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Alligator In Chain
My boss's wife thought my vehicle parked in front of their house was a car bomb, or something.
Me and him were carpooling in his truck over swamp at six-thirty this morning on the elevated I-55 towards Ponchatoula. His cell phone rang just as he plugged it into the cigarette lighter. He said "shit," then, "what," and then, "Jim's." He didn't say anything else so I assumed he had hung up. I was looking at swamp, engrossed inside the blankness of my morning-head, but I knew who had called him, and who Jim was, so I wasn't totally checked out.
I knew that later, on the way home, he would imagine how feasible it would be to discard of a body in the swamp, and that I would offer my opinions on the subject. That's the kind of thing swamp makes you think about; we're not bad guys either one of us.
As we approached his brother's five acre tract he pointed to a cool little ramshackle house set back deep in the piney woods, maybe a hundred yards from the road, and told me about some guys who got caught cooking metha-amphetamines in the woods between their house and the brother's house. I looked at the woods and thought that makes perfect sense.
On the brother's property is a free standing garage which has been converted into a really nice guest house, inside of which we drank a little coffee, talked about the merits of space heaters versus central heating, and eventually left out of on our way to a housepainter's workday in Hammond, Louisiana. This was a good bit more of a distance from my Mid-City New Orleans home than I usually like to travel for work but the country's economy is in a shambles, the chief executive officer, a loser. I'm taking what I can get. And mostly because I find myself totally wasting any free time I receive, not because I am personally in economic dire straits, yet.
We followed the brother through downtown Ponchatoula on our way to Hammond. I have been through there several times but stopped at a light I was stumped as to the purpose of that chain-link enclosure on the corner, right in the middle of town. "What's with that?" I asked my boss. He said, "that's where they keep the alligator, I think the big one died though." I'm not bragging but I get depressed really easily. I had to talk myself up, exhorting me to cheer up, it's just a fucking alligator or two, keep it real, focus on the larger perspective. Focusing on the larger perspective was a mistake, very gloomy indeed, so I double clutched, hoping for the best, and ended up back inside the blankness of my morning-head. We're going back that direction tomorrow, but we'll be bypassing downtown Ponchatoula.
Let's Party
It seems to defeat the purpose of leaving work early on a rainy day if you are only going to end up in bumper to bumper traffic on the I-10 into New Orleans. Bummer, bummer, bummer, poor me, poor me. Who else could be the center of the universe besides me? At the 610 split I can go either way, exiting St. Bernard if I take the left split or Superdome/Claiborne if I take the right split. I vered right. I took the wrong split.
At the S-curve by the railroad trestle bridge I panicked that maybe it's flooding again under the bridge. On a highway built through reclaimed swamp who was in charge of dipping the road down several feet to accommodate a railroad overpass? Several times in my ten years here, usually during hurricane evacuations, that dip has flooded, holding four to six feet of water, trapping both incoming and outgoing traffic.
Heading down into it I'm sure that's the problem--that under the trestle is holding water, and my little car sits way low in the front and I'm going to hit deep water and stall out. All the SUV driving SOBs are smiling.
There's no deep water though, its only a single car crash-up blocking the left lane just beyond the dip. We all pass by, checking for blood, and sigh deeply in appreciation of the fact that our luck is holding. It's lunchtime on a rainy day, cops'll be awhile, hang in there buddy.
I watched on TV last night back to back NOVAs on PBS. The first NOVA was on dirty bombs and the second was on chemical warfare in the terrorist age. I'm not going to waste a single breath blaming either this first world country or the former Soviet Republic for the amount of man-made chemical agents that exist around the globe for the sole purpose of bringing debilitating misery and slow agonizing death into a world already full of it. I am however going to stare at the blinking cursor for as long as it takes to think of something positive...
Let's party.
