Cat Drugs
The Cleaning Lady told Bernadette this morning that last week my cat, whose name actually is Virginia, no pseudonyms for the cat, apparently exhibited behavior unbecoming a well bred feline and hissed at her in such fashion as to prevent her passage. I might argue here that it was fear which actually prevented the cleaning lady's passage as the cat itself, however daunting she is in freak out mode, is still just a cat and could be removed as obstruction with a swift kick or most reliably a spritz of water from a spray bottle. This is not in any way meant to remove me as a culpable participant in the raising of a slightly unpredictable ill-behaved little shit of a cat behind whom on arms and faces and ankles of the many there is an etched trail of blood. I've tried drugs of all sorts, LSD and other hallucinogens, opiates a plenty, stimulates whose names I have forgotten, even an occasional antacid but these seem to have little effect on the cat, who remains predictably, understandably, unimpressed with my former drug use. And the man says, if I could walk that way I wouldn't need a doctor.
...more recent posts
New York
The man across the street called out to me, hey you slithering sea creature, you fanny arbuckle modernist prefab poster boy, you casper the friendly ghost wannabe, you high-water pant wearing blowhard, you fabulist, you correspondingly iridescent crack caulker, you sharp shooting snake oil salesman, you dog, you politically correct puke sucker, you horse's ass wipe, you stink bug loving lassie licking dingleberry, you freshwater fisherman, you lead based paint nibbling brain dead hiccuping ne'er-do-well, hey butthead I'm talking to you, you fascist mormon meat eating ignoramus, you islamic christian catnip growing procrastinator, why don't you go jump in a frozen arctic lake or nosedive into a landmass, call me when you get there, don't forget to put a stamp on it you stem cell, you shave cream hoarding hash smoker, you irruptive gabbro-head, you make want to shout, hey you, you...
...at this point I turned around from performing an important task, to spy from what source did come all this potty mouthing, as cab drivers whizzed by in the street, and hardworking earnest good solid people passed along the sidewalks, to see over there a giant black Labrador that never did nobody no harm, attached by leash to a man I recognized as a Long Island resident, the one who holds hostage one of my best friends, the margarita machine, and so I walked over and shook his hand, offering no insults of my own. I wondered and then voiced out loud what brings you to town and he said 11 Madison did, that he would just come into town whenever 11 Madison beckoned, as it did now to honor Yonder Fair Maiden's graduation from one of the windowless uptown institutions. He taunted me, describing how miserable he knew my life without margarita machine must be, and I nodded submissively, I would kid no one pretending otherwise, that life without frozen slushy salty lime flavored tequila was anything but hell, but I pretended in a pitifully transparent fashion that I would get along fine without margarita machine and it was so pitiful, really, that this man of the heretofore expressed ability for pithiness gave in, and jabbed no more at the festering wound that would afflict the soul of any man left slushiless.
The man across the street called out to me, hey you slithering sea creature, you fanny arbuckle modernist prefab poster boy, you casper the friendly ghost wannabe, you high-water pant wearing blowhard, you fabulist, you correspondingly iridescent crack caulker, you sharp shooting snake oil salesman, you dog, you politically correct puke sucker, you horse's ass wipe, you stink bug loving lassie licking dingleberry, you freshwater fisherman, you lead based paint nibbling brain dead hiccuping ne'er-do-well, hey butthead I'm talking to you, you fascist mormon meat eating ignoramus, you islamic christian catnip growing procrastinator, why don't you go jump in a frozen arctic lake or nosedive into a landmass, call me when you get there, don't forget to put a stamp on it you stem cell, you shave cream hoarding hash smoker, you irruptive gabbro-head, you make want to shout, hey you, you...
