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Fourth Of July7.6.97
Yesterday, after our trip to the Toys R' Us, where Glynn got a ball and bat, (Barry Bonds signature) and to the WalMart where he got a batting glove, I came inside for awhile and psyched up for a trip to Greg and Sharon's back yard barbeque. Sharon is my age, pretty, about a hundred pounds overweight. Greg has the shaved head, intense stare, and physique of a light heavyweight boxer. The barbecued chicken, and ribs, the macaroni and cheese, and jambalaya were all very good, but the two ice-cold budweisers in the ninety-five degree (sixty percent humidified) heat hit me hard and I found myself slipping away to lie in front of the AC at my house. I woke a couple of hours later, groggy, so I slurped a pint of XXX strength iced tea. Now I'm wired and groggy.

Its about 8pm now and I go outside and cross the street to Mama D's where Evelyn is sitting on the steps. Evelyn is Mama D's thirty-one year old daughter. A slightly mannish appearance, and an apparent sexual attraction to both Mandy and I has not completely precluded all of us from being friends. I ask Evelyn if she wanted to go around the corner to her front porch on Orleans and watch the fireworks that would be going off on the other side of the Quarter by the river. She wanted to go down to the river and hear the music and see it all up close. I'm not up to it this year, I say, and besides, I don't want to go off having too much fun while Mandy is suffering under the weight of a bad monthly. Evelyn doesn't want kids going either and I remind her that it is Glynn's birthday and then she tells me she has been fighting with her neighbor, Gambino, but what the hell, let's go, and Glynn can come with us. Evelyn's children are Julia, 12, and Fermin, 11. Evelyn wants me to drop her at the Joy on Canal after the fireworks and so we drive instead of walk around the corner. Its almost nine o'clock now and the heat still feels like little lead weights resting on every individual pore of your body. The air is completely still and has a density that resists you as you move through it. And the evening sky, black, starless, and thick, rests heavily on your head.

Gambino and Evelyn have been the greatest of friends in the past, Gambino barbecuing weekly on the little strip of side walk in front of their double shotgun, sharing regularly with Evelyn. But a dispute over fish cleaning and a missing porch light has escalated into a run of the mill neighborly squabble or...

As we turn left on N. Broad the night is lit with flashing red lights. Police cars coming from all directions, approaching what appears to be a pretty hairy scene up by the pumping station on St. Louis. We see a Crime Lab truck and our minds bring up visions of blood on the streets, again. Another dot on the murder map perhaps. The Saturday Metro section informs us it was a bad accident. Six men in the back of a pickup with two cases of beer and a clothes dryer spilled onto the road. All hurt, two in critical.

Evelyn, Glynn, and I, park on Orleans in front of her house. Gambino and his wife are out on their side of the porch. Gambino pleads with Evelyn to stop calling the police and their landlord on him. She had a box cutter in her hand the other night when the police came. She says they told her she had a right to defend herself. I'm not really listening. Gambino makes a gesture of taking the bulb from his porch light and putting it in Evelyn's. Glynn is eager to get into the bag of fireworks I brought with me. Gambino's wife is explaining to her husband that Evelyn is a frustrated woman. "She just loose job, she got two children to take care of." But these words sound a little bit sinister to me. Evelyn is not too sure so she just shakes her head and says, "yes I am frustrated." And it is much too hot for all this. Something is not right tonight and the hairs on my arms are bristling. Little lasers of refracted street light bounce off the sweat pouring from Glynn's forehead. And the voices are getting louder. This thing is escalating too fast. Evelyn goes inside and calls the police. When she comes back out I see this rather wicked looking filet knife inserted, blade down, in her back pocket. I start to tell Glynn something but no words come out. He seems to understand and goes to sit in the car. I look up and Evelyn is standing up with her shoulders arched slightly back. The blade is in her hand, in the sneak position--unvarnished wood handle in her clenched fist, blade point running backwards towards her elbow and pressed tight up against the inside of her wrist. She is standing two inches shy of the imaginary line which separates the two porches. If she steps over it first, its attempted murder. He steps over and she can plead self-defense. I really don't believe Gambino or his wife ever saw the knife. I step onto the sidewalk and cross the line so I am standing in front of Gambino's. The porch is elevated about two and half feet from the sidewalk. There is a wrought iron railing between us. My voice doesn't carry that well but I yell anyway and tell Gambino that he needs to leave my friend alone. The look of shock which comes over his face is disproportionate to the threat. I can only guess he realized he had been flanked, a strategic disadvantage to say the least. He mumbles some obscenities in Spanish and quickly steps inside his front door. Surely to get his gun my mind informs me. This night was made for it. Fifteen police cars and two or three ambulances a block and a half away and I'm about to become pulp. Over a light bulb and some fish guts. Gambino comes back out and walks off towards the Shell station at Broad and Orleans ( twenty-four hour beer and liquor).

Fermin and Julia show up about ten minutes later and Evelyn tells them to stay home for the night. I leave them some fireworks and Glynn decides to stay with them. I drop Evelyn at the Joy for the ten o'clock showing of Men in Black. I pick her up at midnight and drop her at her house. All is well.
- jimlouis 4-29-2000 12:48 pm [link] [add a comment]

A Warm Fuzzy Blanket
"Allegedly," I said.
"What's that?" Glynn said.
"Means he's been charged with the crime, but it hasn't been proven yet."
"Oh. Can I ask you a question? Glynn said.
"As many as you like, however, answers are a dollar a piece."
"If my grandma say it all right I can spend the weekend over here?"
"You're staying with your grandma now?"
"Yes."
"Since when?"
"Since a week and a half ago, and until my mama get out." Nettie's in jail again? And when she get's out its just a matter of time before she going back. Glynn's thinking he staying with her is a sort of "pipe dream," because she has never taken care of those kids.


After the death of Mama D one of the better shuffles of the deck landed KaKa (16), and Glynn (13), with their actual father, Eric, and his wife. 'Lil Eric (aka., Stink, or Stank, 20), when not in jail, would live wherever he could. But for Glynn I thought this was a wonderful deal; a black boy of the inner city to be with his actual father is a rare thing indeed. What went wrong? What happened? Why were you kicked out? Why doesn't anybody love you?, I wanted to ask.

I said, "Where does she stay?"
"On the other side of the Bayou, on Roosevelt. That's why I'm over here a lot lately, 'cause them boys over there, mmm, something wrong with 'em."
"You can stay."
"Thank you."
"Does it surprise you about X. I mean, if he really did it," I said.
"No," Glynn said.
"Really? Why?"
"'Cause he would always hang with them kind."


X lives around here and for a good while before Shelton went off to California, and after he got back, X and he would pal around, and fight, and be pals, then enemies, often fighting over the attentions of the same girl. X is bigger than Shelton (although Shelton has beat him up), and a year older, and is much more polite, well mannered, and mature. And for awhile he was spending a lot of time over here, sometimes I think just to piss Shelton off, but he is always very quiet sitting at the computer playing solitaire or some other simple game. Rarely will he be engrossed in the more lively computer games offered here. There was a brief period where he discovered the Internet, and pornography. I let it slide for a few days but then I started worrying about the implications for all involved and came in one day, and said, "X, you cannot look at pornography on these computers." He went into a denial so thorough that I began to question his version of reality. But he did not surf the Internet anymore. He and Shelton will still play dominoes on occasion, the winner gloating loudly over victory. And X will still play solitaire.