The Sheriff And Gay Elvis
I parked on St. Philip by the park. Getting out of the car I shook the hand of a stranger with paper money pinned to his shirt and wished him happy birthday. In Congo Square I immediately bought ten dollars worth of the blue tickets and reversed myself to the beer tent. The beers looked really small for some reason so I bought two and quickly drained one. I carried my sipping beer back to a perimeter bench and began gazing at the crowd. Sitting on the bench next to me were two pug dogs in prison outfits and a Chihuahua with the perfectly proportioned accessories of a little gun in a shoulder holster and a miniature sheriffs badge and handcuffs. I began smiling of and on until I settled on a bemused grin with ocassional toothy puncuations. The latter were usually inspired whenever I glanced over at the Chihuahua. It was the annual Barkus pre-parade gala in Armstrong Park on a perfect clear warm sunny day in February. There was a campy gay Elvis MC for the doggy fashion show and he provided some decent laughs but I didn't wanna press my luck with too much fun so I only hung long enough to drink another beer and eat a quarter muffaletta and then I zigg-zagged out to St. Philip. I politely told the guy on my shoulder who was now my best chum that I was in a bit of a hurry, although I wasn't, and that I really appreciated him checking on my needs but there was nothing he had that I wanted. And this despite or because of the fact that I really did not understand one word of his jargon, although I got the gist of it. I had something inside my jacket pocket that wasn't lint and I just gave it to the guy quickly, smiling. He was beside himself with gratitude and wished God's blessing on me and with no irony I did the same for him and then as I was opening my car door and he was half way back to his buddies he yelled out I love you man, and I just had to pause and think before responding to that. In the end I said nothing, giving the guy an anemic Toyota beep from my thousand dollar car as I drove up St. Philip towards Rampart
Midday Liv-ing
I haven't been filling up my days as usefully as I could. Choices, always so many choices. Today I had set my sights on a 3pm televised college basketball game between Big 12 rivals Oklahoma and Kansas. Huge game and the first Network televising that lets New Orleanians cheer on its two homeboys, starting Oklahoma guards Hollis Price and Quannas White, who were teammates at St. Augustine High School. Browsing through my non-existent day planner I was seeing no impediment to my watching of this game today except for that one very real impediment--the game is actually tomorrow, Sunday, at 3pm.
Okay, so now I really got some time on my hands. Hmm, Irene Sage tonite at Le Bon Temps on Magazine. She who inspires romantic thinking...an issue I'll have to come to grips with eventually. Ten p.m. Hmm, that's a ways off. Boy oh boy how large is this day?
Parades over on St. Charles but winds are gusting at 40 mph, that's enough to blow me on my ass. The first night's parades got rained out last night, are being made up Monday night. The last weekend (next weekend) is the most intense parade going. I was almost psyching myself up for the a week from Monday Orpheus parade, which is a Harry Connick Jr, and Co. startup--in '93--and has grown in ten years to be one of the best, and my personal favorite, because one year I caught a string of beads from his wife, and if you're to get into Mardi Gras parades at all you have to suspend your jaded aloofness and become inspired by that brief eye contact and the connection made by way of a pretty smile and a cheap string of plastic beads. Or that same year wearing the same lucky NY Mets baseball cap a guy keyed on the cap and waved me away from the crowd and I ended up behind everybody, running along the sidewalk as the float moved down Canal, and the guy waited till I was open and threw me a nice toss, a whole bag of beads. But I don't do a lot of that running lately. Anyway, the letdown to this story is that this year's Orpheus grand marshalls, Steve Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, have backed out and are being replaced by Travis Tritt. Now maybe I do or maybe I don't have to tell you what a letdown that is because my most vivid fantasy for next Monday was that daughter Liv Tyler would be in town, on float, or just being seen around, and I'd get a little juice from that. She really is perfect for the float riding quasi-royalty I down below am your loyal subject fantasy. But alas, not to be.
So where am I? Basketball game not until tomorrow. Liv Tyler just vanished.
