Takes More Than A Note
My mom asked me to cash a check for her yesterday but sensing the possible difficulity of such a thing I told her I would rather not. She said she liked to have some cash on hand and I said, here, have some of mine. No, no, no, she did not want MY cash.
The check was made out to Tom Thumb grocery so I went over there. They have a bank inside and I went up to the counter with the check, my ID, and the little handwritten note explaining that I was the son of Clifford Louis. The teller gracefully explained how it would be better if the check were just made out to me, and also better success could be expected if I went to the bank the check was written on. But, of course. While I was there in the grocery I picked up nine bananas and some milk as I had been instructed to do, so the mission was not a total failure.
My mom was fit to be tied and said she would give them a piece of her mind the next time she made it over there. I begged her not to, explaining how I might like to start dating this year and did not want to rule out tellers in far away places. With a fair amount of difficulty and questionable patience on my part I explained about making a new check out to me and how I would go over to the bank itself, which is in the same parking lot with the Tom Thumb. Do you know where it is?, my mom asked me, and I said I thought I did. She gave me somewhat detailed instructions anyway.
The teller in the drive-thru gave me a happy electronic welcome and I was happy right back at her and stuck my check and ID in the little clear cannister. When I pushed the send button the cannister shot so rapidly up the clear tube that I flinched a little. I assured myself that anybody watching could have taken the flinch for a nervous tick or some sort of neural disorder and that I could still be considered a cool dude on some plane, somewhere, somehow.
The teller said, James?
Yes?
Do you have an account with us?
No.
You'll need to go inside to cash this.
Ok, I said, unclinching my teeth.
Ever since that Mobil station in Rappahannock changed over to a Shell station, who's mid-grade gasoline causes my engine to ping, I've been avoiding Shell gas altogether and pumping anyone elses high octane, no pings, higher zoomability. I zoomed around the corner, parking less than true parallel to the lines.
Can I help you, the teller asked.
I put the check and my ID on the counter.
Can I get two forms of ID, she asked me.
I flicked her one of my Platinum Cards.
Do you have an account with us?
No.
Would you like to open one?
No thank you.
Could I get a thumb print?
I'm sorry, what?
A thumb print, she said, pointing to the little thumb-sized print pad.
You're kidding?, I said.
She said she wasn't and like a criminal drawn to the booking process I printed my left thumb.
I'm sorry, she smiled, I need your right thumb.
Okeedokey, now we're getting somewhere. I pressed my right thumb onto the clear ink pad and then left my invisible mark on the front of the check.
The teller gave me two crummy-looking twenties and a wrinkled ten.
When I got back over here my mom was still thinking about past failures, I said, let it go, she said, but did you give them that note explaining who you were?
I've been in the electronic banking world so long I didn't realize people had gone and given up their civil liberties with respect to paper transactions. Thumbprints for $50? That's a grotesque invasion of privacy. I would have held on to the check and deposited it in the ATM of my own bank just for the pleasure of telling the teller she was working for a police state. But that's me. I love confrontation, and making minor functionaries miserable.
machine gun moody: you can have my thumbprint when you pry it from my cold dead hand. come an' get me, teller. (rat...tat....tat... tat... tat...)
First they asked for my social security number and I said, fine, what's a number? Then they asked for copies of my tax returns, and I thought, hey the government already sees that stuff, right? Then they asked if they could hold my apartment lease, just for safekeeping. Then they asked if I wouldn't mind having an electronic tattoo on my forearm and I said, hey, that's cool. I don't want anybody to perceive me as "difficult."
minor functionary ? I resemble that remark !
Don't worry, the subcutaneous ID technology currently used for tracking pets will soon simplify all your human transactions.
jimlouis, I think you should go home soon.
It's unanimous. Now, which home?
|
My mom asked me to cash a check for her yesterday but sensing the possible difficulity of such a thing I told her I would rather not. She said she liked to have some cash on hand and I said, here, have some of mine. No, no, no, she did not want MY cash.