Earlier this week a boy said to me, "Mr. Jim, you aren't going to believe this but they got X locked up for that shootin.'"
I did not respond to that.
"You wanna know how they found it out?"
I nodded.
"X be walkin' around after sayin' 'I got me one, I got me one, I kill a man.'"
I'm shaking my head.
"That's so stupid, huh, Mr. Jim, if you kill a man you don't go around after braggin' about it."
I have to respond to that with agreement, and although I want to explain that you don't go around killing people over trivial matters, I don't; the words in my head sound weak.
There are some things that need to happen for all this killing to stop and I'm afraid, I believe, they are not going to happen. The comfort we take in the temporary downturning of crime trends is all we're going to get, is all we have. And that's so we don't get too scared or despondent about what it is that's really going on here. For true, it is a good thing we blanket ourselves with the fuzzy comfort of denial. Clarity of vision is not in our best interests. It is important that we forget, and smile a bit.

One evening after he left the house, picking up a pear on his way out, saying, "all right Mr. Jim," X got into an argument with a young man by the name of Arthur Brown. When X removed the gun from his pocket, Arthur Brown ran around a car, and X shot him. The first bullet likely entered one of Arthur's legs, bluntly ripping his flesh, and tearing through muscle, tendons, arteries, and veins, maybe chipping some bone too. Six bullets were fired in less time than it took for X to pick up his pear in this kitchen and walk out this front door. Three more bullets were fired into Arthur Brown's legs, but it was the first bullet shot into his neck that had blood pooling blackly in the street on top of the spilt oil of so many Chevys. The second bullet in Arthur Brown's neck was put there because X knew he was supposed to go for the head, but in my mind I'm imagining him too polite, and well mannered, and at this point, even realizing its too late for that, regretful, so he puts another bullet in Arthur Brown's neck. X kill a man.

Arthur's obit is in this morning's paper; they put in a real nice picture; he got a good smile.
- jimlouis 4-28-2000 4:34 pm [link] [add a comment]

The Cross 2
It may have been Big Arthur come looking, marching up and down Dumaine yesterday, asking "who know where it is 'lil Arthur got shot?" Now this was only ten or twelve hours after the shooting took place and six-year-old Erica Lewis, just visiting the neighborhood, offered--not quite within hearing distance of Big Arthur--"I know, it was 'roun that corner." Shelton Jackson, standing nearby, said, "shut your mouth, Erica."

I was reading the Metro section this morning while Shelton, Lance, and Hunter took baths and put on their new easter outfits. I had just started the article about the two shootings, was reading about the 18-year-old girl shot for her bicycle (Evelyn just stopped by, said there's more to that story), by some men in a Dodge truck with extended cab and tinted windows, over around 1900 N. Johnson, and Shelton walked by seeing the obits on the back page and said, "they got all the pictures in there?"

I assumed he was referring to the shooting that everyone was hinting at yesterday, which was likely the second shooting in the article I was reading, so I said, "no, that picture will come out later," and added, "hey did you hear about that girl who got killed for her bicycle?" He asked where and I told him, Seventh Ward, seven blocks on the other side of Esplanade. He offered a general lament for the sad state of things, which did not exactly fit him, and sounded somewhat scripted.

"They got the story 'bout Arthur in there?" Shelton asked, and I looked down the column, seeing Arthur Brown, 22, shot in the 2600 block of St. Philip (one block over from here). "He tried to jack a dude for his crack and the dude chased him down and unloaded his clip." And I read, and translate, "shot two times in the neck, four times in his legs." And I think if he emptied his clip then it was half empty (full?) to begin with, or, in fact, his weapon was a revolver. Either way, Arthur Brown is dead.

Shelton said, "he jacked Mike outa his money a while back."

"Michael?"

"No, not that Mike, and not Big Mike, another Mike."

"So he wasn't really a friend to anyone around here?"

"No, I wouldn't say he was," Shelton said.
- jimlouis 4-24-2000 7:02 pm [link] [2 comments]

The Cross
Its Easter and I'm up early, having heard the rain ping against my air conditioner. There is no newspaper on the porch, so I look around. My efforts as the Barbara Bush of Dumaine have never really amounted to much: trash is strewn far and wide; everday like Mardi Gras. I'm trying to start the day in a productive manner and this is all I know how to do that lets me feel I'm not just wasting my space on the planet. However, the egocentric investment does not always pay the best dividend. What to do?

Kids are out of school for Easter break and along with Shelton, Lance and Hunter have been spending the night here for the last three nights. Today is a big day. Everyone will have new outfits, new Nikes, new hairdos. The ghetto will vibrate with pride.

When those three get up and leave the house, there is a brief pause before the doorbell rings and the house begins to fill up with others. Yesterday Glynn, Jacque, Marqin, Erica, Ritcia, Shadrica, Kizzy, Heather, Julia, KaKa, Eddie Green, and a few others I can't put names to were in and out (in mostly) all day.

Jermaine mentioned it on the porch, and later I heard Heather talking about it on the phone--another friend got shot this weekend.

I did a little work at Rocheblave but am still distracted by the weight of planetary alignments, and cannot string together an overwhelmingly producitve day.

Around six I called my mom, told her what she probably already knew--that Mandy and I are splitting up--but did not in so many words (or any at all) say that its hard to believe seven years have passed since the death of my father.

At 9:45 last night I announced that I would like to have my fifteen minutes of peace and quiet, so whatever has to happen for me to get that, needs to happen now.
- jimlouis 4-23-2000 11:57 am [link] [add a comment]

Crazy White Renovator
One thing about doing a gut renovation in your spare time is that it taxes your energy and patience levels to such an extent that you often fly off the handle and utter weird, or even mean shit to people who normally would not be victims of your wrath.

A couple of weeks ago I was sweeping the kitchen floor over at Rocheblave (it was a day during which I felt great ambivalence about the fate of nesting pigeons) and I observed through the broken glass panes of the back door--which is in the kitchen--a man lurking directly below me. The house is pier and beam and sits three cinder blocks high. And this man is fiddling with the screen door which I have wedged so tight it can't be open, and the door itself is nailed or painted shut, so I'm feeling almost mirthful standing off to the side watching this man's attempts which will end in failure.

Now the side door and front door of this house do not exist (as well as any steps up to them), so they have been replaced with plywood sheets which I screw (with cordless screw gun) on and off as needed. I have the bottom panel of plywood--there are three stacked panels--off the side entrance and when I see the man head that way I too head that way, leaving the kitchen and entering the hallway. The man does not even hesitate before making his initial leap into the house (even for the most athletic it is a two step process) and before he can follow through with the motion which will have us sharing the same space, I jump, so to speak, all over his shit.

"No uh uh, this shit gotta stop, no more visitors, the house is closed, you have just met the new owner and he is an asshole."

"I heard noises over here so I came to check it out," he responded.

That response did stop me for a minute, causing me to make a more careful inspection of this man: Medium height, medium brown skin, bright (blue/grey) eyes, fiftyish, some facial hair with slight greying, overall a good looking man, but the clothes and shoes register on the homeless meter, and so I start up again.

"Well the noises you heard are me working in here, and I'm going to be living here, and I'm not looking to make any new friends, and if you're the one who was living here before and are responsible for the fire then I'm especially not happy to see you..."

