September 12, 2005

He comes home late, or should I say early. Five am is early. I ask him where he has been: drinking with one of the cooks from work whose penultimate night of work it has been. It is an unexpected duo, drinking beers until dawn in bad bars and discussing the merits and faults of their workplace. I fall back asleep faintly amused by the idea and dream of sex with the cook. We are in some Nordic place and much younger than either of us currently is, even younger than the cook is now, which is young I presume as everybody has begun, for the first time in my life, to be younger than I am. Part of the appeal of this sex is not just the adolescent tenderness of it, but the fact that the cook in the dream is becoming confused with my first male hero, Tin Tin, that Belgian journalist-detective, master of Snowy the white dog. This resemblance the cook bears to the intrepid Belgian, is something I never tire of noting in my waking life, but in the dream the confusion has a seamless quality that prevents me from knowing who I am really with.

In spite of the element of anonymity that the encounter entails as a result of this confusion, it also feels deeply personal. Management has been sleeping with the kitchen. I appear at work the next morning flushed, embarrassed by my night of gallivanting with my beautifully drawn co-worker. I can’t quite look him in the eye, can even summon a blush. It seems I have more to do with the cook on this, his last day, than usual, as the chef is away and the cook is now second in command as a result of the relentless hierarchy of the kitchen. Broken phone in his station, menu changes. I notice one of his front teeth is cracked diagonally, patched with a bad cap. Bicycle accident I would guess.

After service we all go next door to drink. The cook is pursuing one of the pretty young hostesses as handsome young cooks will. He is tender and brave. I know where her heart lies, dependent on some rough, Wagnerian type with an unreliable eye. The cook is rubbing her shoulders as he stands behind her in the garden of the bar, lifting his hands under her hair at the nape of her neck. She can only think of the logistics required to meet the one who will probably, if not break, at least pinch her heart in a cruel and menacing way, twisting a corner of it until her big eyes seem to travel even farther apart on her face. The cook’s tenderness towards the young woman and the memory of the dream, which seems less like a memory and a dream than much of what has happened in the preceding fifteen hours, makes some part of my insides, not quite stomach, not quite heart, leap downwards into my lap. The young woman leaves. I go back inside to the bar and resume talking to my favorite server. We talk about how to live one’s life with grace as one gets older; as one catches, like a repeated and momentary vertical spotted from a high-speed train in a landscape of horizontals, the ever increasingly familiar shadow of failure. This is what he and I always seem to talk about. I think he relishes the conversations as much as I do.

- rachael 9-14-2005 4:28 am




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