impressed by the progress. Johnny kept telling Slim to cheer up. Apparently when Slim had his game face on it was a countenance dour to behold. Slim tried smiling but found it to feel counter to his motive, which at the time was was working, grunting, sweating, and cussing, in piles of dried chicken shit.
(As I was leaving for the 10 mile drive to post this a technician called and said give it a try and I did and it worked, something about a loop where there shouldn't have been one)
I Forgot To Eat
I was thinking about having breakfast down in the basement, eating my food right off the floor, but it may not be as spic and span as all that. I set the pile of burnable contents on fire last night. I am thinking about pressure washing the floor but will need to get a new sump pump before I do that. I am hungry but not feeling like cooking.
The diner is closed on Sunday. A few days ago I was eating in there, at the counter section to the left of the register, about which the waitress always says, oh I didn't see you, no one ever sits over here. I was thinking, I don't see why not, it is the best place to eavesdrop on this table of prominent old local men, among them an ancient doctor who eats in silence and a lawyer who tells stories about the goings on at the courthouse, with an educated but thickly accented tone, and there seems to be a garage owner and maybe a prominent tobacco grower or two. At the table there is a fair amount of guffawing which goes on and it is apparently an unwritten rule to not let there be too much silence in between stories. There is a polite rotation between the men and they rarely talk over each other. I can't really get the gist of the stories, partly because of the accents and partly because, even if I were sitting at the table as invited guest, there is here in North Carolina often the presupposition that the listener possesses intimate knowledge about things, places, and people, he really has no way of knowing anything about. I sometimes find myself falsely nodding, for example after being assured that I do know that road that forks off over by the shutdown two stall carwash, where Billy Jenkins flipped his Camaro?
...I never did eat anything this morning, instead I beat senseless an aluminum carport frame into smaller pieces and added it to a pile and put some more stuff on the burn pile and now I'm at the hot spot getting ready to post this and then get something to eat. The tech guy just called me on my cell and he's very apologetic saying their "engineers" pinged to my modem, etc, etc, and they probably think there is something wrong with my computer, they don't care that I'm checking email and posting this from a hotspot. They are sending somebody to the house with a laptop tomorrow to get to the bottom of these crazy accusations that their service is faulty. I will be there I told Matthew the tech guy.
I was thinking about having breakfast down in the basement, eating my food right off the floor, but it may not be as spic and span as all that. I set the pile of burnable contents on fire last night. I am thinking about pressure washing the floor but will need to get a new sump pump before I do that. I am hungry but not feeling like cooking.
The diner is closed on Sunday. A few days ago I was eating in there, at the counter section to the left of the register, about which the waitress always says, oh I didn't see you, no one ever sits over here. I was thinking, I don't see why not, it is the best place to eavesdrop on this table of prominent old local men, among them an ancient doctor who eats in silence and a lawyer who tells stories about the goings on at the courthouse, with an educated but thickly accented tone, and there seems to be a garage owner and maybe a prominent tobacco grower or two. At the table there is a fair amount of guffawing which goes on and it is apparently an unwritten rule to not let there be too much silence in between stories. There is a polite rotation between the men and they rarely talk over each other. I can't really get the gist of the stories, partly because of the accents and partly because, even if I were sitting at the table as invited guest, there is here in North Carolina often the presupposition that the listener possesses intimate knowledge about things, places, and people, he really has no way of knowing anything about. I sometimes find myself falsely nodding, for example after being assured that I do know that road that forks off over by the shutdown two stall carwash, where Billy Jenkins flipped his Camaro?
...I never did eat anything this morning, instead I beat senseless an aluminum carport frame into smaller pieces and added it to a pile and put some more stuff on the burn pile and now I'm at the hot spot getting ready to post this and then get something to eat. The tech guy just called me on my cell and he's very apologetic saying their "engineers" pinged to my modem, etc, etc, and they probably think there is something wrong with my computer, they don't care that I'm checking email and posting this from a hotspot. They are sending somebody to the house with a laptop tomorrow to get to the bottom of these crazy accusations that their service is faulty. I will be there I told Matthew the tech guy.