I'm at midday, staring out...at nothing. Hmm.
Bayonets And Books
Laura Bush is in New Orleans today trying to instill a little umph factor into a program that will attempt to bring 125 accredited teachers into the most troubled schools in New Orleans, which is the most troubled public school system in the state of Louisiana. Louisiana as a whole educates its public school students almost as bad as it can be done. On a national scale the 60,000 or so public school students in Orleans Parish are getting the worst of the worst. So I applaud Laura Bush and I certainly do not hold her husband against her. I mean he is a perfect example of the danger of a poorly educated soul wandering around without a sense of anger management. Here each year the kids born into this educational wasteland kill each other at a rate of about 200 a year (over the last thirty years), with an occasional spike like the 420 murdered in '94 and the 360 murdered the year after that. Numbers that will seem small and inconsequential if our questionably elected leader is allowed to carry out his plan for controlling the oil fields of the Middle East. A thing he proposes to do for the security of this great country and ostensibly for the betterment of the country(ies) we will be blowing up. I think we are too far from home. I think Laura has the right idea. I think we should bring our toys and warriors back home and into our inner cities. We could deploy troops around our worst schools, battleships in our gulfs and lakes, and we could use our nifty pin-point accurate missles to blow up entire prison populations. It could be called Operation Learn or Die. I'm just brainstorming here. Navy Seals sitting in the back rows of junior and senior high schools, cleaning their fingernails with their bayonets, challenging the challenged, "if there are forty pounds of plastic explosive in a crate and I've got seven crates, how many total pounds of explosive do I have!?" I'm really not trying to save Iraqi babies, I would just like to see someone in power try to save our own. There is in this single small USA town a thirty year pile of young ill-educated murdered bodies 6,000 large. If it is violence our war cabinet craves, it is here. If it is domination of evil regimes, that is here too. I would like to see a sum like the 37 billion dollars we have spent thus far "liberating" Afghanistan given to Laura Bush and her ilk, and let them give it a go. That's what I'd like to see. I am implying that a serious attempt to educate our least educated would pay dividends a thousand fold. That's what I believe.
The Breaks
I'm just laying around reading this old Richard Price novel, The Breaks, and I pause like you do when you read a great writer and think about things the writer makes you think about. It may not be anything the writer actually said that makes you think, it may just be the mood the writer creates that helps you get somewhere you really had no intention of going when you reclined on your couch, propped up by pillows, you lazy bastard.
Since I got the TV this pause time created by great writers, or even mediocre writers, it doesn't matter and let's not be snobbish, would occasionally lead me not to deep contemplation but to the exact opposite, that is--watching TV.
In the past I have written things here that were inspired by stressful times and I think people may occasionally think this boy needs help, but no, thank you so much anyway, the writing pretty much helps me all I need to be helped in order not to be a detriment to society.
However, last night I found myself in deep doo-doo and I yearned for outside help. I wanted to cry out--help me, help me, help me, but my voice doesn't carry so well and so who's gonna hear it? what's the use? I am referring to the fact that I was for two hours flipping back and forth between two two hour TV specials detailing the somewhat remarkably bizarre world of Michael Jackson. I was convinced that somehow I was being drugged into submission by the Networks, who themselves had been drugged into submission by George W. Bush, I mean Lucifer, no, I don't know what I mean. I was witless. I was non-plussed. And some other things.
It is not like I eschew all things mindless. Mindless activities are good for the soul. But the Jackson story is superficially disturbing, disturbing. I don't need to watch TV to get that. No one can say for sure that I am exaggerating when I say we may be on the brink of nuclear war. I think that is disturbing, and not superficially. So in these times, when I want to be disturbed, I can simply think about current events. I do not need to think about Michael Jackson and the regrettable cirmcumstances of his life.
