I used to be quite involved in a zine called Chicks United for Nonnoxious Transportation which a bunch of other girl cyclists in Toronto. I did most of the cover art, and wrote something for almost every issue. I was excited to discover that my piece "Cyclists Need Education" is online in the zine archives at messengers.com. It's wrongly attributed to Be Smiley who actually did draw the cartoon illustration that you see below. I am re-posting the piece here because, while it is undoubtedly the cruellest thing I ever wrote, it just might also be the best thing I ever wrote.
Cyclists Need Education
(written for C.U.N.T.zine, summer 1996)
To be perfectly frank, I don't like most cyclists. I'd rather hang out with respectable car drivers. Guys who know what they want and know how to get it - adult men, y'know what I mean? Guys like my Dad. What a great guy ol' Dad was - always taking us kids for rides in his Buick. Dad never liked cyclists either, said they belonged to the 'lunatic fringe'. Well, Dad, not all of us do! Some of us are respectable men like yourself, guys with a firm hand-shake who obey the law and proceed in an orderly, vehicular fashion.
Some cyclists want to change everything. They have silly ideas about making roads safer for cyclists by getting politicians and planners to take space away from cars. This proves that they belong on the lunatic fringe. They have to grow up and face the fact that cars and air pollution are here to stay. We aren't ever going to get respect from car drivers if cyclists keep acting anti-car. What driver would respect someone who said he was creating pollution? These issues are really very complex, a little difficult for emotional people (like women) to understand. The best thing for cyclists to do is get educated about how to behave in a vehicular fashion. That way they will win respect from car drivers.
All cyclists need to get educated about John Forrester. He wrote a book called Effective Cycling. John Forrester is a great, great guy. My Dad would've liked John Forrester. They'd have been friends. If my Dad knew John Forrester he'd have invited him over to dinner and they'd have played squash together. John Forrester knows that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. He knows that certain cyclists, like me, know how to behave and get respect. Other cyclists need to get educated and stop acting stupid and doing wrong things.
When I'm riding I try to set a good example for other cyclists. Sometimes I see foreign cyclists and they don't know the right way to ride. Often women cyclists don't know how to ride because they're too scared. This kind of cyclist just needs to get educated by someone like me who knows the proper way to do things. Then drivers will stop hating cyclists and treat us all with respect.
If I ruled the world I'd make all cyclists ride like me - that way no one would ever get hurt. I'm never going to get hurt. I ride in a predictable manner that commands respect. As cars whizz by me I know that each and every driver is tipping his cap my way, "Now there's a fine cyclist," they think to themselves, "why, that fellow must have spent as much money on his shorts, fanny pack, whistle, helmet, cycling shoes, jersey, air horn, and handlebar pack as I spent on my car! And look at the fine vehicular way he rides. Such a respectable cyclist, not like those other scofflaws I see with long hair, dirty clothes, groceries and big butts.
When a car passes too close to me I know its a sign of respect. The driver can tell that I'm a very experienced cyclist and I can handle it. One time I met a driver who was really great and treated me with lots of respect. He didn't see me, poor guy, and hit me from behind when I was making a left turn in a vehicular fashion. He was really embarrassed when he saw how expensive my bike was. He told me that I looked like a really serious cyclist, not like those other scofflaws he's seen riding through stop signs and wearing dirty, old clothes. He was a great guy. He had a firm handshake like my Dad's. It was a pleasure to meet him, eventhough I did sustain a head injury.
I have one more thing to say, stay off the sidewalks! I spent a lot of money on my bike and my gear so people would take me seriously and treat me with respect. All you cyclists acting stupid are making me look bad.
when does the cruelty start?
Over the past couple of years I've been getting back into bicycling after too many years absence. There are really so many different types of riding, and I've done many of them, including just basic transportation.
One of my favorite interactions with the "purists" was in the hills above Berkeley and Oakland. I'd ride my mountain bike up the paved roads to the ridge, go play in the dirt in one of the many parks, and then ride back down. Sometimes I'd go downhill following a couple of the road bike dudes with their faux sponsorship riding togs. The extra weight and fat knobby tires were not a disadvantage, so I could easily keep up with them. And the "whooooorrrrrrrrrr" of my knobbies at 40 mph let them know I was right there. More than once I caught a disdainful glance backward.
One the road, I do ride in a "vehicular fashion", where it makes sense. But one must remain flexible whilst surrounded with oblivious people in steel-wrapped, mobile living rooms. My favorite concession to vehicular fashion is probably beyond the means of most bicyclists. It's a metal vapor HID headlight. NiteRider calls it a BlowTorch. Just last night someone in an oncoming car flashed his brights at me. Ha, I laugh at your puny little incandescent filaments of tungsten.
For the record, I condone almost anything bicyclist do to survive the hostile environment of paved roads, but one. People riding on the wrong side of the road to "feel safer" are putting me at risk of a head-on bicycle collision, and should just fricking walk.
