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Bill's Brother
Bill’s brother is a big time New York City advertising executive so imagine my surprise when he calls up the other day and tries to sell me a replacement flue for my fireplace. He had me going for awhile. I blushed in embarrassment behind the safety of 250 miles of separation when I realized who it was. I called him a bastard and vowed to get even. So...this is it...Bill’s brother is a lousy fireplace flue salesman. Other than that though, he’s a pretty ok guy. Okay dammit, actually, he was a pretty good fireplace flue salesman, the bastard.
Fatal Futures
Mr. BC asked me the other day how it was for me in Rappahannock. He may have been referring to the fact that I seem pretty well adjusted to my environment given that the environment here could be said to be diametrically opposed to the one I left in New Orleans.
“It’s good. It’s easy to forget,” I said.
F’s new friend, B, who with F broke into the Dumaine house several weeks ago and stole a registered handgun from E, was jailed last week for two counts of aggravated rape.
S, who me and a friend tried to help for awhile and then succeeded only in helping to put him in jail, may be out of jail now, a legal adult, which is the thing he always wanted to be. With no guidance and no proper education beyond that rich but possibly fatal future doled out on the New Orleans streets.
I was sitting on the back porch gazing out beyond the swimming pool and the acres of soft, green, manicured grass, at the solid, peaceful, non-threatening Blue Ridge Mountains. It’s easy to forget.
Mr. BC’s wife, over broiled Tilapia in lemon sauce, with asparagus and salad, asked me have any of the boys I know in New Orleans committed murder. The answer is yes. As to her question how do I feel about that and her sister’s question why have I stayed there so long, all the words that try to answer those questions ultimately succumb to the indecision of I don’t know.
X kill A at St. Philip and Dorgenios.
E2, in jail on drug charges, is charged with one count of murder, and two counts of attempted murder.
J is recovering nicely from the seven gunshot wounds he received last year. The three wounds to his face have altered his appearance somewhat.
There were three young New Orleans girls I was privileged to know for a few years, who I watched grow up in American squalor, who had so much human spirit about them, who made me laugh, and now thinking about, not knowing about, make me cry.
J2, now 17, and early on perceived as the brightest of a bunch, can’t pass the mandated state tests and has stalled out in 9th grade. He will enter a job training/GED program this coming school year.
L, who was doing Algebra in 8th grade, a thing which set him far apart from his peers, dropped out in 10th grade, became a corporal in a 6th Ward army, and most recently upset an aunt enough to have her put out a peace bond on him. Which means she wants him to stay the fuck away, and is asking the police to help her realize that.
And G didn’t ask for any of this. He wanted something happier, safer, cleaner, less threatening day after day after day.
The thing is, about forgetting, you have to start over every day.
A Day Not Clicking
I got off to a slow start today. Everybody at the diner was having a slow start too.
I was trying to look forward to the Home Depot shopping chore but it’s a thirty mile drive and the farther you get from this little (five square mile) world out here the more you realize you didn’t really want to leave it at all, why not just try to get what you need at the Rappahannock Farmers Co-Op. But they didn’t have the six foot aluminum step ladder last time I was there and Home Depot has that one stop shopping thing going on which is what you need if there are more than two things on your list. I had three.
So this morning I got 25 miles into the trip and came to a rise in the road which allowed me to see about 200 cars in front of me, waiting I guess to turn onto 66. There’s a fifteen mile stretch of the trip where I’m unlikely to see 10 cars total on the road and now I was looking at what seemed like madness. I gave it 15 seconds of thought and made the easy U-turn.
If I headed back to Warrenton I might find that Walmart which has eluded me so. I can’t begin to describe what a disappointment that was. Except for the enjoyment of the female form in aisles 16, 18, 13, 11, and 8b. Some of the women were with their kids and husbands and I thought good job everyone. I felt a little panicky at one point, a thing which afflicts me briefly but with force and has been triggered more often at Walmarts than any other place. Still, I remain a faithful Walmart shopper. I got the feeling people would soon start pointing and hissing at me, their eyes glowing red, their overbites transformed into bloody fangs, if I didn’t act immediately so that’s what I did–bought a coffee maker and some baby powder. Also I didn’t know there were still extreme punk rock looking, black leather clad, half shaved head, half long dyed black hair wearing dudes but in the Warrenton Walmart I saw three.