"Naw uh uh," he interupted me, "this house too wide open for me, I stay back there," pointing towards the not very well boarded up Iberville dance hall. And then he further disarms me by introducing himself and offering up (as he is still standing below me, outside the house) his hand. "My name is Joseph, but they call me Pigman."

I shake his hand and offer that I don't have any problem with his general existence but that any intrusion of this property will not be smiled upon. He shakes my hand again as if to say, "that's not too much to ask you uptight whiteboy," and we part company.

There are a couple of churches nearby that offer help to the downtrodden, so there is in the area a pretty fair population of needy, on top of the general population which in many cases wishes not to be classified as such. Also, Rocheblave is somewhat of a highway for scrap collectors, being that it carries not a great deal of automobile traffic and is the most direct path to the recycling plant a few blocks away, closer to the Lafitte projects. Which is to say I'm meeting a lot of transients pushing grocery carts full of treasure and therefore am carefully cultivating my reputation as "that crazy white boy," not a hard thing for a white man to sell to a black man, as our history shows us not always on best behavior.

On another day I was sweeping the cracked pavement of my driveway when a fellow walked right up to me and apoligized for not being better prepared as he tried to hold the sixteen ounce Red Dog in his armpit while seaching for the prop in his wallet. The beer on his breath was ripe and implied that the one under his arm was not his first of the day, even as this was only eight in the morning. He then produced a handwritten list with a heading that was some young girl's name and various signatures with dollar amounts by them. He told me how this young girl was his niece and she had recently been shot dead and the family had no insurance so could I help. A great con. If indeed it is a con. But how can one be sure? I act as if I have no money but would like to contribute if he could give me more information. I ask about the MacDonalds where she worked, because KaKa used to work there and maybe she knew the dead girl. A good con artist does not give up easily and will dance to the steps of his mark. But this mark tires easily and after I make an especially dimwitted response the man touches me on the shoulder, and says, "you don't seem to understand, this girl dead." And his touch and words inject me with more truth than I can bare and his con has become transparent before me and I am immediately furious, going through a transformation like the Hulk, only I'm still rail thin afterwards. And I call him a motherfucker and a bunch of other things and suggest rather harshly that he not bring anymore stupid bullshit by me, and in response to his apology I tell him its too late for that, get the hell away from me. I was relating this incident to my new neighbor, Charles, somewhat of a hustler himself, and he said, "Aw man, that's an old hustle. He should'na tried to run that around here."

All that being said, Rocheblave is a considerably more relaxed neighborhood compared to Dumaine, at least before I got there.
- jimlouis 4-21-2000 11:27 pm [link] [add a comment]

The Slim Dandy Renovation
This doesn't have to be a metaphor, it could simply be the way things are. On the other hand it does make a dandy metaphor: the pigeon poop inside my new kitchen. I know pigeons ain't nothing but rats with wings but in the wake of recent local teenage killings, and the disappearance of one of our inside cats, and at the same time the disappearance of the newborn outside kittens (great-great grandchildren of Point Blank) from the Point Blank clan, I just could not kick that pregnant pigeon out of her nest above one of my still glassless kitchen windows. I either am a heartless bastard or, for sure, on occasion can be a heartless bastard, but I did not have what it took to do that deed. I feel like I'm being punked by the PETA people, or am suffering from an ingrown conscience, or am paying the balloon on my Karmic debts for shooting those moles with Jeff Franzen's BB gun out near Lake O' the Pines in East Texas thirty years ago. I've avoided the kitchen for weeks now, instead working on the outside, breaking out the old broken glass window panes so the neighborhood kids won't be so tempted to vandalize (which has me thinking again of my own childhood and yet more Karmic debt). And I have been scraping the windows down to their cypress beginning, all as part of preliminary efforts in what will be the replacing and reglazing of 112 panes of glass. So yesterday I'm outside on a small scaffold working on the miniature double set of windows above what will be the kitchen sink, and I can see across the kitchen to the other window, above which, on the now exposed framing header, sits the nest. And the grown pigeon is in her nest acting in a way that I will only describe as "unladylike." But soon she leaves the nest unattended, which from my recent observations is an unheard of thing because previously she would only leave after another pigeon (the male?) came to take her place (to sit on the egg, I guess). The settng sun is working against my vision but after some correctional squinting I can see that in the nest is indeed a newborn. A glorious thing, this new birth, but also, I wish I were a geek (or more of one) so I could go in there and bite its little head off. But it's not going to happen that way so I'm left pondering how many days now till this young bird will leave the nest? And who's going to clean up that cumulative pile of poop on the floor?
- jimlouis 4-21-2000 11:40 am [link] [add a comment]

Pre-Postal
People, all of us, we don't know why we feel the weight of it but we do, like a ton of bricks, or a washing machine balanced on your chin, the pain of it, the endurance. For the record: I believe in the death penalty. By my way of thinking the only problem with the death penalty is that we don't use it enough. Those people in the toll tag lane who know goddamn well their tag is expired, or who don't have it affixed to their windshields and idiotically wave the tag in front of the sensor and are therefore wasting those precious few seconds of my time, under my regime would die, in fact instantly. It could be done. My brother and I figured out the way to do it years ago, over twenty I think. Death ray devices installed atop every light pole in the world. Be smart or die could be a motto. This month the lunatic menstruators [sic] of the world are joined by a far greater number, and some of us know who we are. Asked to comment on the full moon this month, he replied, "it was very heavy." And the planets are lining up as they should and everyone, please, just take a number.
- jimlouis 4-20-2000 9:53 pm [link] [add a comment]

Rudyard Rap10.7.97
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you... Every month or so Shelton checks in with me on the issue of whether or not he will be spending the night in this house. Originally, months and months ago, my answer was no. As time passes my answers have changed somewhat--"Hell no, Gosh I don't think so, Nope, Not gonna happen, Probably not, and, No indeed." If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowances for their doubting too... I thought we had resolved the issue when Shelton traded all potential overnight privileges for the opportunity to shave with an old fashioned razor (without blade) this past summer. I reminded him of this the other night when he brought up the subject of an overnight visit. "To be honest Shelton, I couldn't believe it when you traded so cheaply," I said. If you can wait and not be tired by waiting... Often over the months I have thought that if Shelton could memorize this poem that I had to memorize when I was thirteen, I would let him stay over for a night. But the poem was not readily available at the branch library so I kinda forgot about it. I asked Mandy the other day if she'd had any luck finding it on the Internet and she said she downloaded the poem about six months ago. Or being lied about, don't deal in lies... So I gave the printout to Shelton last night and he sat on the porch with Mandy, and after studying the poem for a few moments, he began crying, and wadded up the paper and threw it on the sidewalk. Mandy tried to coach him some and Shelton said he hated her. Or being hated, don't give way to hating... Tonight, he and Mandy are back on the porch, the poem wrinkled and soft as tissue paper. Shelton runs in here every few minutes while I write this and recites two or three lines at a time. On his third visit he asks for a bowl of cereal. "Sure, go ahead," I say. But don't look too good, nor talk too wise... "You're gonna get it Shelton."
- jimlouis 4-15-2000 7:46 pm [link] [add a comment]