The check was made out to Tom Thumb grocery so I went over there. They have a bank inside and I went up to the counter with the check, my ID, and the little handwritten note explaining that I was the son of Clifford Louis. The teller gracefully explained how it would be better if the check were just made out to me, and also better success could be expected if I went to the bank the check was written on. But, of course. While I was there in the grocery I picked up nine bananas and some milk as I had been instructed to do, so the mission was not a total failure.
My mom was fit to be tied and said she would give them a piece of her mind the next time she made it over there. I begged her not to, explaining how I might like to start dating this year and did not want to rule out tellers in far away places. With a fair amount of difficulty and questionable patience on my part I explained about making a new check out to me and how I would go over to the bank itself, which is in the same parking lot with the Tom Thumb. Do you know where it is?, my mom asked me, and I said I thought I did. She gave me somewhat detailed instructions anyway.
The teller in the drive-thru gave me a happy electronic welcome and I was happy right back at her and stuck my check and ID in the little clear cannister. When I pushed the send button the cannister shot so rapidly up the clear tube that I flinched a little. I assured myself that anybody watching could have taken the flinch for a nervous tick or some sort of neural disorder and that I could still be considered a cool dude on some plane, somewhere, somehow.
The teller said, James?
Yes?
Do you have an account with us?
No.
You'll need to go inside to cash this.
Ok, I said, unclinching my teeth.
Ever since that Mobil station in Rappahannock changed over to a Shell station, who's mid-grade gasoline causes my engine to ping, I've been avoiding Shell gas altogether and pumping anyone elses high octane, no pings, higher zoomability. I zoomed around the corner, parking less than true parallel to the lines.
Can I help you, the teller asked.
I put the check and my ID on the counter.
Can I get two forms of ID, she asked me.
I flicked her one of my Platinum Cards.
Do you have an account with us?
No.
Would you like to open one?
No thank you.
Could I get a thumb print?
I'm sorry, what?
A thumb print, she said, pointing to the little thumb-sized print pad.
You're kidding?, I said.
She said she wasn't and like a criminal drawn to the booking process I printed my left thumb.
I'm sorry, she smiled, I need your right thumb.
Okeedokey, now we're getting somewhere. I pressed my right thumb onto the clear ink pad and then left my invisible mark on the front of the check.
The teller gave me two crummy-looking twenties and a wrinkled ten.
When I got back over here my mom was still thinking about past failures, I said, let it go, she said, but did you give them that note explaining who you were?
- jimlouis 12-27-2003 6:25 pm
I've been in the electronic banking world so long I didn't realize people had gone and given up their civil liberties with respect to paper transactions. Thumbprints for $50? That's a grotesque invasion of privacy. I would have held on to the check and deposited it in the ATM of my own bank just for the pleasure of telling the teller she was working for a police state. But that's me. I love confrontation, and making minor functionaries miserable.
- tom moody 12-27-2003 8:02 pm [add a comment]
machine gun moody: you can have my thumbprint when you pry it from my cold dead hand. come an' get me, teller. (rat...tat....tat... tat... tat...)
- dave 12-27-2003 8:08 pm [add a comment]
First they asked for my social security number and I said, fine, what's a number? Then they asked for copies of my tax returns, and I thought, hey the government already sees that stuff, right? Then they asked if they could hold my apartment lease, just for safekeeping. Then they asked if I wouldn't mind having an electronic tattoo on my forearm and I said, hey, that's cool. I don't want anybody to perceive me as "difficult."
- tom moody 12-27-2003 8:17 pm [add a comment]
minor functionary ? I resemble that remark !
- bill 12-27-2003 8:47 pm [add a comment]
Don't worry, the subcutaneous ID technology currently used for tracking pets will soon simplify all your human transactions.
- mark 12-27-2003 11:26 pm [add a comment]
jimlouis, I think you should go home soon.
- sally mckay 12-28-2003 9:22 am [add a comment]
It's unanimous. Now, which home?
- jimlouis 12-28-2003 6:28 pm [add a comment]