I kept driving, on to Culpeper, where I came upon another Walmart and just pulled in like that’s all I know how to do, shop at Walmart. This one pretended to be a SuperStore but I’ve seen the latest editions in the New Orleans area and this was a step down. After fighting off the onset of a parking lot panic attack I set out through the sultry heat into discount shopper’s paradise. I found a six foot step ladder and an 18 foot extension ladder, which I’ll have to have if I am instructed to paint the stair wells or clean the gutters. The woman at the check out said, referring to the 18 foot fiberglass extension ladder, I know the price of that one because people keep saying can you put that in a bag for me. I don’t think I actually laughed but let her know that I thought she was the perkiest, funniest, most helpful Walmart checkout person in the history of retail shopping. I was supposed to get some of that black flexible gutter pipe extension but that was all about the Manassas Home Depot and I was miles from that now. I also found a replica pair of the cheap sunglasses I had stepped on ten minutes after imagining that I would step on them, that first day I arrived on the Rappahannock property. Maybe this whole day was about those sunglasses.
I headed back down that road from Culpeper to Sperryville, 522 I think, and it’s a doozy, nice and peaceful, easy to drive if you remember to dodge the oncoming gooseneck trailers pulled by big dualie farm trucks which tend to weave into your lane at 55 miles per hour. Some nice green mountain scenery though, which means you’re back in that bubble you realized too late you didn’t mean to leave.
Cat On My Back
It was a period of time consisting of mere minutes. One minute I was performing one of my duties which, don’t begrudge me my good fortune, consists of swimming around the pool testing various properties ( alkalinity and ph bromide reactivities to human skin, floatability, shallow end rope divider tensile strength, temperature, pine needle irritability, and other multi-syllabic obfuscations meant to put in shadow the fact that I am floating around the pool at midday) and the next minute I am kneeling on the rough ass pool deck, attending to the sometimes malfunctioning pool sweeper device with a 20 pound former Brooklynite feline, claws fully working, attached to my shirtless back. I screamed. And then Herman just sittin’ there lookin’ at me like, what. I have read Pet Semetary, probably saw the movie, and recently listened to it as a book on tape, so don’t tell me I don’t know about cats that have returned from the dead to bring moderate levels of discomfort to those around them.
My employer, Mr. BC, says he saw a large bone in the grass just alongside the driveway while he was jogging the other morning. He said it appeared to have been chewed on one end. Which is a thing all goblins learn on their first day of school. Retrieve bones from cemetery, bite off end, suck out marrow.
I forgot to mention there is a small family cemetery on the property. And one of the graves has a bit of a, uh, subsidence problem.
I could make a short, ridiculous, Halloween movie out here if I had a camera and a handful of kids who would do and say more or less exactly what I told them and would work for popsicles.
Mr. BC held my hand yesterday and we got that letter of verification for the right to dump trash in Rappahannock County. At the treasurers office I also got a green cap, and a Rappahannock decal for my windshield. I was so happy about that decal.
I paused leaving out of the dump, right by the office, like I has a rat snake in my boot or something, just in case the dump attendant wanted to admire my new decal. He didn’t.
His Mail
M is looking after the Rocheblave house for me and every so often calls or emails to tell me about important mail. So far:
The IRS wanted me to know they are not kidding around and are pissed off that I have not contacted them about the remaining 13 hundred dollars I owed them. They said they are going to start seizing bank accounts, putting liens on properties, f-ing me in the bunghole because I'm bad, bad, bad to the bone. Bitches. In the 11th hour I hooked up with one of their payment services and for 33 dollars was allowed to settle my bill over the phone by credit card.
The Louisiana Department of Public Safety is mad at me because I was a couple of weeks tardy in turning in my license plates for the the two vehicles I uninsured when I bought the Mazda. M seemed to think they were asking me for 250 dollars. Oh, so I'm the bitch now. Everbody think I the bitch.
The City of New Orleans is pleased to inform me that they have accepted my petition for homestead exemption of property taxes on my primary residence but that they wanted me to be a street address number that ends in 13 instead of the 15 that all my other accounts know me as. I'm not sure how I'm going to resolve that but the letter writing and phone calling that would probably take care of it don't seem to be happening.
At the diner yesterday my waitress, using no words whatsoever, seemed to think I was turning a little sissy on her because I ordered waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, and a fruit cup for breakfast, instead of my usual manly breakfast which includes a small rib-eye.
And that letter of verification. I still haven't gotten over to the courthouse to get that letter which will allow me to haul trash to the dump. And I need to mail some money to my bank in New Orleans. I need to throw out that rotten peach. I should swim today. I'm going to breakfast now, then I'll paint some woodwork at the big house.
Fruit And Vegetables
After breakfast at the hippie deli in Sperryville where I spent five dollars for a homemade egg mcmuffin type sandwich and coffee (the sandwich really is very delicious) I went across the parking lot to the organic fruit and vegetable stand and the woman there made fun of me because I thought the apples I picked up were asian pears. I really see less and less well without my glasses. I did not disclose this imperfection of mine to the woman.