Erica's Barricade8.24.97
Last night I found myself alone on the porch with three-year-old Erica Lewis. She cuddled up to me and said, "Ga-ga-go get me a puzzle Mr. Jim." "You want a puzzle to play with by yourself while I sit out here next to you but don't actually have to help you?" She looks at me like I'm a damn fool and says, "Get me a puzzle." "Which one do you want?," I say. "Ma-ma-Mickey Mouse." So I go in and get the puzzle. Erica is not sure this is the particular Mickey Mouse puzzle she had in mind but it will have to do her expression tells me, and then she begins breaking up the 12 or 13 interlocking pieces and spreading them out on the porch. Between August 95 and, December, when we actually moved in, I would come over here after work and spend a few hours a night renovating the front half of this house. Mandy would join me on the weekends. We had nothing covering the front bay windows and were able to appreciate about a 140 degree view of the street. Three boys, probably Glynn, Fermin, and Shelton, and one toddler, definitely Erica, are playing in the parking lot behind Jack's store. The game they are playing is smash 'em up derby and they are using the bottom half of a grocery cart for a vehicle. Erica is sitting comfortably and confidently in this vehicle and is being given instructions by one of the boys. Erica would be just shy of her second birthday. I will not be able to describe this accurately but the intensity of her eye contact with this older boy as she listened to his instructions struck me as something from another world. This tiny little girl has the bearing of a full grown woman with years of worldly experience. A manner almost flirtatious and calculating. I was very much glued to the set (as we have come to think of these front windows), for the few minutes it took to witness this episode. I guess what I'm trying to say about this child Erica is that even when you witness something you have never seen before, there is always a tiny thread of something familiar. But in the case of two-year-old Erica Lewis I can honestly say I have never seen anything even remotely similar to the visions I was having of her on this day. The boy who was giving Erica instructions now gets behind the cart and begins to push her full speed towards a barricade of boxes, and milk crates, and scrap lumber stacked precariously high. At the point of impact the boy pushing the cart ducks his head and turns his body to the side in a defensive posture. Erica, on the other hand, is looking straight ahead, chin up, and as the debris cascades down around her, and the boys are jumping up and down, laughing, and high fiving, Erica cocks her head a few degrees to the right, smiling at, and challenging with her bemused eyes, these goofy ten and eleven-year-old uncles who can't build no better barricade than that. "I knew you could do that by yourself Erica, on account of, you're so smart, and pretty too, I don't mind saying." "Ge-ge-get me another one Mr. Jim."
- jimlouis 4-14-2000 8:27 pm [link] [add a comment]

Slapping The Bayou8.10.97
Harold Armour's restaurant/bar/grocery store over on LaHarpe in the Seventh Ward burned down last night. The establishment was 90 years old and was known by its original owners' name--Mule's (Mulay's). Harold and his brother co-owned it with members of that prodigious Ngyuen clan. Things are sleepy and quiet on Dumaine. Temperatures are a little down but the air is too still and wet. Some of the boys are playing football in the street. Sharon stabbed Greg today. The Saints are playing the Chiefs tonight in the Superdome. I'll probably listen some on the radio. I've been staying inside lately, pondering, stagnating, "resting." Reading a couple decent books--Richard Russo's latest, Straight Man, and some good detective fiction by a Boston writer named Robert Parker. Mr. Dave, from around the corner on Dorgenois, died Wednesday, deserves something of an extended obit but I will have to confer with Jim Wolff, who sold the house next door to Yolanda. I'm going outside to see what happens. Sunday: ( I never did go outside last night. There was no place to sit what with all those kids and coloring books). Got up around 6:30 this morning, went to look for paper but it wasn't here yet. Came in, took a bath, made coffee and toast, loaded up the one hitter, and drove down to the Bayou, parking on Moss, just down from the corner of 3300 Dumaine. I sit at the first set of steps, the Dumaine bridge to my left and that church with the copper dome in the distance to my right. Early Sunday mornings are so fine in New Orleans: so quiet the sound of repentance. My coffee is good but I burnt the toast. I light a cigarette and bow my head in prayer. That fisherman two hundred yards away might be jealous of my trained fish, who glitter at sunrise, high above the water, before reaching the arc's pinnacle, where they lay flat and to the right (as per training), and come down slapping the water in high fashion. God, I love those fish. Joggers, bikers, and dog walkers are making their appearances. More cautious than curious, they seem to carry with them an inherent understanding of the folly of running yourself healthy in a place so casual about killing. Reiterated too often in the news is that discouraging reality that no place in New Orleans is completely safe. I set fire to the little morsel of weed in my pipe and suck it dry. A little dab will do me. I have to hold the smoke in my lungs longer than I like out of respect for that pedestrian who sneaked up behind me. By the time I do exhale, very little smoke leaves my mouth. I guess I got all of that one. I am completely alone on the Bayou when the church bells start clanging what soon becomes a brief melody. Just when I think I might be able to hum along, the notes begin breaking down, slow and easy, until the disintegration completes itself with a single wavering note. Silence. Its 8:30 when I get back to 2600 and there are five boys waiting in front of the house, ready to clean the street, in exchange for a day trip. Only four of them will fit in the Festiva. So the four boys and I leave out of here, with Michael crying in the rear view mirror. A white family let the boys play with their nerf football. When I went to return it prior to our departure, the man said--"well you're very welcome, it looks like they're having a lot of fun." I'm not sure, but I don't think he is referring to the part where they were holding each other's heads under water, yelling, "stay down bitch, stay down."
- jimlouis 4-13-2000 11:06 pm [link] [add a comment]

