drat fink

no joke

i was so close to doing things right for a change and now it all looks like a titanic fuck up. it is making me sick.

im glad, im glad, im glad

of all things i find the glad ads on nyc sanitation vehicles one of the most visually offensive intrusions of advertising. imagine that with a large neon yellow inducement to a oneness with your refuse. its a perfect synergy between product and vehicle, and one would hope a good source of revenue for the city. but it still bothers me. im not sure if its a consequence of sentiment or aesthetic.

mr clean is the man

what moron would ever choose off-white self-adhesive linoleum floor tiles for an uneven paint splattered kitchen?

dave, let me introduce you to the mop and the broom. they will be your guide and companion on this long and arduous journey towards funk-free footfalls. dont let the dirt spewing from that hole in the ceiling or the one under the sink deter you. fear not the ubiquitous mouse or roach droppings on your path or in your pantry. (literally just saw a mouse.) for it must be true that cleaniness brings you closer to god. and while i cant quite make out his glimmering aura in the floor tiles, its pine-fresh shine is heaven sent.

d railed

oh snap, a shout out from james wolc..o...t...t......well now, wait a minute, something seems to be missing.

heart itch

psoriasis: its not just for scratching anymore.

pin the tail on the ass

memo to self: do not yelp "this place smells like shit" at a female however unpleasant you find the aroma of ox-tail soup. unlike their boyfriends and the specters in your mind, they will not find this the least bit amusing.

naut it

someone who would have been better off had he never heard of the stock market recommended xybernaut to me back in the pre-bubble bursting days. i think every stock he suggested was a pump and dump. really, you should have invested in real estate.

not ready to bake nice

sometimes i wish i was stupider so i wouldnt realize what an idiot i can be. (stop nodding. this has nothing to do with you. yes, just desserts is clever.)

penury insurance

i dont have health insurance. two years ago when they bumped me up from $320 to $465 i decided i couldnt afford it. i was just with somebody yesterday when they received news that their $460 was being raised to $575 a month. ouch.

berry nasty

i came very close to spitting on someone again today. i was waiting impatiently at the farmers market in union square to purchase a pint of blueberries. i had my ipod blaring so i was only minutely engaged with reality but even through that filter it was almost impossible not to notice the dithering of the farmista behind the makeshift counter. i had made no effort to get her attention beyond holding my $5 bill out in front of me to signal that i was prepared to pay. i wasnt insisting, i was just trying to make it known that i was ready. she was, at that moment, dealing with another customer who also was purchasing one pint of blueberries but somehow this exchange was taking minutes, not seconds to complete. that my hand was up at all was a result of my expectation that this previous transaction would be expedited with effeciency.

but then for whatever reason the hirsute-lipped farmstress decides to stop struggling with a plastic bag for the other patron and gives me a dollar which would be change for the blueberries that i was trying to purchase but then doesnt take my money. so now i have $6 dollars and the blueberries and im trying to give her the five so i can leave. i dont need no stinking plastic bag or nothing. so i imagine my arm thrusting becomes slightly more insistent, but little more, at which point she decides to go off on me. as i said, i had my ipod blasting so i couldnt even make out what she was saying but the phlegm was rising in the back of my throat eager to dot my non verbal exclamation. instead, i walked away but not before crumpling up my five and tossing it in her general direction.