I said she should pickle some peppers because who wants to buy peppers pickled in Ft. Worth at a Sperryville, VA. roadside stand? She said she pickled all sorts of stuff and went on to tell me about dilly beans. I said, hey do you pickle string beans? and she said that's what dilly beans are.
I think the reason she didn't laugh at me again is because she was seriously considering that I might have some sort of mental disability. And who's to say she is wrong.
So I said, what, you gonna bring me some dilly beans? and she admitted with some reluctance that she had some old ones. I said, old is good, bring those, I'll see you next Sunday.
The Letter Of Verification
Today is my sister Sarah’s birthday, although that fact has for many years been obscured by something about Elvis.
The other day I asked my favorite waitress down at the diner where it is locals haul their trash, since there is no trash pickup here. She said oh down by the highschool there on 211. Easy enough. I will look for the sign.
I’ve been storing household garbage from the two houses on this property in this here guest house garage. In heavy construction grade trash bags.
I got scared late one night from the imaginary snort of a black bear. I had been on my way up to the big house for a snack, as I can’t seem to keep any food in this house. From the pitch blackness of that small area of woods surrounding two sides of this house came a snort which may have been from a black angus heifer across the road. But why be reasonable?
I ran back into the house like the girl that I am and decided I could wait until the morning for food. Two eggs, a small ribeye, home fries, toast, coffee and juice is my default 5.99 breakfast.
The next morning I decided that if heifers were going to start imitating bears I really should take action and haul that garbage to the uh refuse station over by the highschool.
I Took a right out of the driveway, past the Chevron station and up to 211. Took the right towards Sperryville. Passed the sign signifying Rappahannock refuse and made the first U-turn, then the first right past the sign. Down a road to the elementary school. Came out, rechecked the sign and drove down two different private drives before I realized the sign was not to being taken literally.
I eventually overcame my spacial confusion, pulled in and started flinging bags. After the second one rang out the fact that I was not recycling my beer and wine bottles I placed the bags in the bin more carefully. Who knew I drank that much wine and beer?
I was anticipating what happened next so as I was driving away and a guy came out of the booth and asked me was I a Rappahannock resident I said to him well that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, acting as if I had been on my way to see him instead of the more likely scenario of me as refuse dumping criminal.
He gave me a card with the name of a person down at the courthouse and on the back of the card were the three words denoting the thing I would need in order to dump my trash in the future: letter of verification.
Now that’s all I can’t think about, that damn letter of verification. I’m wondering if there is a strip search involved? Speaking of strip searches I know I should be thinking about sex instead of letters of verification but who can think about sex at a time like this?
So, what I’m telling you? There’s all manner of work to be done here.
Where The Ghetto?
Ima get a complex if this keeps up. Another friendly (nosey) neighbor come up to the house last night with a “welcome to the neighborhood” gift, a damn plant, and look at me with that same incredulity I got from that other neighbor last weekend. I told both these people the same thing, more or less, I’m the new caretaker, or, Ima looking after the place is what I told them and the one guy actually said–Are you REALLY the new caretaker?, and the other guy, well, he just looked scared at first, probably on account of I just come out of the pool looking, I don’t know, maybe too much a long hair or something, but goddamn it, this is the way it is out here now, you know, for however long, and (I’m not saying I opened the gift card and am taking this quote directly but so what if this is “the premier property in all of Rappahannock”) so don’t sweat it there’s a new fool on the hill, freak in the big house, johnny come lately. I might let you come swimming sometime. I mean I said come anytime didn’t I? Even though you and I know I was just being polite and that you can’t take anything that caretaker says to the bank. That guy’s probably searching the Internet as we speak, looking for a good hippie manual.
But I’ll chill for a minute because people sure seem to have a sense for that out here. And I don’t want to get people talking about that hippie on the hill having self-esteem issues. Even though, let’s face it, a person with a full head of self-esteem is just someone who doesn’t ask very good questions.
I’m adaptable though. Ghetto dweller, King of the Hill, same thing, different view.
In Rappahannock
Several of us in town like that first table for two. This morning one of the waitresses was sitting there so I headed for the other “two,” over in the corner under the vent. It was cold. I turned around to orient myself to the crowd, it was just one other couple. The man nodded to me and I nodded back. It was Boss Hogg’s deputy, Cletus (actually it was roscoe p coltrane.) Later, the General Lee was seen circling the block. When I left it was out front, parked next to my truck. That’s a bitchin’ automobile, there is no denying it.