One Eyed Earl7.22.97
When the chips are down and you're making a perfectly fine mess of your life--roll with it baby. Mandy and I adopted a dead kitten the other day. I see Chris X (6) walking this way and gripping a little black and white stuffed animal about the midsection. Chris is twirling this thing nonchalantly like a baton. The white parts are smudged gray with street grime and the head is tilted at a funny angle. "Oh look," I say as he gets closer, "Chris has a kitten he's going to kill today." Mandy looks over and shakes her head. Frankly, we are all scared of Yolanda X, this being a woman who told Mandy to stay the fuck out of it if her kids got run over in the street; a woman who has men running out of her house leaving trails of blood, so the idea of intervening to save this kitten's life is not all that attractive. Three-year-old Justin who can spout "muhfuggin' niggah" with the best of his full grown contemporaries, appears out of nowhere (probably from under a car) and says, "Gimme cat, gimme cat." Chris gives it to him and Justin grabs it with all the care of a future serial killer. "Wanna see cat Jim?" My answer, of course, is no, but why even voice this to a three-year-old. He goes against his mother's wishes and enters--The Property of the White People. He puts the kitten in my lap but I won't touch it. It's greasy and it's hair is unevenly matted down in places, perhaps indicating wounds. The kitten's eyes appear to be sewn shut, with puss swelling the lids to unnatural proportions, and scabs dotting the rest of its tiny face. He seems to weigh a few ounces shy of nothing. I'm thinking a ball peen hammer might be the most humane solution here. But instead I just say, "Go on Justin," and he does, taking the kitten with him. I'm not proud of anything I do here so going inside to keep myself from having to watch this kitten be tortured to death is just one more thing not to be proud of. When metaphors start stepping from the shadows and emerging as full blown realities; when the Grim Reaper becomes a three year old child with the mouth of a sailor, this is when I run and hide--pulling the covers over my head and praying for the morning light. Actually I run off to Taco Bell with Shelton. Mandy, however, is no punk ass bitch, and so after Shelton and I returned from the Bayou (St. John), where Shelton talked about being a movie actor and, I, ate my tacos, Mandy informs me that upon entering the house I will find a kitten in a box which she will be taking care of until it dies, which should be anytime. "That's fine," somehow doesn't sound quite appropriate but that's what I say anyway. So now this piece of a metaphor is living in our house and I have started calling it Earl. It seems that after I ran off with Shelton, Justin began throwing the kitten down onto the sidewalk, repeatedly. Mandy screamed at him to stop and eleven-year-old Eric came to her aid, taking the kitten from Justin and giving it to Mandy. Eric explained to the bawling boy that he had given up his right to own an animal and that it now belonged to Miss Amanda. The next day Mandy saw Justin on the street and he ask her if he could have his kitten back. Mandy explained to him that the kitten was very sick and would probably die. Justin responded, "can I have him back after he dead?" Mandy has been draining puss and swabbing the kitten with peroxide and betadine. I'm trying to be useful, getting some water down its throat with an eyedropper. On the third day, Earl arose from the dead, ate ravenously, drank some water, and played with a ball. I laid on the floor and let him sleep on my stomach. He purrs and raps his tiny paw around my index finger for minutes at a time. Today I come home from work and am careful not to look real close at Earl, who is reading a book with Mandy on the bed. I am a little nauseous from the heat and the garbage truck I had to follow up Dorgenois for a couple of blocks. Mandy says Earl's eye is getting worse. I can't look. I have to take a bath first. After my bath, Mandy asks me if I will look after Earl while she makes a late lunch. So I lay on the floor and place Earl between my legs to give this sightless kitty a sense of boundary. It takes him awhile but he finds his way to my crotch, up over my stomach, and then to my neck where he starts digging his claws into my neck, looking for that nipple that ain't never going to be there. I take a quick look at his left eye and will not describe what I saw. I propose to Mandy that maybe we should give Dr. Mike a call and get his opinion about all this. Mandy calls and talks to an assistant who says to bring Earl right over. If they have to put him to sleep, they won't charge. We drive over to Rampart and the assistant says it might be possible to save the one eye, but the left one would obviously have to come out. He quotes an estimate which is an exact match to the one I have in my head and I tell him to go ahead and see if he can save Earl. Earl died over at Dr. Mike's last night. He didn't want to be no one eyed kitty--see ya on the next one Earl, and don't be late. He got to purr a bit. Not everyone is so lucky. The stories are backing up too fast. They're breeding.
- jimlouis 4-12-2000 3:52 pm [link] [add a comment]

The Big C7.19.97
I wonder what C is thinking out there standing hunkered over my little car parked in front the house? He is postured in such a way--with his elephant sized forearms resting on the roof, his head tilted and drooping like a buddah on the nod--that I find myself imagining him to be knocking at epiphany's window. Of course, he could also be urinating in my gas tank. To that extent you resist the local way, you give up a good bit of what is in the offering. At 370 pounds of raw black fat, a nose wider than it is long, and 26-year- old eyes wanting to pop out his skull, C does not at first glance inspire the nurturing instinct. Nonetheless, I have resisted efforts (mostly P and M 's) to have his presence on this block banned. Good Lord, can you really do that? Ban someone or something because they are displeasing to you? I guess the answer is yes because they a lot of punk ass motherfuckers don't hang here no more. C pushes crack on the street and no question that is a bad thing, but he does what he does well and I have to respect that in place with so many shiftless pretenders roaming 'round. I believe the real reason C stays around here is the same reason there are so many children around here: because Mama D ain't dead or in jail. A person has to belong somewhere and this as close as C gonna get. He pays his dues with respect and a few dollars to Mama D's pocket. And that buys him a few hours inside Mama D's during the heat of the day and the cold of the night. Aside from the manner in which he makes his living, Corey behaves better than most people on this street. One night there was a knock at the door and when I went to see who it was, nobody was there. And then I saw movement down below and to my right. "Hey C ," I said, and he answered, "Sign fell down," and handed up to me the big metal Neighborhood Watch sign that was poorly nailed to the telephone pole in front of our house. "Thank you C." "All right Mr. Jim," he nods, bashful as a little boy. When Phillis says she finds C "disgusting," she is implying that to refer to his lifestyle but I suspect it is his physical appearance that most bothers her because she seems none too disgusted by any of the good looking dealers I have seen her flirting with. And one night on the front porch, Shelton, in the midst of an anxiety attack, confided to M that he had not the highest hopes for his future. He said--"I'll probably end up just like C." And whereas M thinks that is a bad thing, I do not.
- jimlouis 4-11-2000 5:35 pm [link] [add a comment]

Clifford Lewis5.18.97
This is the first one, second one actually, but due to various catastrophic crashes no one seems to have the first one, except me, as hard copy, and anyway its full of small errors, but for me does have one crucial line which I would appreciate being taken somewhat seriously---"As it would be far too tedious to change all the names of people I will be mentioning I must insist that you read all further missives as fiction. None of these people exist and none of this is happening." ) Clifford Lewis, a twenty-year-old young man raised by Mama D goes by the name Kojak and while shirtless sports the pucker of bullet wounds across his stomach and back, wounds inflicted during his fifteenth year. More of a ladies man than a street hustling drug dealer, Kojak follows the flow of current events and avoids conflict to the best of his ability. Sometimes seen on the block holding his newborn son, Kojak will smoke that blunt, and rap a few modern lyrics, but mostly stays on the border of any serious business dealings in the area. The mother of the baby boy Clifford, aka., Peanut, is in jail on a charge unrelated to shooting through the front door of Kojak's ex-girlfriend across the street here about six months ago. For a man of his age in this environment, Kojak has been plenty respectful of the two white people at 2646. On one occasion at the Magnolia convenience store across the street Mandy found herself laughing at the sexual advances one young gangster was making towards a young girl, and while the young man was inclined towards getting in Mandy's face over this small humiliation, Kojak, with some theatrics, dissuaded the other young man from pursuing his actions. So Mandy likes him and perhaps Kojak appreciates (and is yearnful of, himself) the time Mandy spends with his younger blood relations on the street. Just a week ago Mandy had put out on the front porch some coloring books and crayons for the younger children to play with and when she came out a bit later she found Kojak proudly displaying his colored picture and asking Mandy her opinion of its worth compared to his sister, LuLu's. LuLu is a fourteen-year-old honor student.
- jimlouis 4-10-2000 11:45 pm [link] [add a comment]

Going Home
Even though I ( in yet another of my freakish screaming fits) kicked Shelton out of the house for the night, I saved him the obituary; its sitting over there on the bed. "When they come out, usually a few days after?" Shelton had asked. "Yeah," I had said. "I went to school (Phillis Wheatley Elementary) with both them boys, Mr. Jim." "Yeah?" "Yeah, the one that got killed, his name was..." Charles DaVince "Hubba Bubba" Mabon died Sunday of a gunshot wound in the 1700 block of Lafitte Street. He was 14. "And that other boy got shot, I knew him too." (The boys were in a group of four youths walking home shortly before 1 a.m. in the 1700 block of Lafitte Street (near Roman) when the gunman approached. After robbing the juveniles, the robber shot two of them, in their heads, without provocation, police said.) In other local news ( 12-year-old Troy "MIcey" Harvey, who was living in an abandoned Algiers apartment building with his 13-year-old brother, was shot in the neck by police Thursday after he allegedly leaped out of the closet he was hiding in and lunged for the officer's gun). Both of the Harvey boys have arrest records, a dead father, and a mother addicted to crack. And without TV in their abandoned apartment, and probable sub-standard reading abilities, surely neither of them were fully aware of the tribulations of Elian Gonzalez.
- jimlouis 4-09-2000 9:44 am [link] [add a comment]