...at this point I turned around from performing an important task, to spy from what source did come all this potty mouthing, as cab drivers whizzed by in the street, and hardworking earnest good solid people passed along the sidewalks, to see over there a giant black Labrador that never did nobody no harm, attached by leash to a man I recognized as a Long Island resident, the one who holds hostage one of my best friends, the margarita machine, and so I walked over and shook his hand, offering no insults of my own. I wondered and then voiced out loud what brings you to town and he said 11 Madison did, that he would just come into town whenever 11 Madison beckoned, as it did now to honor Yonder Fair Maiden's graduation from one of the windowless uptown institutions. He taunted me, describing how miserable he knew my life without margarita machine must be, and I nodded submissively, I would kid no one pretending otherwise, that life without frozen slushy salty lime flavored tequila was anything but hell, but I pretended in a pitifully transparent fashion that I would get along fine without margarita machine and it was so pitiful, really, that this man of the heretofore expressed ability for pithiness gave in, and jabbed no more at the festering wound that would afflict the soul of any man left slushiless.
Mermaid Parade
Not The Bowl Of Rocks
We are a long way from the Remington typewriter. I must admit this. I have a glass of water nearby.
I can just type and wait for a thought to occur.
It will happen any minute now. Getting ready to happen. I can feel it. Or a nap coming on.
What if I should suddenly need some of this stuff on my desk? My phone may ring, not literally of course because I lost the ringing function long ago. But it may vibrate at least to signal that the battery is dying again. As a reminder that I am wasting 50 dollars a month, you stupid bastard you don't ever use the thing. You could be sponsoring a child in Africa for that kind of money. Ah there's my old Leatherman. I could use that to saw off my leg. Or my arm as the case may be. And yes I do need two remotes, one for the AC and one for the ceiling fan. Watch, I can make the light come on.
French Milled. I do not know what that means but I have two small bars of French Milled Neutrogena soap in individual box wrappers. First thing this morning if you had told me I would put the word box next to the word wrappers I would have called you a crazy person.
A pair of cheap bifocal reading sunglasses I may need if this electronic screen gets to harsh for me. I will try them on now. Not exactly what I was looking for.
The forward arrow on this keyboard advances the music to the next song so that is like a third remote device.
Do not know what that key goes to but am afraid to throw it away. Ditto that red ribbon although I am suspicious of it.
The AC just kicked on by itself because I have the energy saver feature engaged. Yep, that's another remote which I control by the number 77.
Am not including the cat as back scratching remote device because she just too unpredictable and if that is what she were advertised to be I would have returned her to the store by now.
I sat pondering could I get some refried black beans smeared onto Goya tortilla chips topped with jalapeno and Monterrey Jack without actually getting up and the answer was no so those ones next to me now are homemade, physically, by me. Careful though, they are hot, and spicy. To take them out of the oven I used an authentic 1966 hot pad from the Byrne Bros, Inc. over in White Plains, NY on which is advertised the 1966 Chevrolets, including the Chevrolet, the Chevelle, the Chevy II, the Corvair, and the Corvette.
If you thought me saying about those nachos--careful, they are hot and spicy, was my way of offering you one rest assured it was not. I just ate them one after another, all twenty-five of them and they are gone. I may have to get back to you on how I feel about that.
How I know the hot pads are authentic 66 is because the phone number is listed as WH 9-0423.
Is that all the stuff on your desk you may ask. No, I respond. Not by a long shot.
We are a long way from the Remington typewriter. I must admit this. I have a glass of water nearby.
I can just type and wait for a thought to occur.
It will happen any minute now. Getting ready to happen. I can feel it. Or a nap coming on.
What if I should suddenly need some of this stuff on my desk? My phone may ring, not literally of course because I lost the ringing function long ago. But it may vibrate at least to signal that the battery is dying again. As a reminder that I am wasting 50 dollars a month, you stupid bastard you don't ever use the thing. You could be sponsoring a child in Africa for that kind of money. Ah there's my old Leatherman. I could use that to saw off my leg. Or my arm as the case may be. And yes I do need two remotes, one for the AC and one for the ceiling fan. Watch, I can make the light come on.