Thursday night (2/20) on Public TV is an advertised show I am actually looking forward to. It is a taped jazz concert featuring the entire Marsalis family which occurred here in New Orleans several months or almost a year ago. The ticket prices were way out of my league and as far as I can tell the concert sold out before the tickets even went on sale. I don't know that it will play that well on TV (I don't know if you will get how great is the youngest and shyest one, Jason on drums) but no matter, it will be the best thing going. The problem is, there is ANOTHER two hour Michael Jackson special airing Thursday night. I am weak. I have already learned this. I may need help. I may call out to you.
Thank You Mr. Byrd
By US Senator Robert Byrd
D-West Virginia
Senate Floor Speech
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
To contemplate war is to think about the most horrible of human experiences. On this February day, as this nation stands at the brink of battle, every American on some level must be contemplating the horrors of war.
Yet, this Chamber is, for the most part, silent -- ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing.
We stand passively mute in the United States Senate, paralyzed by our own uncertainty, seemingly stunned by the sheer turmoil of events. Only on the editorial pages of our newspapers is there much substantive discussion of the prudence or imprudence of engaging in this particular war.
And this is no small conflagration we contemplate. This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world.
This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of preemption -- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future -- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self defense. It appears to be in contravention of international law and the UN Charter. And it is being tested at a time of world-wide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our -- or some other nation's -- hit list. High level Administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq. What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of
many nations so closely together? There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances, and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation. Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion, and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once solid alliance against global terrorism which existed after September 11.
Here at home, people are warned of imminent terrorist attacks with little guidance as to when or where such attacks might occur. Family members are being called to active military duty, with no idea of the duration of their stay or what horrors they may face. Communities are being left with less
than adequate police and fire protection. Other essential services are also short-staffed. The mood of the nation is grim. The economy is stumbling. Fuel prices are rising and may soon spike higher.
This Administration, now in power for a little over two years, must be judged on its record. I believe that that record is dismal.
In that scant two years, this Administration has squandered a large projected surplus of some $5.6 trillion over the next decade and taken us to projected deficits as far as the eye can see. This Administration's domestic policy has put many of our states in dire financial condition, under funding
scores of essential programs for our people. This Administration has fostered policies which have slowed economic growth. This Administration has ignored urgent matters such as the crisis in health care for our elderly.
This Administration has been slow to provide adequate funding for homeland security. This Administration has been reluctant to better protect our long and porous borders.
In foreign policy, this Administration has failed to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, just yesterday we heard from him again marshaling his forces and urging them to kill. This Administration has split traditional alliances, possibly crippling, for all time, International order-keeping entities like
the United Nations and NATO. This Administration has called into question the traditional worldwide perception of the United States as well-intentioned, peacekeeper. This Administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling, and name calling of the sort that reflects quite poorly on the intelligence and sensitivity of our leaders,
and which will have consequences for years to come.
Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant -- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone. We need the cooperation and friendship of our time-honored allies as well as the newer found friends whom we can attract with our wealth. Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland which severely damages our economy. Our military manpower is already stretched thin and we will need the augmenting support
of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on.
The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region. We have not found bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land.
Pakistan as well is at risk of destabilizing forces. This Administration has not finished the first war against terrorism and yet it is eager to embark on another conflict with perils much greater than those in Afghanistan. Is our attention span that short? Have we not learned that after winning the war one must always secure the peace?
And yet we hear little about the aftermath of war in Iraq. In the absence of plans, speculation abroad is rife. Will we seize Iraq's oil fields, becoming an occupying power which controls the price and supply of that nation's oil for the foreseeable future? To whom do we propose to hand the reigns of
power after Saddam Hussein?
Will our war inflame the Muslim world resulting in devastating attacks on Israel? Will Israel retaliate with its own nuclear arsenal? Will the Jordanian and Saudi Arabian governments be toppled by radicals, bolstered by Iran which has much closer ties to terrorism than Iraq?