I just went on a couple of freakin' awesome fun bike rides (see recent post) in Montreal. The Tour La Nuit was maybe the best (though hammering all-out today along a smoothly paved suburban highway on the north shore of the St. Lawrence river with (min) 20,000 other cyclists was a buzz I'm still not down from. Anyhow the night ride wound around through city streets and then went right up Montreal 's mountain. It's a park, and the road, while beautifully graded, is just an unpaved trail that goes up and up and up. and dark. I didn't bother bringing my front light, so in places it was fabulously dark, just me and my friends pedalling (I like climbing hills - it puts my big butt to good use) through the forest with tons and tons and tons (8,000) of other cyclists of all shapes and ages. There were lamps run by generators at intervals along the way, and so we would surge in and out of pools of light, casting weird shadows and all the while climbing steadily upward. It was a struggle for some, but we were all capable. It's a ride that would never happen in law-and-order, liability-bound Toronto. The descent was paved and smooth as butter, and it took a surprise turn into an old, gorgeous cemetery. We flew by tombstones and shadows with that great quiet sound of bike wheels whirring and the occasional whoop and roar of people having fun. FUN. so fun.
Sounds like some great riding.
D and I did some bike accessory shopping yesterday, and travelled via bike between 3 different shops. Seemed like a suitable way to get around. I rode my new commuter machine and really like it. Some may think fenders, chain guard, and a kickstand are dorky, but I'm re-defining coolness.
which bike did you get? I'm a big fan of the chain guard - means you can wear long pants without geeky ankle straps or rolling up of pantlegs (I sometimes resort to stuffing pantlegs into socks which causes outrage in my more fahsion-conscious friends).
I went with the Specialized Globe. It's very Dutch in its design (except lighter!), so it should make a great commuter bike. I looked real hard at the hub shifter bikes, but even the eight speed hubs don't have enough range if I want to tackle the local hills. The Globe has a triple chain ring and eight cogs.
During one of our stops this weekend, D got the front derailleur adjusted (it was dropping off to the inside at inopportune moments). The shop owner did the adjustment, and cleaned the whole drive train while he was at it. He said he does it before every ride on his bike. Made me feel guilty for letting the chain and gears on my mountain bike get caked with layers grunge. I guess I should get a repair stand so I can keep a clean machine.
|
I used to be quite involved in a zine called Chicks United for Nonnoxious Transportation which a bunch of other girl cyclists in Toronto. I did most of the cover art, and wrote something for almost every issue. I was excited to discover that my piece "Cyclists Need Education" is online in the zine archives at messengers.com. It's wrongly attributed to Be Smiley who actually did draw the cartoon illustration that you see below. I am re-posting the piece here because, while it is undoubtedly the cruellest thing I ever wrote, it just might also be the best thing I ever wrote.
Cyclists Need Education
(written for C.U.N.T.zine, summer 1996)
To be perfectly frank, I don't like most cyclists. I'd rather hang out with respectable car drivers. Guys who know what they want and know how to get it - adult men, y'know what I mean? Guys like my Dad. What a great guy ol' Dad was - always taking us kids for rides in his Buick. Dad never liked cyclists either, said they belonged to the 'lunatic fringe'. Well, Dad, not all of us do! Some of us are respectable men like yourself, guys with a firm hand-shake who obey the law and proceed in an orderly, vehicular fashion.
Some cyclists want to change everything. They have silly ideas about making roads safer for cyclists by getting politicians and planners to take space away from cars. This proves that they belong on the lunatic fringe. They have to grow up and face the fact that cars and air pollution are here to stay. We aren't ever going to get respect from car drivers if cyclists keep acting anti-car. What driver would respect someone who said he was creating pollution? These issues are really very complex, a little difficult for emotional people (like women) to understand. The best thing for cyclists to do is get educated about how to behave in a vehicular fashion. That way they will win respect from car drivers.
All cyclists need to get educated about John Forrester. He wrote a book called Effective Cycling. John Forrester is a great, great guy. My Dad would've liked John Forrester. They'd have been friends. If my Dad knew John Forrester he'd have invited him over to dinner and they'd have played squash together. John Forrester knows that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. He knows that certain cyclists, like me, know how to behave and get respect. Other cyclists need to get educated and stop acting stupid and doing wrong things.
When I'm riding I try to set a good example for other cyclists. Sometimes I see foreign cyclists and they don't know the right way to ride. Often women cyclists don't know how to ride because they're too scared. This kind of cyclist just needs to get educated by someone like me who knows the proper way to do things. Then drivers will stop hating cyclists and treat us all with respect.
If I ruled the world I'd make all cyclists ride like me - that way no one would ever get hurt. I'm never going to get hurt. I ride in a predictable manner that commands respect. As cars whizz by me I know that each and every driver is tipping his cap my way, "Now there's a fine cyclist," they think to themselves, "why, that fellow must have spent as much money on his shorts, fanny pack, whistle, helmet, cycling shoes, jersey, air horn, and handlebar pack as I spent on my car! And look at the fine vehicular way he rides. Such a respectable cyclist, not like those other scofflaws I see with long hair, dirty clothes, groceries and big butts.