French Milled. I do not know what that means but I have two small bars of French Milled Neutrogena soap in individual box wrappers. First thing this morning if you had told me I would put the word box next to the word wrappers I would have called you a crazy person.
A pair of cheap bifocal reading sunglasses I may need if this electronic screen gets to harsh for me. I will try them on now. Not exactly what I was looking for.
The forward arrow on this keyboard advances the music to the next song so that is like a third remote device.
Do not know what that key goes to but am afraid to throw it away. Ditto that red ribbon although I am suspicious of it.
The AC just kicked on by itself because I have the energy saver feature engaged. Yep, that's another remote which I control by the number 77.
Am not including the cat as back scratching remote device because she just too unpredictable and if that is what she were advertised to be I would have returned her to the store by now.
I sat pondering could I get some refried black beans smeared onto Goya tortilla chips topped with jalapeno and Monterrey Jack without actually getting up and the answer was no so those ones next to me now are homemade, physically, by me. Careful though, they are hot, and spicy. To take them out of the oven I used an authentic 1966 hot pad from the Byrne Bros, Inc. over in White Plains, NY on which is advertised the 1966 Chevrolets, including the Chevrolet, the Chevelle, the Chevy II, the Corvair, and the Corvette.
If you thought me saying about those nachos--careful, they are hot and spicy, was my way of offering you one rest assured it was not. I just ate them one after another, all twenty-five of them and they are gone. I may have to get back to you on how I feel about that.
How I know the hot pads are authentic 66 is because the phone number is listed as WH 9-0423.
Is that all the stuff on your desk you may ask. No, I respond. Not by a long shot.
Heavy As Carved Whalebone
Shortly after that great day in the history of my most recent personal civil war, which ended with the installation of a gigantic window unit air conditioner (go Confederacy go), but should not in this time line be conflated with that side skirmish occurring only days ago and involving a ceiling fan (oh that Confederacy does love a good beat down), it turned cool here in New York (except for two days, and for those I was in Virginia in unexpected consultation with a Republican Christian Coalition) and the windows got opened up and the remote control put away. There have been nights in this mid June New York that were simply cold.
It is though heating up a little today and while I am not committed to shutting all the windows and will in any case be leaving the apartment soon, still feel it is in my best interest, after all this hullabaloo concerning the installation of an air cooling device, to actually use said device once in awhile.
It has now been on with several windows wide open for the last thirty minutes thereabouts and I'm feeling a little cool behind the collar so I'm going to reach over here for the remote, and turn it down a notch, or two.
Yesterday I was coming back from some important mission and out front the building on the opposite sidewalk stood Jimson and Julia Creed, with their newborn son, Elkhorn Scrimshaw. I was going to call out to them but they appeared to be discussing something important. When they finally saw me it was clear from even across the street that a light bulb was going off, a solution to their dilemma, and they asked me an easy one, would I mind carrying Scrimshaw up the three flights, on my way to five? Jimson was off to some business and this was afterall only a small favor. Of course I would be glad to, and was, and am in general, but that does not prevent me from saying this--that Elkhorn Scrimshaw is one heavy kid. Is it the name weighing him down perhaps? Or is some practical joker putting rocks in his pockets? I came up here to five huffing and puffing a little. Started thinking about an exercise regimen.
Shortly after that great day in the history of my most recent personal civil war, which ended with the installation of a gigantic window unit air conditioner (go Confederacy go), but should not in this time line be conflated with that side skirmish occurring only days ago and involving a ceiling fan (oh that Confederacy does love a good beat down), it turned cool here in New York (except for two days, and for those I was in Virginia in unexpected consultation with a Republican Christian Coalition) and the windows got opened up and the remote control put away. There have been nights in this mid June New York that were simply cold.
It is though heating up a little today and while I am not committed to shutting all the windows and will in any case be leaving the apartment soon, still feel it is in my best interest, after all this hullabaloo concerning the installation of an air cooling device, to actually use said device once in awhile.