Could a disruption of the world's oil supply lead to a world-wide recession? Has our senselessly bellicose language and our callous disregard of the interests and opinions of other nations increased the global race to join the nuclear club and made proliferation an even more lucrative practice for nations which need the income?
In only the space of two short years this reckless and arrogant Administration has initiated policies which may reap disastrous consequences for years.
One can understand the anger and shock of any President after the savage attacks of September 11. One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly
impossible to exact retribution.
But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any Administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet. Frankly many of the pronouncements made by this Administration are outrageous. There is no other word.
Yet this chamber is hauntingly silent. On what is possibly the eve of horrific infliction of death and destruction on the population of the nation of Iraq -- a population, I might add, of which over 50% is under age 15 -- this chamber is silent. On what is possibly only days before we send thousands of our own citizens to face unimagined horrors of chemical and
biological warfare -- this chamber is silent. On the eve of what could possibly be a vicious terrorist attack in retaliation for our attack on Iraq, it is business as usual in the United States Senate.
We are truly "sleepwalking through history." In my heart of hearts I pray that this great nation and its good and trusting citizens are not in for a rudest of awakenings.
To engage in war is always to pick a wild card. And war must always be a last resort, not a first choice. I truly must question the judgment of any President who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50% children is "in the highest moral traditions of our country". This war is not necessary at this time. Pressure appears to be having a good result in Iraq. Our mistake was to put ourselves in a corner so quickly. Our challenge is to now find a graceful way out of a box of our own making. Perhaps there is still a way if we allow more time.
Seventh Ward Gargoyles 7.26.99
Sitting there in another movie (thirteenth floor) which suggests man is nothing more than electric impulses created not by an all-wonderful god but rather by another computer genius, who himself has been created by a computer genius; the trick being not to let any of the inhabitants of your simulated worlds find out they are all plugged in, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am a moron.
Driving on Esplanade toward City Park with Hunter in the front seat, Michael, Shelton, and Lance in the back seat, and I make a right turn roll through the red light at Broad, thinking, for just that fraction of a second, that I may be able to make a most challenging U-turn, and in doing so make it to Lake Placid (not NY) by 12:30, but I see the big-headed white woman in the left lane barrelling down Broad in her Dodge Ram, so I pull harder to the right, keeping myself inside the confines of the right lane, posing no threat whatsoever to the old grey-headed black man crawling along in the right lane of Broad in his '69 Chevy, and although I can really sense that I have caused the big-headed white woman to have that exhilarating sinking-right-down-to-your-sphincter feeling, for me, and I dare say, for everyone else, including the police cruiser right on the big-headed woman's tail, this was a very ordinary traffic maneuver for this vicinity, crossing as we were, the line separating the sixth and seventh wards of New Orleans.
Committed to the cause of acquiring new bad habits to fill the huge gap left from giving up cigarettes, I have been talking to people at stop lights, and sometimes while moving, if there seems to be an urgency to the message. If you just let them, people will often tell you how they really feel, ie., "mthrfkr, you almost ran into me," that sort of thing, so when I arrived at the next intersection I knew the big-headed white woman in her Dodge Ram would want to discuss that most harrowing experience she just went through, and I wanted to be there for her.
The old man in the Chevy was still behind me, and the cop was still behind the big headed woman. I looked over and up into the cab of her Dodge Ram, took a deep breath, and rolled down my window. Her passenger-side window was coming down at the same time.
"You moron," she said, "you ran that red light." I would say it was more a right on red California roll, but I'm not getting into technicalities in this situation. I responded in a tone of voice that could almost be mistaken for genuine caring, and said, "Did I hit you?" She said, "No, but you almost did." I gave her a smirk and barked, "Almost!!!" What a worthless concept, don't get me started. At the same time she appears to be getting out of her truck, possibly to come over and kick my skinny ass, or possibly to get assistance from the cops (smirk), I looked up and saw the light turn green and pulled away normal as could be, but everyone else just stayed there. When I made the first right turn, into the heart of the Seventh Ward, I looked into my rear view mirror and saw the big-headed lady, and the police cruiser, cruise on by.