DONL 6
Its not like you have to love all black people because they are black. It's not like you have to extend special treatment to a black person who is behaving in a way that irks you. Irks you. In fact you may fantasize about an imminent demise of such a person, regardless of shade. I do. The SuperBowl was a good one this year. McNair's final efforts were inspiration personified. That they were efforts which amounted to a loss matters little. That they occurred only minutes after I had in genuine anger called a man a punk ass bitch, and suggested he suck my dick matters maybe only to me. Phillis invited me across the street to her SuperBowl Party. It would be the first gathering of certain family members since the death of Mama D, and Phillis's subseqent draconian methodology executing the lack of a will. Evelyn was there. And Nettie, and BaBa, and Yacqui showed up. Glynn and KaKa and Shelton were there. And others, but probably not enough were there to appreciate the spread that Phillis had layed out. There is never a shortage of food or drink at the gatherings of Phillis. Also at the gathering was Joe Nixon, oldest living son of Mama D. Cro-Magnum in both appearance and style, Joe and I have been at odds since the beginning, but after Mama D's death he upped the stakes by spreading rumors that there was something perverse about the relationship between Mandy and Shelton. The rumor was ignored by everyone, but the motive behind it was not ignored by me. He had officially waged war. I had a couple of years before narrowly missed pulverizing the fingers on his left hand while he sat on the porch making what I deemed inappropriate comments. I had given a verbal warning followed almost immediately with an overhand hammer-in-hand direct miss-by-an-inch of his splayed fingers. He seemed to understand at that moment that I would play only so much. But like I said, the SuperBowl party was a first reuniting of members of the D clan who perhaps had been on opposite sides of several issues. Basically it was Phillis and Joe on one side, everybody else on the other. So it could have been a good opportunity to resolve some bad feelings. But Joe, who is not liked by many people often finds antagonism his only mode of meaningful communication. Otherwise, given our druthers, most of us would just ignore him. Evelyn would have liked to ignore him, sleeping off as she was, the contraindicated results of medications mixed with alcohol, but Joe felt a need to get under her skin, felt the need to see his sister explode. He had previously been trying to fuck with me but I was feeling pretty good, it was halftime, and there did not appear to be all that much on TV I was missing by the verbal sparring he was forcing on me. He was trying to make a point he has tried to make before--that Mandy and I aren't through with each other and therefore he is a direct challenge to me because it upsets me when he (crudely) hits on her. He was this time trying his case before Judge Yacqui, who at the time was only a few days out of jail. For my closing arguments I said, "Joe, I've told you this before, if you weren't as ugly and stupid as you are, and Mandy had even a little bit of interest in you, and you acted with some class while hitting on her, even in front of me, it would be ok. But Mandy is a friend, and if I ever hear you come on to her again in that low class disrespectful way of yours, I will rip off your fuckin' head and shit down your neck." I knew I was being immature, but I could not help it. Yacqui scored in favor of me. Joe went off to fuck with the sleeping Eveyln, and eventually succeeded in pissing her off. The third quarter began and I got a fresh budweiser and shot of whiskey. At some point Joe came back, armed with the innuendo of fact--Mandy and Jim don't sleep together, what must that mean? That's when I stood up in front of Joe's seated self, worked my zipper up and down in front of his face, called him a punk ass bitch, and suggested he suck my dick. Phillis was standing right next to me when I did this. I had lost it. I knew it, she knew it, and the evening was ending as so many of these gatherings ended, with someone making a complete ass of themselves. I never dreamed I would get to be the one, but life is full of surprises, yeah? Joe and I went outside shortly after my insult and acted like there was going to be a fight. No one else came outside though which is a fair reflection of the type of fight card Joe and I amount to. Phillis did eventually come out and "break us up," and I came back inside apologizing profusely to whoever would listen. Joe was sent away. I apologized some more and said I should go. Yacqui and Nettie said don't be silly, have another drink, finish watching the game. So I did. Great game.
- jimlouis 4-08-2000 11:06 am [link] [add a comment]

DONL 5
I was taking a little nap early Friday evening when I was awakened by the shadow and heat of Erica Lewis, who was in the flesh standing alongside my bed. "Hi Erica," I said, bonking her cool forehead with the open palm of my all purpose "be-healed" healing power. Six-year-old Erica was living across the street prior to the death last September of Mama D. She was then shipped off, along with her fifteen-year-old Uncle Shelton, to South Central LA for awhile to live with her Aunt Stephanie. And then Erica and Shelton were brought back, Shelton to live with Mandy and (for the short term) I, and Erica was captured by the stable but slightly scary, Aunt Gwynn. And then I didn't see her for a long while, during which period her birth mom, Tesa, came back from her visit in California (following the arrest of her and Shelton's father, who was hiding in the Compton area to avoid a New Orleans arrest warrant). Tesa is very likeable and intelligent, but perhaps the definition of unstable. Still, she recaptured Erica, and now they live on Claiborne with Ba(y) Ba(y) and Glynn's (out of jail) mom, Nettie, and (out of jail) Aunt Yacqui, who used to spend nights smoking crack in the 55 Chevy pickup parked in front of this house four years ago. With Erica it was love at first sight but somewhere in the middle of that last paragraph's reality there came an emotion that won't situate itself on the charts. It is a mixture of admiration, fear for her future, and a resigned but respectful hatred of those who would besmirch her race, her culture, her being. Timmy has begun trimming the next house we will do at English Turn and since he is by himself he will come to the job we are all on and eat lunch with us. He starts with, " When times got hard last year I had to do a little job in New Orleans, installing some cabinets, over on Roman, I don't know which projects I was near..." "The Lafitte," I said. "That's where Mama D came from." And did not add that frequent guests in this house, Jacque Lewis, and sisters Antoinette, Tiesha, and Roshona Lewis still live in the Lafitte. "Yeah, I think it was those. Anyway, the fuckin' niggers, I mean none of them have jobs, so they sleep late, you wouldn't see them in the morning, but the afternoon and those porch monkeys would be out in numbers. Even in the morning when I couldn't see them I would only unload the tools I could carry, then lock the truck, carry them up, come back, unlock the truck, get some more tools, lock the truck, and so on." Apparently, Timmy feels the need to distance himself from the accusation made by his mother earlier in the week, that he and his wife arguing and fighting like they do, "are no better than niggers." And I think he's doing a really super job.
- jimlouis 4-06-2000 10:01 pm [link] [add a comment]