It has now been on with several windows wide open for the last thirty minutes thereabouts and I'm feeling a little cool behind the collar so I'm going to reach over here for the remote, and turn it down a notch, or two.
Yesterday I was coming back from some important mission and out front the building on the opposite sidewalk stood Jimson and Julia Creed, with their newborn son, Elkhorn Scrimshaw. I was going to call out to them but they appeared to be discussing something important. When they finally saw me it was clear from even across the street that a light bulb was going off, a solution to their dilemma, and they asked me an easy one, would I mind carrying Scrimshaw up the three flights, on my way to five? Jimson was off to some business and this was afterall only a small favor. Of course I would be glad to, and was, and am in general, but that does not prevent me from saying this--that Elkhorn Scrimshaw is one heavy kid. Is it the name weighing him down perhaps? Or is some practical joker putting rocks in his pockets? I came up here to five huffing and puffing a little. Started thinking about an exercise regimen.
Kit Lambert's Unrealized Exclamation
Kit Lambert was nervous behind the bar. Across the room was a wall of mirrors into which if squinting and fostering that lesser part of his imagination he could see himself twitch and sway and it seemed to him practically every nuanced movement was recorded in those mirrors and sent back to him enlarged and exaggerated.
Twenty people who drank little more than water sat watching two dancers shake frenetically. Later during the question answer comment portion of the evening a moderator asked for comments regarding that shaking part of the dance and he kept his eyes down, seriously contemplating the white bean dip. Opinions were expressed and counter opinions also but no one said anything about marionettes although one fellow said they looked like dancing skeletons, which Kit thought was pretty close to his marionette impression. He was happy being the bartender at moments like this, if not in general. Bartenders are not allowed the unsolicited opinion and other than what can I get ya are best at their job as mutes. Frieda Kahlo is popular and as a subject, much discussed and interpreted. Marionette! Kit should have shouted it out. Isometric Kit thought. Isometric Marionettes. Good one Kit, Kit thought.
Kit was a failed Webelos. Whatever the number of years that passed Kit still looked back to that day he dropped out of the Cub Scout organization, just at the cusp of Webelos, as the beginning of dreams gone unrealized. Oh where might I be now other than here behind this card table if only I had followed through to Webelos, daresay Eagle Scout? The badges that might have adorned me, Kit mused. He was being stared at. Oh sorry, what can I get you, said Kit.
Kit Lambert was nervous behind the bar. Across the room was a wall of mirrors into which if squinting and fostering that lesser part of his imagination he could see himself twitch and sway and it seemed to him practically every nuanced movement was recorded in those mirrors and sent back to him enlarged and exaggerated.
Twenty people who drank little more than water sat watching two dancers shake frenetically. Later during the question answer comment portion of the evening a moderator asked for comments regarding that shaking part of the dance and he kept his eyes down, seriously contemplating the white bean dip. Opinions were expressed and counter opinions also but no one said anything about marionettes although one fellow said they looked like dancing skeletons, which Kit thought was pretty close to his marionette impression. He was happy being the bartender at moments like this, if not in general. Bartenders are not allowed the unsolicited opinion and other than what can I get ya are best at their job as mutes. Frieda Kahlo is popular and as a subject, much discussed and interpreted. Marionette! Kit should have shouted it out. Isometric Kit thought. Isometric Marionettes. Good one Kit, Kit thought.
Kit was a failed Webelos. Whatever the number of years that passed Kit still looked back to that day he dropped out of the Cub Scout organization, just at the cusp of Webelos, as the beginning of dreams gone unrealized. Oh where might I be now other than here behind this card table if only I had followed through to Webelos, daresay Eagle Scout? The badges that might have adorned me, Kit mused. He was being stared at. Oh sorry, what can I get you, said Kit.