When a car passes too close to me I know its a sign of respect. The driver can tell that I'm a very experienced cyclist and I can handle it. One time I met a driver who was really great and treated me with lots of respect. He didn't see me, poor guy, and hit me from behind when I was making a left turn in a vehicular fashion. He was really embarrassed when he saw how expensive my bike was. He told me that I looked like a really serious cyclist, not like those other scofflaws he's seen riding through stop signs and wearing dirty, old clothes. He was a great guy. He had a firm handshake like my Dad's. It was a pleasure to meet him, eventhough I did sustain a head injury.
I have one more thing to say, stay off the sidewalks! I spent a lot of money on my bike and my gear so people would take me seriously and treat me with respect. All you cyclists acting stupid are making me look bad.
- sally mckay 6-03-2004 7:19 am
when does the cruelty start?
- dave 6-04-2004 4:13 pm
Over the past couple of years I've been getting back into bicycling after too many years absence. There are really so many different types of riding, and I've done many of them, including just basic transportation.
One of my favorite interactions with the "purists" was in the hills above Berkeley and Oakland. I'd ride my mountain bike up the paved roads to the ridge, go play in the dirt in one of the many parks, and then ride back down. Sometimes I'd go downhill following a couple of the road bike dudes with their faux sponsorship riding togs. The extra weight and fat knobby tires were not a disadvantage, so I could easily keep up with them. And the "whooooorrrrrrrrrr" of my knobbies at 40 mph let them know I was right there. More than once I caught a disdainful glance backward.
One the road, I do ride in a "vehicular fashion", where it makes sense. But one must remain flexible whilst surrounded with oblivious people in steel-wrapped, mobile living rooms. My favorite concession to vehicular fashion is probably beyond the means of most bicyclists. It's a metal vapor HID headlight. NiteRider calls it a BlowTorch. Just last night someone in an oncoming car flashed his brights at me. Ha, I laugh at your puny little incandescent filaments of tungsten.
For the record, I condone almost anything bicyclist do to survive the hostile environment of paved roads, but one. People riding on the wrong side of the road to "feel safer" are putting me at risk of a head-on bicycle collision, and should just fricking walk.
- mark 6-05-2004 11:22 pm
I just went on a couple of freakin' awesome fun bike rides (see recent post) in Montreal. The Tour La Nuit was maybe the best (though hammering all-out today along a smoothly paved suburban highway on the north shore of the St. Lawrence river with (min) 20,000 other cyclists was a buzz I'm still not down from. Anyhow the night ride wound around through city streets and then went right up Montreal 's mountain. It's a park, and the road, while beautifully graded, is just an unpaved trail that goes up and up and up. and dark. I didn't bother bringing my front light, so in places it was fabulously dark, just me and my friends pedalling (I like climbing hills - it puts my big butt to good use) through the forest with tons and tons and tons (8,000) of other cyclists of all shapes and ages. There were lamps run by generators at intervals along the way, and so we would surge in and out of pools of light, casting weird shadows and all the while climbing steadily upward. It was a struggle for some, but we were all capable. It's a ride that would never happen in law-and-order, liability-bound Toronto. The descent was paved and smooth as butter, and it took a surprise turn into an old, gorgeous cemetery. We flew by tombstones and shadows with that great quiet sound of bike wheels whirring and the occasional whoop and roar of people having fun. FUN. so fun.
- sally mckay 6-07-2004 8:30 am
Sounds like some great riding.
D and I did some bike accessory shopping yesterday, and travelled via bike between 3 different shops. Seemed like a suitable way to get around. I rode my new commuter machine and really like it. Some may think fenders, chain guard, and a kickstand are dorky, but I'm re-defining coolness.
- mark 6-07-2004 9:03 am
which bike did you get? I'm a big fan of the chain guard - means you can wear long pants without geeky ankle straps or rolling up of pantlegs (I sometimes resort to stuffing pantlegs into socks which causes outrage in my more fahsion-conscious friends).
- sally mckay 6-07-2004 4:37 pm
I went with the Specialized Globe. It's very Dutch in its design (except lighter!), so it should make a great commuter bike. I looked real hard at the hub shifter bikes, but even the eight speed hubs don't have enough range if I want to tackle the local hills. The Globe has a triple chain ring and eight cogs.
During one of our stops this weekend, D got the front derailleur adjusted (it was dropping off to the inside at inopportune moments). The shop owner did the adjustment, and cleaned the whole drive train while he was at it. He said he does it before every ride on his bike. Made me feel guilty for letting the chain and gears on my mountain bike get caked with layers grunge. I guess I should get a repair stand so I can keep a clean machine.
- mark 6-08-2004 12:12 am