DONL 4
My "preferred electrician," Carl, came to the job at English Turn yesterday. We're still working on the outside of the house which sits across the bay (that's Bonita Bay, man-made pond), from the home of Slim and Baby Williams of (rap label) Cash Money Productions. At the end of last year one of the brothers bought the other a $335,000 Bentley Azure for his birthday, and at the party they proceeded to dance on the hood, and likewise at last month's birthday party for the brother who didn't get the Bentley, `the latest Ferrari was presented as a gift (with a measly $150,000 price tag), and the dancing brother did his signature soft shoe on the hood. Anyway, Carl, like many of my well-meaning co-workers, wishes I didn't live with the coloreds like I do and yesterday expressed the sentiment thusly: "why don't you move out of that colored neighborhood and come live among the decent people of Harrahan." Carl lives in Harrahan, a New Orleans suburb that is not only white, but has quietly (David Duke never lived there) been able to sustain itself as a Louisiana "Pleasantville" type of community since the beginning of time. Only none of the frames ever go technicolor. Carl's boss Steve, younger by twenty-five years, and although apparently not all that fond of the darker race either, at least has some higher education which allows me the freedom of bombast, and the dropping of the occasional malapropism. "Did you here that, Steve? What was that he just did? Wasn't that one of those oxymoronical paradoxes, 'the decent people of Harrahan,' my ass. You people are going to burn in your self-created hell for your hateful ways." Carl said, "Good, 'long as there ain't no niggers." "So Carl, will you come wire my house for me?" "I'm not going to have the time." "Next." And that's how I go about the hiring process to get the highest quality sub-contractors to help me with the renovation of my new blighted ghetto property.
- jimlouis 4-05-2000 10:39 pm [link] [add a comment]

DONL 3
When I pulled up in front of Dumaine after ripping out the old galvanized plumbing pipes under and inside the Rocheblave house, I saw Van across the street washing Royalston's (Mama D's former companion) truck. I was negotiating my truck around the sink hole by the curb and Van was motioning me to park across the street behind Royalston's truck so he could wash mine afterwards. He does me for five bucks which is half the going rate. I'm not really looking for a wash so I just wave at him and exit the vehicle.

He pauses from his work to cross over and talk to me--touch bases as it were--about the Rocheblave job, what did I do today, and will I be needing his help tomorrow. I tell him I'm just piddling around over there, and that I'm hoping to run into Carl--my preferred electrician--on the job in the next few days so I can convince him to wire the house, but before that get me hooked up with temporary electricity so I can get some power tools running, rip out and replace a couple of floors, replace a rafter and a joist or two, do a little bracing here and there, replace the roof, and get whatever I need to get done before begging my preferred plumber to find the time to do my plumbing rough in for one bath, a kitchen, a washer/dryer hookup, and a gas water heater. Van's cool with that but he's really bored over here on Dumaine and needs something constructive to do so please let him know when I need some more help. I told him I would, and gave him an ice cold Budweiser from my cooler, and then I see--and he sees me--(from) across the street, coming from The Magnolia, HP.

"Oh Lord, and he saw me give you that beer."

Van looked over, chuckled, and said, "Don't let him fool you today, Slim, he got that money."

"Okay Van." Van crossed back to finish washing Royalston's truck as HP stumbled up to the curb and greeted me,

"Hey buddy."

"Hello HP."

"Have a beer for me, buddy?"

"No, not for you."

"Why you do me like that, Jim?"

"I need twenty-five dollars, I know you have it, I want it, I want it now."

HP reached into his pocket and brought out a quarter and showed it to me on the platter of his cracked black palm. White whiskers sprouted haphazardly on his chin and cheeks. He was wearing wrap around sun glasses, and a mis-matching blue work uniform from a career gone by, or the thrift store."This is all I have. Let me get that beer."

He was not offering me the quarter.

I took from my cooler another ice cold Budweiser, and gave it to HP.

"I seen you working on that house over by the Schwegmann's" (Schwegmann's was a local grocery chain that went bankrupt. The new store owners operate under the name of Robert's Market Fare, or something, but no one in the neighborhood will ever call it that).

"So you saw me working over there, HP, and you just kept on moving, huh?"

"You over there in that colored neighborhood, buddy."

"Coloreds, where coloreds?"

"Let me get a dollar big spender, so's I can get a cigar 'cross the street."

"I'm your sugar daddy now?"

"All right, you crazy white boy."

Ah, the race card, we have always left that one out of the deck for these games.

"Oh so now it's about skin color, yeah HP?"

"Don't make me get the rope, little buddy."

"Why are you always talking about getting that rope, HP? You gonna hang me?"

"Hog tie you, hog tie you to that fence."

"Then what?"

"You don't wanna know. Crazy white boy." And then it's as if he had never realized how liberating it felt to call a crazy white boy a "crazy white boy" because he says it a couple of more times, but loud enough for most of the block to hear. Van is washing and laughing now, and I'm acting hurt, and getting ready to pretend hurtful.

"So that's what its all about then, huh HP? Always about the color, you old crusty colored coot, you. You, you negro."

"Okay that's it, I'm getting the rope."

"Good."

"Let me get another beer, Jim. This one's almost empty."

I look down into the top of his beer and there is barely a sip gone.

"That one's still full. Why is it you're not happy until you tap the white boy. You're not my friend, you just see me as someone to take advantage of. And I gotta tell you, that really hurts me."

"That's not true, buddy. Let me get a dollar."
- jimlouis 4-05-2000 12:52 pm [link] [add a comment]