Christ The Quandaries
Walking through the hay ticks looking for purchase the sun came slow. The day still cool before the heat the mountains beginning to haze. There would be just enough time to accomplish whatever there was time to accomplish. Rabbits as big as deer hopped across the bordering grass wet with dew. Birds chirped hey its not hot yet, rejoice. Sun coming up the cemetery fence on fire. There is a cement pond to his left, pumps inclined to mechanically engage any minute. After we are gone the gears will freeze. The chirping slows it comes too quick. That's a garden hose not a snake. Telephone messages from the butts of men. Garbled speech clinking glasses. Disinterest. A flock unidentified. Run for the hills, no the hollows. Over and over again. Basking or basting? Tiny flying insects or spots before his eyes. If I could walk that way I wouldn't need a doctor. Sister in San Francisco behind home plate. The pig at the reunion was a big hit but not for the pig. On the cusp of clammy he begins to notice the change. A doe and her fawn wander, wonder why it all tastes so bitter. Arsenic in chicken really? A yellow bird too far away flies. A butterfly waiting for its bush to flower. Hey you rabbits enough already. With a bypass loper he snips a wire and the sound ceases. No more fear. No more crying out. Someone else's future mystery. Seriously, rabbits as big as men are a threat to normalcy. I thought they were as big as deer. No, I never said that he said. If it were a dream he said, I would be asleep. Hunger, what's with that? The mockingbird chased the squirrel. The squirrel danced closer. He had a spoon nearby coated with last night's two-can bean dinner. He would throw it at a squirrel who came closer and that would answer that if the question was why are there no more spoons. But the important questions never get asked. Anyhow, that squirrel knows better and the pressure of a day beginning takes precedence. Why haven't those pumps engaged? Time and space. Christ the quandaries. The inhalation of a bug is the crack of a starting gun.
Walking through the hay ticks looking for purchase the sun came slow. The day still cool before the heat the mountains beginning to haze. There would be just enough time to accomplish whatever there was time to accomplish. Rabbits as big as deer hopped across the bordering grass wet with dew. Birds chirped hey its not hot yet, rejoice. Sun coming up the cemetery fence on fire. There is a cement pond to his left, pumps inclined to mechanically engage any minute. After we are gone the gears will freeze. The chirping slows it comes too quick. That's a garden hose not a snake. Telephone messages from the butts of men. Garbled speech clinking glasses. Disinterest. A flock unidentified. Run for the hills, no the hollows. Over and over again. Basking or basting? Tiny flying insects or spots before his eyes. If I could walk that way I wouldn't need a doctor. Sister in San Francisco behind home plate. The pig at the reunion was a big hit but not for the pig. On the cusp of clammy he begins to notice the change. A doe and her fawn wander, wonder why it all tastes so bitter. Arsenic in chicken really? A yellow bird too far away flies. A butterfly waiting for its bush to flower. Hey you rabbits enough already. With a bypass loper he snips a wire and the sound ceases. No more fear. No more crying out. Someone else's future mystery. Seriously, rabbits as big as men are a threat to normalcy. I thought they were as big as deer. No, I never said that he said. If it were a dream he said, I would be asleep. Hunger, what's with that? The mockingbird chased the squirrel. The squirrel danced closer. He had a spoon nearby coated with last night's two-can bean dinner. He would throw it at a squirrel who came closer and that would answer that if the question was why are there no more spoons. But the important questions never get asked. Anyhow, that squirrel knows better and the pressure of a day beginning takes precedence. Why haven't those pumps engaged? Time and space. Christ the quandaries. The inhalation of a bug is the crack of a starting gun.
The Hardheaded Peoples Concert
The windows are open now and the sky is clear and the air is cool and dry. This in NYC. But two days ago coming back from Brooklyn over the Manhattan Bridge the sky was a thick grey wet smelly wool blanket. You could see the new Gehry residence tower downtown but everything else competed for distinction under the haze. Midtown was almost invisible. People all across the city were singing in sad concert the ballad Straight to Summer from Winter.