At the stop sign at Dorgenois Lance made me turn around and look at him. "Look Mr. Jim, look, while you was talking, I was doing this to her," and he screws up his face into that of a hideous gargoyle and sticks his tongue out. Always travel with backup.
Hootie Hoo, The Confessor 6.24.99
It wasn't like I was reading to her or anything, she was just lounging on the corner of the bed, taking a break from being a Spice Girl Super Model, Dominique was.
Perky look over the left shoulder, perky look over the right shoulder, and proceed across the room with exaggerated hip movement is the way it's done. With Super High Heeled Boots two sizes too large.
It was a lesson learned walking in without knocking, catching Dominque I guess you could say literally in bed with me. Upon entering, Erica locked eyes with me first thing because I can be seen in bed first thing walking into this house. I smiled pitifully as a greeting and Erica responded same.
Its not like I was reading to her though. Because I wasn't. I was reading to myself I'm not ashamed to say. Dominique was just resting; however unfortunate a picture was framed because of this I cannot express from my end. Even though it appears to be just what I'm trying to do.
In related news: you gotta like Peter Norton buying those Salinger love letters; not that I blame Joyce Maynard for selling them; after all she was minding her own eighteen-year-old self ( 27 years ago) when the master seduced her. Of course, he was seduced by her writing. Anyway, no shock to the faithful reader, you could see it coming--For Esme' With Love and Squalor.
Who can figure why people want to be writers, they're such a pitiful lot, so easy to vilify, like personal injury lawyers, and insurance salesmen.
Professional Wrestling is the only laudable career choice for the discriminating seeker. Master P say Hootie Hoo.
As an aside and in closing--although I may refer to you as Brother Paul, and you do indeed receive paycheck from St. Edward the Confessor, your claim to "a ministry" is about as valid as my claim to a "sex life." But let us not let that stop the delusions from taking root.
Finally, consider this. Who is Massive Don?, Sixth Ward, New Orleans, La.
We'll Have No Bananas 6.6.99
There seems to be this temporary lull in the calamity of my budget so when Lance and Shelton asked for ice cream I didn't plead the poverty line but simply made a U-turn into the parking lot of Baskin-Robbins, where a banana split can be had for five dollars.
But I'll be kiss my ass if I'm gonna spend five dollars on a couple of scoops of ice cream and a banana sliced in half long ways. I don't care how far uptown I am. And this, more or less, is what I told Lance when he requested the pricey dessert. I told him he could have the two scoop sundae for three dollars twenty-five cents.
Earlier, at the house, where the three of us men pitifully attempted to plot a course of decisive action, Shelton asked me would I change a five dollar bill into nickels, because that was his preferred denomination for gambling; cards and craps. As luck would have it I had almost exactly five dollars of nickels in my change cup, and I gave him a ziplock bag in which to carry the one hundred nickels. Lance was at the computer playing one of the game demos I had recently downloaded, not the one called Postal which is a top down perspective game in which you control a heavily armed, trench coat wearing, disgruntled employee on a contruction site, and people you shoot bleed, or if merely wounded, pant, very realistically--"I can't...breathe, I can't... breathe."
Miss Liddie, who ran the little store at Rocheblave and Dumaine, and put upon me the curse of children, died awhile back.
A and B 's mom, C, who stabbed cousin D, and then turned herself in to police, has apparently been forgiven, and is out of jail, but frankly, doesn't seem all that happy about it, or anything.
Back at the Baskin-Robbins Shelton has selected a strawberry soda from the cooler and appears to be contemplating payment as he stares at the ziplock baggie full of nickels on the counter, but a youthful, strapping, frattish, young man who seems to be in a hurry assures Shelton he will take care of it. Shelton looks back at me quizzically, uncertain, but with the beginning of a smile, which I finish for him.