Crossing Roads
BB (I call him double B and he calls me double J) once told me it would be ok if I used the word "nigger" conversationally. I don't know if that was an official ruling handed down by higher ups in the hood or if he was just saying it would be ok with him. I told him even with official permission there were too many reasons why I probably wouldn't be comfortable with the term and so "thank you my nigger, but I believe I will be niggardly with my use of the word 'nigger.'" Still, there a bunch of niggers hangin' on my porch today, not a one of 'em can say they never been to jail: drug dealers, murderers, armed robbers among the bunch, and what with the infusion of white people in the area for Jazzfest, dealing is up and the whole scene has become too ordinary, boring even, so I feel the need to challenge myself to new heights of scary which has me in the car heading off to Veterans Blvd. in Metairie. If you think crossing Delancey is a challenge just try Veterans someday; its the area's widest corridor of retail hell. Need something? Shoes, cars, clothes, computers, tires, oil change, books, a cappuccino or latte', a smoothie, vitamins, bicycles, lawn or garden equipment, sporting goods, or any damn household product you could possibly name, can be found somewhere along the several mile stretch of Veterans Blvd. In triplicate. Hey, are you hungry? Same story. All the food that's fit to eat and some that ain't but still sells because its cheap. Which brings me to this: I am a warrior for new experience. Or more truthfully--I am a coward who likes to challenge himself. Or, I'm just too easily bored and will cautiously try anything to beat the affliction. And it's too late to turn back without making a scene. I am part of a queue, singular only in number. Like everyone else here at the Pancho's all you can eat buffet I came to get more than my money's worth, which, if we may all be clued in to the obvious, is next to impossible. One can only eat so much cornmeal. So why all the hype, where's the danger? I can only give you the coordinates and suggest you look and see for yourself. The Pancho's on Veterans Blvd. in Metairie, Louisiana is as good an excuse for using drugs as I can find. In fact, the mundane surreality of this place demands that one be drugged so that there be an excuse for all the damning imagery of humanity that presents itself at your every glance. A good writer would give the details, but alas, I am a hack, and a coward, and cannot deliver those goods. I'll go back though because its a well run outfit, no question about that, and I like how the food is the same as it was twenty-five years ago when I frequented the Pancho's in Dallas. And also, because these middle class white trash warriors who scare me plenty represent a part of who I am, a bigger part than I would like to admit, and it is always a mistake to turn away from these truths when you find them. Now, getting back to this "nigger" thing. Besides being a coward, I'm not very bright, and therefore found myself back at that pitiful little strip of beach in Waveland, Mississippi. Shelton, Glynn, Fermin, and Lance have been yearning for the water now that the weather is threatening to be permanently hot and I just refuse to listen to the nagging inside me which says--"do not continue these trips to the beach in Waveland, Mississippi where, in three years time, you have never seen another black person, but have in fact had your charges singled out with the salutation--"hey you niggers." Today, crossing the road to the beach, three of the four boys walked in front of the wrong car (they truly should have been paying better attention to the traffic) and earned this--"you little niggers better watch where you go." I was still waiting to cross with Lance and I just stood there until I realized a truck was stopped and waiting for us to proceed. The first three boys were walking backwards to the beach, facing me, there expressions were all the same question mark. When we met I had for them no good news, no consolation. "We're a good distance from Dumaine fellas, and ya'll need to respect all the possibilities along this stretch of road." I sat on the beach and watched them travel through the shallow water until they were just little black specks a quarter of a mile away, indistinguishable from each other, and from the two white boys they had met on the way out. A family to my right was set up on that line where beach meets water. The chubby teenage daughter was taunting her step daddy, Art, whom she called "Fart," by pointing first to one bikini cup, and then the other, saying, "I don't guess you'll be having anymore cigarettes, and I don't guess you'll be needin' your beeper neither, and no fair touchin'." Art was sitting in the water drinking bottled beer and smoking a cigarette. Art's over weight wife was much younger than he and had two rather large tattoos, one on each shoulder blade. Of the three remaining children, two were young girls who were not yet showing any signs that generations of inbreeding was a problem to overcome. The youngest boy was a poster child for "don't talk baby talk to your children or they'll grow up talking like adults who talk like babies." Fermin, no doubt tired of the verbal abuse from his cousins, came closer to shore and tried to interest me in water sport. But I'm not interested in the salt water or all that sand truth be told, and am just trying to be a good sport until its time to go home, which will be soon. Fermin wanders out fifty yards or so. Art is yucking it up to his kids, "hey, look at that one, stayed out in the sun a little too long, turned him black." I am just trying to be a good sport until its time to go home, which will be soon.
- jimlouis 4-05-2000 9:13 am [link] [add a comment]

DONL 2
Last year I wrote to some of you about an event at the Superdome known as the SuperFair, which is a big carnival with rides inside the Dome. It is another predominantly black attended event at the Superdome which some of my co-workers think would be a great event to bomb, kill the coloreds. What I wrote about last year was a drive-by shooting outside the Dome one of the nights after the fair. Whoever did that shooting is still at large, but the shooting that was done in retaliation has eight or nine people facing charges. Four are facing first degree murder charges which carries a possible death penalty. The idea that night after the first shooting was to go into enemy territory--presumably the neighborhood of the first shooter--and then "kill anyone we see." That "anyone" turned out to be a kid named Tim, and he was called Big Tim because he was big for his age, that age being twelve-years-old. But he looked older to the multiple car loads of searching 18-20 year olds, and the fact that he was limping from a sprained ankle did not enter into the equation for these teenagers with a vendetta. Up Cambronne in Pigeontown Big Tim walked until he saw a group of boys with obvious ill intent exit a vehicle, and then he started running, as best he could. The boys ran after him, shooting as they went. Two car loads of boys trailed after in the street. The boys in this trailing group copped pleas, turned states evidence and will average five year sentences. The boys chasing Tim eventually caught him because one of the bullets entered his spine and caused him to fall down. And this is how it goes here: after Tim fell down from an obvious bullet wound, these boys did not freak out and jump in their cars to flee. These four boys stood over Tim's large dying twelve-year-old body and fired more bullets into the flesh of his torso, and into his head. I don't know anything about this kid, Tim. Maybe he wasn't an innocent, but twelve-year-old's should not end this way. I have driven around this small town extensively during my searches for property and I know the streets and neighborhoods pretty well. When a murder happens here I can often picture almost exactly where it happened, and these memories have become a plotted map inside my head. And there are days when the math comes to bear down on me and everywhere I go I see bloodstains on the sidewalks. My first two years here the city recorded a total of almost eight hundred murders. For a per capita comparison to a city the size of NY I multiply by twenty and get sixteen thousand. And I have to some degree integrated myself into this predominately black New Orleans community and I know many of the children and I know some of the murderers, and as frustrating as it can get here with people constantly dropping trash in the streets, and disrespecting each other, and cussing, and killing, I still cannot arrive at a place where I can understand this all encompassing hatred that is felt by so many of the area whites, or the blinding fear and intolerance which rules so many of the little minds 'round here. I have become kind of numb to "n" word, and try not to let offenders get under my skin. But the cumulative effect still wears me down in the end and there are times when my white friends say "nigger" and I just smile the smile of system shut down, tap my foot as eulogy to the boy(s) with no father(s), the boy no one hugged, who received no compliments ever, and never a special treatment, but did one day gain a notoriety, bleeding out, on a street corner.
- jimlouis 4-04-2000 1:48 pm [link] [2 comments]

DONL 1
I bought my school bus yellow 85 Dodge pickup with Cadillac spoke hubcaps and a homemade plywoood bedcover from a trim carpenter named Timmy. Timmy is having marital problems which somehow have become so out of hand that his whole family has come to witness numerous fights between Timmy and wife, and some of these fights have occurred in front of their two children. Timmy's mom found this last bit so upsetting that she mailed him a letter which very uncharacteristically had her espousing the rather base opinion that by fighting like they do at so many family gatherings, and in front of their children, "they are no better than niggers." As insults go among the average white Louisianan, this was a doozy. For it to come from a mother to a son is almost unthinkable. Timmy once said to me that the annual college football game between Grambling and Southern would be a good time to put a bomb in the Superdome because "you could kill so many fuckin' niggers." That pretty much expresses a prevailing sentiment among white people in Louisiana. No, not all white people feel that way here, but more than you would like to believe. Many, many more than you would like to believe. Or so I presume (what you would like to believe). I used to explain to my likeable yet so completely casual rascist white co-workers that white and black people in Louisiana to the casual observer that I am, have more in common culturally than any white/black population I have ever been around. "You eat the same foods, you are influenced by each other's music, and the way whites around here talk sounds more black than white much of time," I would antagonize. "You say 'ax' for 'ask', you say 'zink' for 'sink', you say 'I'm going to make groceries,' whereas the rest of the white world is saying 'I'm going grocery shopping.'" That the two races have been "mixing" around here for three hundred years is a most beautifully obvious thing and yet vehemently denied on individual basis's. And coming home from an average summer work day to be met by a front porch full of neighborhood youth, some gangsters, and maybe a parent or two, all black skinned, playing dominoes, or card games like pity pat, or tonk, and the only thing more frustrating than hearing them refer to each other as "nigger" is the absolutely ridiculous refrain of "don't say that, Mr. Jim (or Miss Amanda) don't like you using that word up here." I suspect I hear the word "nigger" coming from black mouths more than white. I don't know what that means, but I've heard it used as an excuse many times: "Shit, they call themselves that, why can't we?" At some point I just stopped answering, out loud.
- jimlouis 4-04-2000 1:47 pm [link] [add a comment]