Up here on the fifth floor of a Lower East Side tenement building I was after being helped with the lugging of it unwrapping the new purchase. Sweat dripped from my nose onto the cardboard and styrofoam. My wet fingerprints dotted the instruction manual.
Oh we fight about many things Bernadette and I. The sky is blue one of us says, no it's not the boneheaded combatant responds. Fire is hot the other one says, and you've got no clue the comeback king or queen retorts. The fight or I should say endless meandering going nowhere but straight to hell discussion regarding would we or wouldn't we bring in an air conditioner to this fifth floor, southern exposed, heavily windowed apartment has finally ended after almost five years. Nope, there were no winners, just less sweaty losers.
Where's the remote for the AC ? Bernadette asks me. I tell her it's in my pocket. Can I see it? she asks me. Nope. Why not? I'm keeping it. For how long? Five years.
Later tonight I'm going to broach the subject of putting a swimming pool on one half of the roof. Covered. And heated. And a heliport on the other half. And a helicopter of course, with a margarita machine.
The windows are open now and the sky is clear and the air is cool and dry. This in NYC. But two days ago coming back from Brooklyn over the Manhattan Bridge the sky was a thick grey wet smelly wool blanket. You could see the new Gehry residence tower downtown but everything else competed for distinction under the haze. Midtown was almost invisible. People all across the city were singing in sad concert the ballad Straight to Summer from Winter.
Up here on the fifth floor of a Lower East Side tenement building I was after being helped with the lugging of it unwrapping the new purchase. Sweat dripped from my nose onto the cardboard and styrofoam. My wet fingerprints dotted the instruction manual.
Oh we fight about many things Bernadette and I. The sky is blue one of us says, no it's not the boneheaded combatant responds. Fire is hot the other one says, and you've got no clue the comeback king or queen retorts. The fight or I should say endless meandering going nowhere but straight to hell discussion regarding would we or wouldn't we bring in an air conditioner to this fifth floor, southern exposed, heavily windowed apartment has finally ended after almost five years. Nope, there were no winners, just less sweaty losers.
Where's the remote for the AC ? Bernadette asks me. I tell her it's in my pocket. Can I see it? she asks me. Nope. Why not? I'm keeping it. For how long? Five years.
Later tonight I'm going to broach the subject of putting a swimming pool on one half of the roof. Covered. And heated. And a heliport on the other half. And a helicopter of course, with a margarita machine.
The Blank Page
I hear a gentle breeze. If only I could feel it. I can in my mind smell bacon dipped in brown sugar. I can see it in the oven. Too hot for an oven. Turn the oven off. Open the freezer door and stick your head inside. Bat your eyelashes against the ice cube trays. Talk to the cat all seriously now, no baby talk. Would you like me to shave off your fur? Might the mice ostracize you? Decisions are not easy.
A hammer pounding a nail goes crack then echo echo echo. Hunger begins. I drink water pretending it is steak. I am not a vegetarian. I rarely pretend the water is asparagus although I enjoy asparagus. Enjoy may be awkward. The asparagus coated in olive oil and salt sizzles under the broiler next to the bubbling bacon dipped in brown sugar.
A man wants to be careful about sounding experimental.
I hear a gentle breeze. If only I could feel it. I can in my mind smell bacon dipped in brown sugar. I can see it in the oven. Too hot for an oven. Turn the oven off. Open the freezer door and stick your head inside. Bat your eyelashes against the ice cube trays. Talk to the cat all seriously now, no baby talk. Would you like me to shave off your fur? Might the mice ostracize you? Decisions are not easy.
A hammer pounding a nail goes crack then echo echo echo. Hunger begins. I drink water pretending it is steak. I am not a vegetarian. I rarely pretend the water is asparagus although I enjoy asparagus. Enjoy may be awkward. The asparagus coated in olive oil and salt sizzles under the broiler next to the bubbling bacon dipped in brown sugar.
A man wants to be careful about sounding experimental.
Bird
